Another year over....

So tomorrow is New Years Eve, and I thought it was about time I did a new bucket list. A lot has changed in my life recently, and there's some pretty big stuff that I've ticked off my list :) Things like buying a house, moving to Tamworth, working for Docs NSW, going to Sydney, etc etc. So, time for a completely new list, some new dreams both big and small. Its the best thing about achieving what you want in life - you then get to dream bigger things! :)

Here we go:

1. Sing in Country Music Festival
2. Build outdoor area on the back of the house
3. Start a family
4. Sound system for the loungeroom
5. Start a record collection
6. Buy Brad a playstation 4
7. Go back to NZ and travel the south island
8. Go to Europe
9. Rent a house on the beach for at least 2 weeks :)
10. Get surgery
11. Buy a vesper
12. Record an album
13. Finish my masters
14. Become a social worker/counsellor
15. work in ministry
16. Learn how to sew
17. Do an art workshop
18. exhibit in an art show
19. See snow
20. Build a potting shed art studio on the backyard :)

So, there you have it. I'm sure I'll add to this, but I thought this might be a good start :) Happy New Year everyone, I'm praying for a blessed and fulfilled 2014 :)

Til next time....

End of Year Reflections...

Well, silly season is nearly upon us, and believe it or not, I think I am finally starting to get some of that "Christmas Spirit" back! For years I've been pretty adverse to anything particularly christmassy, preferring instead to lay low and live in denial about the whole thing but this year it seems my soul has been somewhat dragged back into the true spirit of the season :) I still dont like the commercialism, or Santa (or as I say Satan re-spelt!) or the focus on stupid myths rather than the birth of Jesus, but I am however a little excited about having some time off, wearing silly hats and basically just spending some down time :)

So, with this sudden surge of Christmas spirit, its gotten me thinking about relationships - namely friendships. I've blogged before about how I've struggled to make friends, especially after my anxiety really kicked in. I've been through a lot in the last few years, and its really made me shyer than ever when it comes to relationships. This year however there's been a shift back in right direction. I've found myself more confident when it comes to my ability to make friends, and a little more secure in myself to know that I can cope with rejection if it comes my way.

I've also learnt that I'm worth more that what I get sometimes - I'm a good friend to those I love. I am valuable, I'm fiercely loyal and I'm worth knowing. I'm someone who deserves equal friendships where I get as much as I give and where I'm not constantly having to chase people to have contact with them. The other thing I've learnt is that I invest too much of my happiness and worth in other people. Whether I'm valuable or worthy or successful should not, and does not, depend on how many friends I have, or how long I've had them. My worth comes from God, and my relationship with God, not my relationship with people.

Sometimes I hold on too tightly to things, and they're generally things I should be letting go of because they're not good for me. Things like fear, sadness, bitterness and anger, as well as people who treat me ill. It's become increasingly important to me that I surround myself with people who will lift me up and support me in my life, and I've come to realise that relationships I've had and very tightly held on to in the past have not been healthy for me. That helps, because it helps me let go of those and not miss them in the way that I used to.

I've decided that my worth is not wrapped up in what my friends think of me, or even in how much effort they put into the friendship. I want to continue learning boundaries that will allow me to not feel the need to chase relationships but instead let them come to me. I'm learning how to nurture the real life relationships I have, and allow any relationships that arent real to fall by the wayside without malice.

It really is true that if you love someone you'll let them go - if they come back to you, they're yours. If they dont, they were never yours to begin with!

On a more positive note, I want to take a minute and acknowledge the real life relationships I have. All those people who email, message, text, call and who make time to hang with me. Those people are so special to me, they're so important. Some of them are new relationships, and some are old - they're all like sparkling diamonds in the fabric of my world, and I'm so blessed to know the people that I know. I'm really grateful for what I have, and even though there will be no family around my table this Christmas (other than hubbie and the furkids of course!) I will have friends, and that means so much to me. Its these friends that keep me from feeling any loss :)

And on that note, I want to wish anyone reading this a very happy, healthy and whole Christmas season. No doubt I'll post again soon with my New Year bucket list and reflections on the year that has been!

Until next time!

The relief of the flatline...

There has been a vast improvement in my outlook upon things these past couple of weeks and I cannot really point at the source with any degree of certainty. On the one hand Phantom is over and I finally am getting back to things that I enjoy such as reading, socialising and just generally spending time at home :) On the other hand, I am also being more compliant with my new meds and they appear to be having a profound affect upon my ability to stay calm, not panic, and deal with stress WITHOUT tears - a MASSIVE improvement for me! The last couple of weeks have been really full on, but I haven't really felt like I was slipping into panic like I used to.

So there's a lot going on - and being the 1st of December Christmas is fast approaching. We're not going anywhere or doing anything really, it will be a quiet time for Christmas, but we're planning on going camping in the Warrambungles for New Years with Bennie :) Should be heaps fun :) This week I have to travel to Maitland for a specialist appointment for my ankle in preparation for surgery....really hit me for six when they told me that it wasn't even a question that I'd need surgery - even though they told me that it was a possibility I kept laughing it off and saying there was surely something else they could do. Alas, this was not meant to be so it looks like I'll be having surgery sometime in the New Year, hopefully no sooner than that.

So in other news I am applying for a scholarship through the choral society for 2014 - if I am accepted I'll get half my tuition at the Conservatorium of Music paid for and in return I sing with the Choral society for 12 months :) since I'm not doing any shows next year that's an easy thing to commit to :) That's IF I get it :)

The other development at present is that I've had a massive breakthrough in the church department and I cannot explain that either. It was like, finishing Phantom and having a lunch date with Vicky one of the pastoral care people from church flicked a switch off in my brain. I sat with Vicky and laid it all out on the table - the good, the bad and the ugly - and for the first time I felt really validated. Voicing my fears regarding organised church was like the final step towards proper healing - time plus that meant that the next Sunday when I went to church all the nerves, fear, mistrust and pain was just gone. The following Wednesday I went to a creative workshop, and I'll be on the worship team from now on :) It feels fantastic getting back to what I feel God created me for. There's something incredibly powerful in doing precisely what God intends for you to do - when I'm worshipping God and singing for Him, the rest of the world completely dissapears and it's just Him and me - me open to whatever He wants from me, and Him, unearthing all the bad parts of myself and nurturing all the good. It's like gardening for my soul :)

The last couple of Sundays we've sung this AMAZING song - I just love it!

I dont know if this new found feeling of contentment and peace will last, but every single day I'm going to remind myself how blessed I am, and be grateful for everything in my life :)

Til next time....

Slippery Slopes

It's been 7 weeks since I switched health funds and began the waiting period before my surgery. Knowing that I'm in early days towards the date that I will be elligible for surgery I am keen to start adopting new behaviours and lifestyle choices that will be more in line with my life after the procedure is done.

I went and bought some Optifast to try and accustom myself to the taste - I found having it first thing in the morning made me feel sick in the stomach :( I'm going to try having it for lunch one day this week and see what happens. I talked to my psychologist about it and she said you're allowed to have the bars and the soups too, plus a cup of vegetables a day also, so its not quite as dire as I first thought. Still, its going to be a huge challenge to go two or more weeks on Optifast and nothing else.

I feel like I'm on a slippery slope trying to climb my way back up....I get really inspired and tell myself that I'm going to do all the right things and take hold of this thing before I go in to the operating room.....and in the moment I truly mean it. But then, I get tired so I dont go for a walk, or I get bored so I eat, or I slip back into old ways without really even thinking about it anymore.

If you have ever been seriously addicted to drugs or alcohol, you'll totally get what I mean. My willpower is not enough for me to make the changes I need to make. I honestly don't know what the answer is. But I do know that the more I beat myself up about it, the more I do it, so it's probably better that I dont! I have to learn to accept me exactly as I am - if I am not enough while overweight, I'll never be enough when I lose it.

Hello sleep...let me introduce myself!

So, its now been 6 days since the end of Phantom of the Opera. I have finally caught up on sleep, and although my house still isn't as ordered as I'd like it to be I'm starting to get back into the rhythm of normal everyday life. It's been a surprisingly easy transition, not nearly as hard as when I finished Grease and perhaps that's because this hasn't been as good an experience from an emotional point of view.

I have a lot going on despite not being in Phantom anymore - a GAZILLION appointments, physio, orthopaedic surgeons, psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, podiatrists, dentists..and that's just this month alone!! All in what could turn out to be a misguided bid to keep me healthy and sane! My ankle has begun to recover, which is great news, and I'm certainly in a much better frame of mind than I was for the last few weeks.

It occurs to me as I rush out the door this morning for the last day of the week, that I over think things far more than I need to. I long for a simple life, where social encounters are taken at face value and an offer of friendship is recieved with no perception of a hidden agenda. I have realised that I can be quite suspicious, always trying to figure out whether someone's intentions are really what they say they are. I guess that goes hand in hand with being unable to trust people, but it is EXHAUSTING having to analyse every little interaction. I'm not suggesting blind naivete of course - that would be just unwise...but what if I could be more authentic, more genuine, and trust that people will do the same with me without judgement? Then if people do judge me, then I'll either not know about it, or not care?

What if I just let it go and just threw caution to the wind. What if I just accept people where they are, and didn't always have a running commentary on what every little thing means all the time? What if I decided that I am enough for people to like, and if they don't its their loss not mine? What if I am enough?

Food for thought.....

Til next time!

The Music of the Afterlife....

As the dust clears, the fog machine packed away and the pyros set aside, I've had a chance to breathe again...well one day anyways!

It's hard to believe that Phantom is over - and yet I can hardly remember what life was like before it began! Considering rehearsals began at the beginning of June, it really has been a long run. Almost half a year in fact.

As I have previously blogged, Phantom has been both the hardest and most fulfilling show I've done to date. Fulfilling because it's been a lifelong dream to be in Phantom of the Opera, and hard because of the politics that went on behind the scenes. Having stepped back a little, I can now see that there are certain people who, for whatever reason, are just not that accepting of new folk. There's one girl in particular who, having just seen her facebook page I believe has made a snap judgement based upon the way I look which is rather sad, and others who for whatever reason either feel threatened by newcomers or who just have too much free time on their hands and prefer to spend it gossipping about others. The size of the egos in that cast in particular was always going to be a little full on - after all, it's Phantom. If there was ever a show to bring out the big guns, this was it!

Having said all that, one thing that was promised did indeed come to pass....I made some really good quality friends and that has been a joy.

I think the danger with finishing any show is becoming nostalgic and rosy-eyed about the experience, so in order to avoid that I thought I'd share a few things I WONT miss about Phantom. Here's my top 10:

1. fatigue...and having to rock up to work feeling hungover!
2. ingesting more than a few strands of synthetic hair from my hannibal wig every-single-night blech!
3. and while we're on the subject...the wigs - UGH thank god no more wigs!
4. stage make up and the disgusting things it has done to my face
5. those stairs - granted I didn't have the full "stair" experience thanks to my ankle, but trudging up and down those stairs was arduous at best!
6. costume changes
7. listening to a certain dressing room mate (who shall remain nameless) go on, and on, and on, and on about how insignificant, crappy and frankly time wasting being in the chorus is....*rolls eyes*
8. loads and loads of ankle pain
9. waking up in the morning to "Prima Donna" rolling round, and round and round and round in my head....
10. Sweat. Lots and lots and lots of sweat. Enough said.

So it's back to reality for me. I have tomorrow off in flex and I'm seriously considering spending some sanity money getting a massage and making a podiatrist appointment to get my feet done. Would be great to get a facial done too, my poor skin! It's only a matter of a month and a bit until Christmas, so I guess that's the next thing, but for now I'm just going to revel in the normality of daily life for a bit.

Thespian Theories...

I've been REALLY quiet on here over the last few weeks...silent in fact. Apologies! As those who know anything about me will know, Friday night is the opening of the Tamworth Musical Society's production of Phantom of the Opera.



When I began this journey about 5 months ago I was massively excited to be a part of an AMAZING opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream. It's been one of the hardest, most painful, yet most satisfying things I've done with my music to date. I won't lie, the people in TMS are amazing, and talented, and sometimes REALLY difficult to deal with. I've been disheartened, and hurt, and offended, yet at this moment I'm on the cusp of it all being worth it.

Reflecting back on this experience got me thinking....why is it that we, as musical theatre actors, singers, stage management, producers, directors, musical directors, conductors, musicians, etc etc do this CRAZY thing that we do? What is it that drives us to pour ourselves out on to a stage that in the cold light of day is nothing but fake sets, smoke and lights??

The obvious answer is because we all have massive egos - and I'll be the first to admit that on one level that's true!!! We like the applause, we get a rush out of having people say how great we are. I think anyone whose honest will admit that they like being praised - we all do. I would also definitely say that as a kid and as a teen this was my drug of choice - the rush that came with being recognised for something that is unique, something that other people cannot do, something people WISH they could do - it was the only thing I had. I was an average student, I hated sport with a passion and I was about as uncoordinated as you can possibly get! I hung on to two weeks of the year when the Eisteddfod afforded me a decent degree of notoriety at school - I would bring in the certificates I'd gotten and feel special. I certainly didn't feel special at home that's for sure.

But I'm not at school anymore. There's no one I need to prove myself to. I'm in a job where I'm being recognised for the work that I do, for my organisation skills and for my efficiency. I am generally accepted in my workplace, and in my social circles, and if I never did another show no one would think any less of me. So the ego thing isn't entirely my motivation anymore.

So what is?

And for that matter, what is ANYONE'S motivation? The reality is that there are a LOT of people who don't get to take a bow at the end of the show - stage crew, lighting crew, pyro technicians, runners, costume people, the orchestra - all these people who remain just names in a programme. Even for me, in six months time its highly unlikely that anyone in this town will even remember I was ever in the show in the first place. I've hung in there despite the difficulties, despite even my own husband telling me to quit, despite even a torn ligament in my ankle that makes the 70 odd stairs between the dressing room and the stage incredibly frustrating and painful. I'm literally putting my physical self, my sweat, my energy, my time, my rec leave - everything - on the line.

I think the truth goes deeper than public approval. I look around at this mad, looney, exhausted, spent group of people who turn up every night during this gruelling week of tech rehearsals, their fatigued faces and bodies reflecting my own, and the truth dawned on me that perhaps the reason we do it is because we respect it. We all hold the belief that we can suspend the cruel, cold reality of this world for a couple of hours and create something out of nothing. We believe that what we do matters. We believe in beauty, in truth, in honesty, and we believe in the material so much that we'll pour ourselves out to make that material come alive for someone else.

And most of all, we want to make someone else believe in it too.

I'll never forget September 11, 2001. On that day I was at college, studying music at USQ and had rehearsals for an opera we were doing. We all turned up for rehearals our minds thousands of miles away in New York, when our director, the incomparable Harry Coghill, stood up and made an amazing speech about how what we were doing in the four walls of the theatre would resonate and radiate out into a world that desperately needs escape, and beauty, and purity. That speech has never left me and it reminds me in that moment when I'm standing backstage, listening to the overture, my heart soaring at the familiar music, that what I do on that stage over the next few weeks matters for no other reason than because it's who I am.

Until next time!

Time for an Identity Crisis....

Well hello....if you're reading this you're either one of my friends who has stumbled upon my new corner of the universe, or alternatively its at least 12 months on from when I started this and I've begun telling people about it.

So, here's the deal. 355 days from now I will be eligible to do the biggest thing I've ever done in my life - I'll qualify to have gastric sleeve surgery (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleeve_gastrectomy) This is not a decision I've made lightly - in fact I agonized over the idea for quite a while before I even mentioned it to my husband. His reaction? He would have piled me in the car and shipped me off to Sydney then and there. The only problem is that my health insurance wasn't sufficient, thus the 12 month waiting period before I can have it done.

I only found out after I made the decision that my psychologist who I've been seeing for about 6 months actually had the surgery done years ago by the same clinic I'm going to. That I guess was a kind of confirmation to me that I'm in the right place and that this is the right thing. In addition my best and dearest friend and her mother are both considering having the surgery also, so there's certainly plenty of people in my life receptive to the idea. The only problem is, I really haven't told many people about it. There's like, two people at work who know, my GP, my husband and his dad, and two of my best friends. That's about it really. And that's probably the way it will stay for quite some time. I don't really want anyone to know because it's such a massive thing to have to go through, and its kinda private - intensely personal and very daunting. I just dont want the scrutiny that always comes with this kind of thing....people at work knowing why I'm taking time off work to go get it done, and then watching every little thing I eat afterwards like a hawk. Looking at my waistline to see how much weight I've lost, swapping war stories with those who've had it done, or knows someone whose had it done, or has a friend of a friend of a friend whose had it done.....I just dont want to go through all the comments, suggestions, etc. If I get a compliment, awesome - i'm all for that - but I'm just not too keen on being under the microscope after I get it done.

So, for now this blog remains between me and whoever stumbles upon it. I do have a burning desire to document the 12 month lead up to the surgery, because it is such a big thing - and it might help someone else considering the same. I also want to start being more aware of what I eat, and how it makes me feel because I know this will be really important post surgery. I also want to start looking at my relationship with food, how it has developed to where we are now, and how it's going to change when food is no longer a major element of my life.

So, to begin, I've been thinking lately about my identity. I've always been a very chubby kid. My grandparents used to pinch my cheeks and my chubby little arms and legs and it was cute for a while - then I grew to primary school and my chubbiness was no longer cute. I've been on a diet since before I can remember because my father was also a fat kid and had a lot of issues with food and fat. So, I have vivid memories as a child being restricted in my food - we'd be at a tennis tournament and my parents would be watching every morsel I put in my mouth at the pot luck lunch. I'd get in trouble if I drank too much milk (I LOOOVEEED milk) and I learnt very early on that it was pretty easy to steal cheese slices from my grandmother's fridge when no one was looking as these would not be easily missed. By the time I was a teenager my dysfunctional love affair with food - ANY food - was well and truly cemented.

It wasn't junk food either - it was milk, bread, leftovers, cheese, anything I could get my hands on that wasn't fruit or veg. I don't really know where the food ends and I begin. The only time I was a healthy weight in my whole life was when I was 14-15 years old - I lost my baby fat and was on weight watchers with my step mother (not officially since I was too young but I was following it along with her). I remember squeeeeeeezing myself into size 13 jeans and being REALLY excited. That was the last time I was a healthy weight - and I was MISERABLE. The mental and emotional abuse I suffered as a child was at its peak around that time. When I turned 16 I went to boarding school and scoffed food like there was no tomorrow. Bread made any boarding school meal edible, and croissants on a Sunday morning were a genuinely thrilling experience.  By the time I came home from boarding school the weight was well and truly creeping back on, and boy did I hear about it from my parents. My grade 12 year was by far the worst year of my life, and not because of my weight but because of the way things were at home. I was back on weight watchers, and I looked AMAZING in my size 14 dress for formal - but from then on things were never the same. University, really crappy college food, lots of study and very little activity meant that by the time I dropped out of my first uni stint with depression I was a shadow of my former self. You can say I've been recovering ever since.

The reason I tell you all this is to point out that my whole life has revolved around my weight and food - I dont really have an identity without dieting, calories, fat, scales and binge eating. It's really hard for me to imagine not being a big eater, and only eating a cup of food at a time. And it has to be energy rich food, so gone will be my days of pigging out at Christmas time, or having a big dinner with friends, or indulging for family events. My life will no longer be coloured by smells, sounds, textures and tastes of a good roast dinner, or my favourite chicken casserole, or a big ol steak.

So who am I without food? What will I do when eating a very small meal takes an hour to eat because I have to chew really slowly? I guess I need to find out now, because soon that will be my reality, and at that point, there will be no going back.

So stay tuned - hopefully in the next 355 days I'll figure it out - and before the end I'll be prepared for the new life that lies before me!

Failing at Life (otherwise known as 'I Wish I was a Smoker')

Yesterday I found myself doing something unexpected......

I watched a couple of my colleagues, packs of cigarettes discretely in hand, leaving the building to go have a cigarette as they do several times per day out the back of our office. They go out, they smoke, they chat about the weather etc. Often they go together, and seek eachother out so they dont have to stand out there alone. Rain, hail or shine there they are, at least three to four times in a working day, puffing away....

And for the first time ever, I wished I was a smoker.

Well, apart from the smoke, and the smell, and the taste, and the health problems, and the affect on my voice, and the bad breath, and the dependancy....

Ok, I admit it, I dont REALLY want to be a smoker. What I did pine for however was an excuse to walk away and do something that would PHYSICALLY calm me down. It was a horrific day, and coupled with a little PMS laced with not getting lunch til 10 past 4 in the afternoon I really didn't cope. I went home last night and collapsed in a ball of tears, anxiety and panic. All over nothing. That's what happens when you work in my line of business and are dealing with an anxiety disorder. There's no rhyme or reason sometimes. Sometimes, you just have to shut down. At least that's what I did last night. I felt helpless, completely at the mercy of my own emotions which in that moment are completely out of control. I take very deep breaths, I plaster a smile on my face and push through, knowing at the end of it I'll be drained, washed out and completely stretched thin. I hate it.

So today I made a decision. I realised that as much as I want to, I cannot complete uni at this time. I want to finish it, I really do, but I just can't continue to run this really ragged race. I feel like I'm failing at life. Everything is done half assed because I dont have the time or the energy to give it what it needs. I have so much on my plate, it's time to take the pressure down a bit. My work is too intense, too emotional, too traumatic for me to continue to push myself in my life outside of work to do everything I want to do. I hate not honouring my commitment to myself to finish this, but it's time for me to take a step back and get my life sorted out.

So tomorrow I have a letter to write, and a text book to sell. I still want to get my masters, and I reckon in the future I'll do it. But right now, I want time. Time to enjoy my home, my family, my life. Time to really devote myself to my job, and time to immerse myself in things that make me feel good rather than things that add pressure to me. Is that selfish? Is that wrong? The biggest regret I have is the hecs fees I've accumulated this semester without finishing. I hate to do that, but I just dont see myself passing. Not the way I am right now. I'd rather withdraw than have a failing grade on my transcript.

So, taking a deep breath and taking a step back. I hope it pays off.

Til next time.....

If Not for Knots....

So, today was a bad day. I guess I was due for one. I didn't realise just one bad day would turn into a whole week though! Between placement breakdowns, court cases that didn't end up happening, disasters and double booked meetings I am completely knackered. And to top it all off, I'm watching Seinfeld alone while hubbie takes a nap.

I am drained, exhausted, stretched thin with a disgusting knot in the pit of my stomach.

On nights like this it feels absolutely hopeless. I feel like I'm not doing anything of any value or purpose. I'm just screwing up other people's lives. I never finish what I need to finish in a day, and I'm just sprinting from one disaster to another but not actually fixing anything.

Everything is bad news, and I'm being piled up with cases that are absolutely hideous with no way of finding any solutions that will make people's lives any better.

Tomorrow I'll wake up, get out of bed and do the whole disheartening process all over again.

And instead of whinging further.... I'm just going to take my depressed self and go have a glass of wine. *sigh*

Until next time....

And the Sun rises....

So this morning I went up to my mountain (I've claimed it as my own with no authority other than I like it and it's mine!) known to the rest of the world as "Oxley Lookout". I go up there every Monday morning that I can gather my thoughts, pray, read the bible and reflect on whatever God has to say to me that day. It's a way of beginning my week with a "bigger picture" perspective - bigger than my own little life and my own little problems. I wanted to first share some pics of my city......

It's a beautiful place. From way up there, it's like everything is put in its place.

The most beautiful thing about my town is that there's a big timber cross at the lookout on the side of the mountain....

I had a good look at it this morning and I realised that if you follow a straight line from the way the cross is facing, it goes directly to the City Council building that is in the main street. 

I dont believe that's by accident. I got goosebumps, because it was such a powerful symbol of how Jesus is King over my town. He's King over the leaders of my city, and over the leaders of my country. He's right there, over everything. Tamworth belongs to Jesus! 

So, on to my bible study. Today I looked at Proverbs 8:32-36 which says the following: 

"Hear instruction and be wise,

And do not disdain it. 
Blessed is the man who listens to me,
Watching daily at my gates,
Waiting at the posts of my doors.
 For whoever finds me finds life,
And obtains favor from the Lord; But he who sins against me wrongs his own soul;
All those who hate me love death.” (NKJV)

I got a few things out of this verse. 

1. First of all, instructions make us wise. As much as it sometimes hurts the ego to be corrected and instructed how to better go through life, we have to acknowledge that it is possible, in fact it's probable, that someone might know better than we do. We cannot be the expert on every topic. In fact the majority of topics!! I cannot say I know much about anything, and I'm certainly not an expert on pretty much anything in this world. This doesn't just apply to listening to other people either, it also applies to listening to what God has to say. The person centred, egocentric "me" approach of this world would have us believe that we're the experts on our own lives. But really, the only expert on me and my life is God. The bible says that God knows every hair on my head - and that means that He is the only one worthy to be called an expert on my life. 

2. We should listen to God. Listening involves not talking. It's so easy sometimes to fall into the trap of using Jesus like a "genie" in a bottle - just putting in our requests and expecting God to give us everything we want. How much of our prayer time is spent talking? How much of it is spent being still, quiet, intent, and LISTENING. I know when I read this I immediately fell quiet and waited for God to speak. And sometimes you have to wait for a while before God answers. The point is you have to be aware and quiet in order to listen. 

3. We have to watch out for what God wants to do. And God doesn't always do things in the way we expect him to. In order for us to discern when God is moving we have to be watching out for Him from all angles. This part of the verse also talks about GATES not just one gate. God has many ways of answering prayer and moving for His glory, and you can bet its often not in the way you expect it! 

4. We have to wait for God to move. This is almost always one of the hardest parts - it's so difficult to not move on something prematurely just because its what WE want or its because its what we think we need. God's timing is NOT our timing, and it's really important that as Christians we ask Jesus to make us sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  If God isn't telling us to move, we shouldn't be moving! 

5. God works in black and white - you're either in or you're out. In a world full of greys (some would say fifty or more shades of grey!) God doesn't operate that way. The bible is very clear - if love God, you hate death. If you hate God, you love death. God hates luke-warm - you gotta be all in, or you'll be all out! 

So out of these revelations I listed the following actions: 

- When someone gives me instruction, I won't be offended. I will take the instruction and learn what I can out of it. 

- I will incorporate into my prayer time a substantial amount of time for just being still and listening to God. Deliberately giving time to God to hear what He has to say. 

- I will pray to God for sensitivity to be able to see when and where He is moving - in doing so I will claim for myself peace in every situation because I'll know that whatever happens God is in control. 

- I won't move until God tells me to move. It's all about less of me and more of Him

- I prayed today that God would increase my excitement for him - the excitement I had when I gave my life to Him. Walking with Jesus is an adventure, and you're either all in or all out. There's no room for mediocrity when it comes to witnessing for Jesus and the excitement of my life. 

If you've made it this far you're a verry dedicated reader - I hope these thoughts have blessed you! Have a great week! :) 

Til next time! 

Living at the Hermitage!

So, this weekend, as every weekend, I have struggled with my free time. I hate weekends. I love weekends. Weekends truly drive me bonkers. Friday nights and Saturdays are absolute bliss. I enjoy them and whenever I start feeling a bit stressed I think to myself "its ok, I've still got time..."

Then Sunday rolls around and the morning generally goes ok. I go downtown, I get my grocery shopping done and when I pluck up the courage I go to church. I don't always go, the last two Sundays I've been too chicken but when I can I do because I know its the right thing. I always feel good about going, and I never feel good about not going, but i cannot really explain why I dont go every week other than to say I'm weak and a chicken, and sometimes the stress that I go through physically getting out of the car and walking into church, navigating the gauntlet of awkward hellos and handshakes and fake smiles is just not something I want to go through.

So I go to church, or not, and then by lunch time I have the thought "Oh look its midday already, half my day is over..." and then it begins. I start watching the clock tick down, and I start figuring out how I want to spend the rest of my day, knowing that tomorrow the roller-coaster begins all over again. I begin making lists of housework for the week, meals for the week, I write up schedules for study and generally for my time, and I repeat to myself over and over again to "live in the moment" and "not stress" about tomorrow while that little voice in the back of my head screams at me TIME'S UP! YOU BLEW IT! YOU WASTED YOUR TIME!!!

Then it's a struggle to not panic that my weekend is over and a new working week has begun. It has gotten to the point that when I get teary and panicky my husband gets exasperated, reminding me that he has to deal with this same issue every single Sunday night and telling me that it's ok to have relaxed on my weekend.

Its really hard for anyone who hasn't been there to understand the chaos that goes on behind my eyes. I hide it well, and in social situations no one would ever know the panic I feel when I'm somewhere I dont know anyone. I look for all intents and purposes confident, outgoing and friendly.

It's amazing what one can hide when you have a lifetime of practice at it!

Til next time....

Going against the grain...

I have to take a moment and write a blog post that is probably going to make me very unpopular. Not that I care. Being unpopular is what happens when you go against the grain. People dont like that, they feel threatened when you state an opinion that goes directly against the latest band wagon cause. It doesn't bother me to be unpopular. It does however both me when Satan wins in making what is wrong seem right.

The bible says that the devil comes as an "angel of light" - Satan's work often doesnt LOOK like Satan's work - it looks like something good and right. So when someone speaks up against such a thing, even Christians arch up and get upset because they think you're fighting something that you shouldn't be. The truth is, wrong is wrong. I don't care how you dress it up, I don't care what rhetoric you put around it. It's wrong, plain and simple.

So, having said all that, lets talk about gay marriage.....

There was a lot of talk on the news last night about New Zealand's first day of their new legislation allowing gay marriage. Everyone talked about how great it was and how it should be the same in Australia.

It's not just the marriage bit I object to, although I do object to that. Marriage is an institution of God, and using it in a way that is against God is not right. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Period. You want to call it a civil union - that's fine. That's being recognised under man's law, and I guess I expect that man's law would go with whatever feels good and not necessarily what is right. But don't call it marriage. It's not.

So, putting aside the marriage thing, lets talk about homosexuality in general.

I have nothing against gay people - I know people who are gay and they're often fantastic beautiful people who are genuine and kind. Gay people are absolutely NO different from people who are in sin in ANY way, and that includes me - God knows how I've sinned, how I've fallen from grace, how I've gone against God's intention for my life. We are ALL in need of God's forgiveness and love, so I do not mean to single any particular group out, that is not my intention. The only reason I raise homosexuality in particular is because there is SUCH a push at the moment that being gay is ok - even in Christian circles. I've heard all the arguments, I've seen all the media on it, I've listened to people talk about "love" and "tolerance" and "acceptance"...which I'm sure is exactly what Satan would have you talking about because it takes the focus away from God's law which says:

A quote from Romans 1 18:32 - That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.

Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. They know God's justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too. (NLT)

Sound familiar? Yeah I thought so too. And for anyone arguing that the Old Testament law no longer stands that's from the New Testament - after Jesus. Here's another: 

1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (NLT)

And another: 

1 Timothy 1:8-10
Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully, understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine ... (ESV)

ANYONE who does these things goes against God. There's no explaining it away, there's no "but" - it's really clear. And as I said earlier, I fall into the same category, as does everyone. "Whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine" - that's like, every sin. 

But let me be very clear - I don't care how many rainbows you put on the issue. I don't care how popular it is to talk about "love" and how Jesus was all about "love" - Yes, He was about love, love for GOD FIRST. Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of God - directly going against God day in and day out is NOT LOVE of God. The bible is clear about love being OBEDIENCE to God's laws, and about having a healthy FEAR of God that causes us to walk God's way. 

It's a lesson I need to learn in my own life - it's SO EASY to fall into the trap of wanting to just let it go. I have many times just wanted to let it go. Just accept that there are people born gay and to just let it go. I love them, I believe God has a plan for their lives, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT accept what they do. 

It's wrong. Period. You can crucify me for it, but I will stand with Jesus. 

Until next time....

And Jesus Wept......

I am always moved when I read in the bible Jesus having human emotions...and nothing is more human than sorrow. When Adam and Eve invited sin into the world, they invited sorrow. It's part of human nature to feel sorrow, to be sad, to cry, to hurt and to feel pain. While being without sin, Jesus did feel sorrow and pain, all the way to the cross. Jesus mourned the loss of his friend Lazarus along with Mary and Martha, weeping with them. Jesus also wept over Jerusalem, mourning the loss and ignorance of a people who did not know him.

I often wonder what was going through Jesus' mind as he cried for us. I wonder if He cries for us now.

Then on days like today, I get just a glimpse. On days like today when I see the horrific reality of Satan's work; days when I look into the eyes of innocence corrupted; days when I feel like I'm trying to hold back the tide with a teaspoon; days when I am rendered helpless in the face of complete darkness.

I look into the face of children and the pain in their eyes accuses me....I feel like there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say - I am condemned by their tears.

And then I weep.

It is I......the social pariah!!

It is the moment every police officer, lawyer, caseworker and accountant dreads.....the other night I was at my first connect group with members of my new church. All was going well enough despite the fact that the entire conversation revolved around everyone else's kids, a conversation which of course I wouldn't dare enter given my childless state...

They were joking about kids behaviours and being overwhelmed at times, and one of the mother's made the comment that she just wished she could lock them in a room for an hour or two to give her some peace. At that moment one of the other mothers turned to me and said "gee I hope you don't work for DOCS"

*sigh*

I looked at our host (who knows that I do) and through a thin smile I shone eyes of sheer panic at her. She gave me a look back that basically said "it's up to you...tee hee hee" It's the pivotal moment where you can either fob it off, or you can square up your shoulders and be proud of the hated despised work you do.

In that second I made a choice. "Actually I am, but that's ok" Everyone laughed awkwardly and the conversation moved on. Crisis somewhat averted or so I thought.

We watched a DVD on living a blessed life, and then we discussed it before praying and going back to social conversation.

The same mother who had made the comment about working for DOCS then turned to me and said..."So, what do you do?" I realised in that moment, horrified, that she had thought I was joking......

*sigh*

Faced with the same choice, I had to once again pluck up my courage and again blurt out "I work for the department of communities" The woman looked at me incredulously and burst out laughing "Oh God" she said "I thought you were joking!!"

Nope....I'm serious.

There's always a twinge in situations like this where you for a second think....Is my job really a joke?? I mean seriously - am I a joke to these people?? Of course that's not what this poor woman meant at all, and we all laughed about it and we were able to move on. Turns out the lady is a lawyer who works across the road, so we were able to talk about things in common and people in common which was good. I guess its all just part of working in a job that deep down, everyone really hates. We're splashed over the news all the time as being incompetent lazy and heartless. We're slammed if we dont act, slammed if we do, and no matter what decisions are made there's always someone willing to go to the press and talk about the big faceless government who doesnt give a crap. No one thinks about the hearts beating inside every case worker who feels, and eats, and sleeps, and lives, and breathes, and loves, and cares, and busts their ass to try and make a difference to this kid, and that kid, and the next kid. With the exception of a few professions I dont think any other job is more misunderstood.

But, as I said a few posts ago, some people are made to climb mountains and some people are made to stand in the mud. I just hope I remember never to sling it around!

Til next time!

Just a little ache...

I adore Tamworth, my house is gorgeous, my job is not bad, I make good money and I have a good life.

The only catch is......

I really, really miss these ppl. 

That is all. 

Coming up short....

Ok for those who have met me, no short jokes please! :P

Today I failed the grade. I know it, and God knows it. I was in the lunch room making lunch and having a well earned break after a morning of full on mayhem, when our head of admin walked in to make himself a cup of tea. He made a comment something to the effect of "you know, when I started this job I thought so long as I come in to work everyday and make a difference I'll keep coming in to work. After 40 years I've realised that I don't make a difference so it's becoming harder and harder to justify coming to work".

In that moment I had two thoughts. The weaker of the two, and the one I ended up choosing to articulate was something to the effect of "well, I have a mortgage that's why I come to work"

The truth is, and please excuse my french, but that answer was bullsh!t.

What I should have said was this.

There's been a LOT of media coverage in NSW recently about children dying through abuse or neglect, often children who are known to the department of communities. I work in human services, and I have four years of child protection experience in Qld, so I will be the FIRST to say that perhaps I'm a little bit biased in my position. I am also extremely aware of the flaws in both the Qld and NSW systems. I live with those flaws everyday, but I also have to figure out a way to sleep at night. Despite all of those children and all of that media coverage, I dont think about those children.

I think about the kids that got fed last week because I organised food for them. I think about the children who don't have to continue witnessing domestic violence. I think about the teenagers I've worked with who are now facing their future with at least some kind of hope because I helped them out with some furniture, or a laptop, or a drivers licence. I think about what would happen to those children if my job didn't exist.

It's true, I cannot make a difference to all the children who need it. And the reality is my job is fairly expendable, and I can always be replaced by someone else who will one day step in and do the same thing and deal with the same crap and flaws and bureaucratic rubbish that I do every single day. But if I can put my hand to the cases in front of me and do something, however small to improve the lives of children who are in need, then I have a reason to get out of bed every day. God put me in this job, and I know there's a reason for that. I don't know what that reason is, and frankly I've given up needing to know. All I know is that I'm called to honour that, and I'll keep honouring that as long as God wants me to.

That's what I should have said. I know God forgives me, and I'll come out swinging tomorrow.

Til next time :)

Press in or check out....

So, this week has been a real roller - coaster, but like all trials and tribulations, there's a lesson to be found! Let me explain....

So, when I was working in Queensland I steered clear of the investigative stuff. I don't deal very well with conflict, and it's against my nature to deliberately antagonise people for the sake of being blunt. I fluff and I fudge and I try to keep everything softly softly and nice. That was ok while I was in Qld, because I didn't work in that kind of role. 

Enter 2013 - I move from one side of the office to the other and suddenly conflict becomes a very real and normal part of my day. I float for a few weeks but this week...well, I hate to say it but I choke. 

Honestly, truly, hair-ball the size of a grapefruit choked. Unfortunately I have a manager who suffers no fool and takes no prisoner, so needless to say the debrief was like being at the dentist getting a root canal. 

I was pretty demoralised, and really really low. I began to panic that perhaps I was in the wrong place, the wrong job, the wrong time, the wrong everything. I fretted and worried that I wasn't cut out for this job, and that I would bomb out and end up having to quit or be fired. Then we'd lose the house and I'd be out of work etc etc etc. I worried that I'd have to change who I am in order to do this job, or I'd have to give up this beautiful life that I'd worked so hard to get. I'm soft, I know I'm soft, but I don't know whether that's something I would even want to change. 

I agonized over this for days and the advice I was given from several sources all said the same thing: I needed to at least raise the issue and see what my oh so intimidating manager had to say on it. AS someone who doesn't like conflict this was rather a tall order, but I figured at this point I had nothing to lose. So this morning we have a team meeting, and when my manager says "has anyone else got anything they wanted to put out there" I shocked myself and blurted out "I'd like to add something" and then I told everyone how I'd been struggling with this new role and how I hadn't really done much second work, (aka being a secondary worker for someone else having the pointy ended conversations if you know what I mean) and how if anyone was going out on those sorts of jobs I'd be happy to second them. I explained that in Qld I had avoided investigation and assessment because it's not my strong suite and I wanted to try and upskill myself to deal with the challenges of this job. 

The response I was met with both at the meeting and again later that day when I sat down with my manager for a meeting was to say the least shocking. My manager told me in no uncertain terms that my casework was "exemplary" and that she couldn't fault me on that aspect of my job. She said I had summed up my struggles beautifully, and that she had already taken action to ensure I could second more front line work in the future. She told me that in terms of engaging with other services I had done more since I started than any worker she'd ever seen. 

The lesson.....despite the patterns my parents laid out for me of running away when things get hard sometimes it's better to press in than check out. God always knows what He's doing, and if He's put me in this job then I just have to trust that He will help me skill up to be able to do it effectively. I really learnt my lesson today - never second guess what God has given to you. Even if something seems completely overwhelming God is so much bigger than anything I'm going through. 

Perhaps next time I'll think twice before I question whether I'm in the right place and the right time. He knows better than I :) 

Til next time!! 

Selling Out

I've often heard it said in church circles that someone is "sold out" for Jesus. This is considered a compliment, but it was difficult to even find a definition for the term that could come close to what would be meant by this. I wanted to know what it means to be "sold out" for Jesus.

Today in church we learnt about Jesus healing a blind man as detailed in John 9. I've heard this story, a LOT and I've probably read it dozens of times. But for some reason I never really cottoned on to what happened next in the story.

First of all, the disciples were looking for an earthly reason as to why the man was blind - they were looking for someone to blame. Too often when things dont make sense to us, when things are unjust or unfair we try to look for reasons in the person's past for that person to have been punished so. The truth is, bad stuff happens. And it's not fair, it's not right, and it often makes me really really angry. But, the message in the first half of this scripture is that bad stuff can and will be used to glorify God. What the enemy intends for evil, God always intends for good. If the man hadn't been blind, Jesus wouldn't have been able to show God's glory through this miraculous healing and the message of Jesus' tru identity is revealed.

Of course, this doesn't make the pharisees very happy. Anyone stating that they are the Son of God is not only a challenge to their beliefs but in their culture is deserving of punishment. They investigate the claims of the healed man, but couldn't get the answers they wanted. The truth stood, as it always did, and the man's testimony was far more powerful than their interrogations. In John 9:24-25 the Pharisees ask the man to confirm that Jesus is a sinner. The healed man replies "whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!" For this he was thrown out of the church, becoming in Jewish society an outcast.

I've always thought that being sold out for Jesus meant standing on a street corner screaming for people to repent, or going to some far off country to do missionary work or something radical like that. And it certainly can be. But this healed man did nothing other than tell the truth. He was asked, and he told the truth.

God puts us where we are for a reason, and sometimes instead of wishing we could be radical for Jesus all we really need to do is stand up and tell the truth. Our testimony is far more powerful than anything the enemy can throw at us anyways!

For Such a Time as This.....

So, I heard a song called "One more Time" by Michael W Smith on the radio the other day and there was a couple of lines in the song that really spoke to me. I have already shared them on Facebook but I wanted to share them here.....


"This is what you're made for
Standing in the downpour
Knowing that the sun will shine


Forget what lies behind you Heaven walks beside you
You got to give it one more try
One more time"




A thought came to me as I was listening to this song - for years now, actually pretty much ever since I started working in child protection four and a half years ago, I've always said to myself that my work is only a stepping stone onto some kind of job that "really matters" - something in counselling, or in ministry, or both. Something world changing. Something more spiritual.


But listening to this song, I felt God say to me "this is what you're made for... - this is where I put you, you're mine and you're exactly where I want you to be".


There are some people who are made to stand on the mountain tops, there are some people who are made to fly with the eagles. And there are some people who were made to stand in the mud and hold others up. Perhaps God's answer is not to bring me OUT of the mud, but rather give me the strength to stand where others cannot. Perhaps it is my job to endure the hard stuff WITH my faith, rather than using my faith as a "get out of the muck" free card. It's so easy to forget that while you're waiting for God to answer perhaps He already has....God's answer for me may not be a new job or a more spiritual job. God's answer for me just might be to teach me to operate as a Christian woman, showing Jesus' love to the clients I work with in the job I have right now. Maybe one day I'll get a new job, and maybe I wont. But as I drove home listening to the song and absorbing what God dropped into my spirit, I made a commitment that I'd be the best darned caseworker I could be. Right here right now.


And perhaps standing in the downpour, I can teach some of my clients and even some of my colleague how to believe in the sunshine again :)

Ho hum....

Another weekend is over, and another week is upon me. It doesn't seem to matter how anticipated the weekend is, it's always over too soon. 

This weekend it does feel like time has slowed down a little though and perhaps that's because I've been fighting off a virus so I've been less active than I normally would be. Saturday I spent most of the day prepping for a dinner party with friends which was lovely, and then today I have literally done NOTHING. Like, seriously - NOTHING. Oh, wait, I did do the grocery shopping. But that's it. I've been feeling so lethargic and achey and my throat has a horrible tickle it feels like I'm swallowing gravel!

Despite my best efforts it also meant I had to miss church again. Not by design, but because I didn't want to be spreading my germies all over the place. I really wanted to go though. I'm feeling really down and depressed, so I thought I'd blog some of my favourite things to cheer me up - enjoy!

I have a Holly Hobbie puzzle that I've recently framed and put on my wall in my office - it makes me smile because it reminds me of my childhood :) 

This is apparently called "Pool Party" LOL

Love love love, and did I mention LOVE this dress!

 

I'm doing a bit of research into the "Health at Every Size" movement - it's a bit of a mind shift to what the medical profession will have you think, but so far it seems like the research is pretty sound. We all know that there's plenty of skinny people who are very unhealthy - it's all about health, not size! 

Amen Sista - if the rest of the music profession could think like this there'd be a lot more great music out there and a lot less rubbish! 

I'm still trying to do this.....

Whatever is good.....

The last couple of days I've been very agitated. Last night I had a meltdown over our fire alarms.

Yes, it's not a typo, our fire alarms.

You see, we have fire alarms that go off at ANYTHING other than water being cooked on the stove top. Doesn't matter what it is, doesnt matter what stage of cooking it is in, if it's anything other than water being boiled you're in trouble. While I appreciate the safety this affords us, it's incredibly frustrating when you're just trying to cook dinner, and to top it off the sudden nature of the alarms going off seems to be a really bad trigger for me - it freaks me out!!! Then Brad was getting cranky at the dog, and I just couldn't take it - I felt like there was danger all around me and I just dissolved.

Then today my husband and I sat down to watch a movie and we chose a movie called Harry Brown which we thought would be an ok movie to watch. Unfortunately we were wrong. The violence, swearing, drugs and disgusting scenes in the movie slowly began to disgust me and anger me, and then at one point there's a man who suddenly yells really loud and I lost it - I yelled at brad to turn it off and then had a full blown panic attack. It took me ages to calm down. I couldn't handle the violence or the "base-ness" of what I was seeing. I'm so angry at what is acceptable in this world. I'm so frustrated about what people will accept. It makes me long for a world where drug abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, sex and all manner of catering to the most basic primal pleasures is no longer acceptable: where people stand up and DO SOMETHING. 

I feel like a freak. Like an absolute FREAK in this world. And if I dare say anything I get told to stop being a "prude" and to get a "sense of humor". Today I got told that I have no sense of humor because I didn't find a video on youtube equating being "australian" with being a drunken moron funny - it's become so much a part of our lives that to NOT go out and get drunk, have sex outside of marriage, not swear, not smoke, not to do drugs, lie, cheat, steal or be out only for number one is NOT normal - I'm somehow "going against the grain".....WHY SHOULD IT BE???? Who the hell (emphasis intentional) decided that this was ok??? 

Scripture says in Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things". Perhaps God emphasises this because He knew just how hard that would be. 

We're told not to conform with the world and I can see in my own household evidences of this conforming and I am very angry about it. I see it in me, I see it in my husband, I see it in what we watch, what we listen to, how we act and react. It's not acceptable, it shouldnt be acceptable - and it's time that I take a stand for my little corner of the world. I refuse to bend under the pressure I feel at work to become bitter and cynical. I refuse to conform to the idea that indulging in the things of this world is a good idea. I refuse to comply with the belief that we're only here for this life and we shouldn't be thinking about others. I simply won't accept it.

So, how am I going to do this? So glad you asked!!! Here's my list...

• Time to launch a prayer ATTACK on my workplace - that includes praying during the day, speaking in tounges while I work, prayer in every room and watching my language and my witness to my workmates. 
• From now on I am going to be very careful about what I watch and what I listen to - I will do as scripture says!!
• I need to make Christian friendships a priority because they're sadly lacking in my immediate world - I miss having a church family and I need that back
• I need to prioritise church events over other things rather than always putting them off
• I will no longer hide my witness - I'm Christian and I'm not afraid for others to know it and even challenge it
• I'm going to bake something and take it over to the neighbours - its wrong that we've never met
• my online presence in the short term will probably reduce - I need to start concerntrating on my real world rather than the online world. I'm sick of being addicted to facebook and to being online. It's time I take control over my life. 

I honestly believe that only my relationship with God will heal my bruised spirit right now. But in order for me to tap into that I have to stop isolating myself from others, and I have to most of all concentrate on those things that God values - not what the world values. So this is fair warning - if there's stuff I see that isn't good, pure, noble, lovely I WILL DELETE IT. I won't indulge it anymore. I wish I could be done with this world, but so long as I'm in it I WILL make a difference to my little corner of it.