Then Sunday rolls around and the morning generally goes ok. I go downtown, I get my grocery shopping done and when I pluck up the courage I go to church. I don't always go, the last two Sundays I've been too chicken but when I can I do because I know its the right thing. I always feel good about going, and I never feel good about not going, but i cannot really explain why I dont go every week other than to say I'm weak and a chicken, and sometimes the stress that I go through physically getting out of the car and walking into church, navigating the gauntlet of awkward hellos and handshakes and fake smiles is just not something I want to go through.
So I go to church, or not, and then by lunch time I have the thought "Oh look its midday already, half my day is over..." and then it begins. I start watching the clock tick down, and I start figuring out how I want to spend the rest of my day, knowing that tomorrow the roller-coaster begins all over again. I begin making lists of housework for the week, meals for the week, I write up schedules for study and generally for my time, and I repeat to myself over and over again to "live in the moment" and "not stress" about tomorrow while that little voice in the back of my head screams at me TIME'S UP! YOU BLEW IT! YOU WASTED YOUR TIME!!!
Then it's a struggle to not panic that my weekend is over and a new working week has begun. It has gotten to the point that when I get teary and panicky my husband gets exasperated, reminding me that he has to deal with this same issue every single Sunday night and telling me that it's ok to have relaxed on my weekend.
Its really hard for anyone who hasn't been there to understand the chaos that goes on behind my eyes. I hide it well, and in social situations no one would ever know the panic I feel when I'm somewhere I dont know anyone. I look for all intents and purposes confident, outgoing and friendly.
It's amazing what one can hide when you have a lifetime of practice at it!
Til next time....
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