Ok...I confess....
I have become a MASSIVE netflix junkie, especially since my husband purchased some kind of thingamie (legal of course) that allows us to access US Netflix as well!!!! It's absolutely fantastic! Of course the consequence of this has been that I've been a bit of a couch potato of late, but its quite compelling to be able to watch all the shows that we dont get on Aussie TV and I'd otherwise have to try and source via youtube!
Today I was pottering around while watching the "Hoarders" collection on netflix - considering I've just started a secondment with NSW Housing I figured its research!!!
There was a woman on one of the episodes, a lovely lady, who described having issues with being in abusive relationships. She described physical and emotional abuse, and an intense overriding fear of being alone. Her daughter quoted her as saying "a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all"....
When the psychologist arrived to her home, the lady met her at the door way but there was no door. The psychologist asked her where her door was and the lady simply replied "I have no door". When I heard that, I thought it was the most profound and sad declaration - a physical manifestation of the lack of boundaries and self esteem she had described in her personal life.
It got me thinking
about boundaries, and about my own doors. For someone like me, the most
terrifying prospect when it comes to relationships is not having them.
Loneliness is my worst nightmare, because for so long my self esteem was
completely wrapped up in the quality of the friendships around me. If those
friends let me down, I'd crumble completely. The smallest infraction and I'd
feel completely and utterly devastated, like my world was crashing down around
me. I'd hyperventilate, I'd cry, I'd scream, and I'd really feel like my world
had ended. I know that sounds completely irrational, but it's absolutely how I
felt and have continued to feel for a really long time. It's a really unhealthy
and unGodly way to live, because my reliance as a Christian for my identity
should be in GOD and in being a child of God, anything else is false and sure
to crumble. Intellectually I know this, but changing my emotions and my habits
is a little more complicated.
So I guess the question then becomes, what does God say about boundaries? I
found it difficult at first to find verses that really applied, although this
one is interesting:
Philippians 1:9-10 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ
The Bible talks about having discernment and looking at what is true and pure and sticking to those things. I think its difficult to do that when your boundaries are blurred, and you dont really know how to figure out what is good and true and what isn't. That's why there's women like the one on the hoarder TV show who keep choosing bad relationships over and over and over again. They dont have a door because they dont know what an appropriate door looks like. They dont know how to draw the line because they've never seen an example of an appropriate line being drawn. And while I'm not a hoarder, I struggle at times with the same issues. At times I feel like I struggle to make friendships and keep friendships as an adult, because I'm not strong enough to stand on my own and close the door and not let what other people affect how I view myself.
What I am trying to absorb down to my bones is who I really am, because knowing that will slowly start to build my immunity to what other people do and say. Sure, I'm only human, and you can be hurt by people sometimes, but there's a big difference between being hurt occasionally and having your world ROCKED over the smallest things. When it comes to self esteem, the bible has a LOT to say.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's
womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your
works; my soul knows it very well.
Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give
men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be
frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you
wherever you go.”
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is
in you is greater than he who is in the world.
The truth of the matter is, if every single person in my life decided to
close their doors and walk away, I'd be ok. If my entire universe as I know it
crumbled around me, I'd be ok, because God is with me. I'd never ever be alone
because Jesus walks with me always. And the day I get that down into my heart
on a cellular level will be the day I learn to finally build my door, and know
without a shadow of a doubt when to open it and when to close it.
Until that day, be patient with me - sometimes I open the door when I
should keep it closed, and sometimes I close doors that I really should have
opened. I'm still learning how to do life the way God wants me to :)
Until next time!
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