I find often that God has a great way of calling our bluff. The minute we start getting too big for our boots God has a way of allowing us to fall on our butts as a reminder to us of how spiritually immature we really are. Sunday I cracked - everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, and after a string of misfortunes I turned my car to go home and I did something shameful. Really shameful. I didn't pray. I didn't thank God for my blessings. I didn't take a deep breath. I didn't even have time to count to ten.
The only way I can describe what happened next is to say I chucked a massive tantrum. If I hadn't been driving at the time, I am convinced there is an extremely strong possibility that I would have thrown myself onto the ground and gone straight into a three year old fit. I punched my own leg (hard, several times in sheer frustration and rage). I wanted to swear so bad (but didn't - a frontier I didn't want to cross cos then I'd just have to ask God for forgiveness afterwards and feel awful about it) I cried. I screamed. I bawled like a baby. By the time I got home I was hyperventilating and shaking so bad that applying my makeup for the concert I was to perform in within the hour was a GREAT task!
I was able to calm myself down in time to do the concert, only to come home and find that our air conditioner had broken down :( potentially at least 3 grand or more to replace if it couldn't be fixed!!! By that point I was so spent, my work had stuffed up my pay so we had no money, now we had potentially thousands to spend on an air conditioner, and all sorts of other little things were piling up on me. I dont deal very well with these kinds of scenarios, shameful as I am to admit it, so lets say the rest of the weekend (what little was left) was depressing.I am pleased to say that many of these issues, big and small, have already been resolved. I finally got paid (yay!) and the air conditioner got fixed today costing 550 bucks instead of thousands! With this news I feel like I'm coming out of my funk. It's not the anxiety that concerns me so much cos that's something I've been dealing with for years. What really scares me is the sheer unbridled RAGE that boils up in me. And this time it wasn't a flash in the pan thing, it went on for DAYS - I was so incredibly angry with the world that in the moment I didn't care who I hurt, how rational or irrational I was, I was just PISSED (scuse the french, couldn't think of a better adjective for the feeling!) That rage filtered into every interaction I had for at least the last 4 days or so (so so sorry peeps!) and all the while my poor husband had absolutely NO idea what to do with the raging lunatic that was sleeping next to him at night and roughly resembling his once sane wife!!!!
And where did this rage come from? Immaturity for sure. A sense of entitlement - very possibly. A lack of faith - without a doubt. One thing that did come to mind, especially when it came to the pay issue was that a good part of my feelings came from a very strong lack of trust. I was told that the issue would be resolved, but I didn't trust it. I didn't trust it because I feel like I've trusted over and over and over and over and over and over again what people say when they say they're gonna help, and they don't help. They say things will be fixed, but they dont get fixed. They assure me that they're working on it. They tell me they'll call. Friends tell me I'm worth their time, and then I never hear from them again. My father and stepmother told me that they'd return my valuables, and then moved away without telling me. I've been let down so many times that I imagine the worst possible scenario so that I'm not blind sided when the worst happens, becuase in the moment I'm convinced it will.
I've had a bit of time to think through all this, and I've come to the conclusion that while my outside appearance may be on the up and up, my internal self needs a LOT of work. It's not enough to look good on the outside, with makeup and hair done and pretty clothes and a "normal" sized figure. It means nothing if your soul is toxic, and the last few days I reckon my soul has been very toxic. Feel like I'm only just coming out of that darkness now, but it does make me determined to try and overcome whatever demons are plaguing me.
(SIDE NOTE: yes, I do actually believe in demons, and angels because part of my faith is a belief in the spiritual world as outlined in the bible - I dont believe I can be possessed because the Holy Spirit lives in me, but the enemy can sure do a lot to mess with my head, and he does use my past against me to turn my emotions around and around)I've become very aware of how many "selfies" I've been posting of myself. Always at a downward angle, always in some nice outfit, always with makeup on and hair done. I don't want people out there to think that makeup and hair and clothing are necessary for someone to be beautiful, and I definitely don't want people to get that impression when they're following my journey. My weight loss has had very little to do with outward appearances (which is why I still wear sleeveless tops regardless of my upper arms that can wave without the rest of my hand doing so!!!!) the outwards appearances have been a happy bonus. What has really mattered is my physical health - and now that I'm looking at a much brighter physical future it's time to start thinking about my spiritual future. My health will deteriorate if I dont try and get my emotions under control.
In light of all of this - here's my no makeup selfies - straight out of the shower, in my jammies, sporting nothing but a cup of my precious coffee. And a special thank you to all the beautiful people recently who have told me that I am beautiful - and even more thank yous to those who told me that I have some beauty on the inside. One day I really hope that my insides and outsides will match - until then be patient with me while I try and sort out the deep dark world of my emotional life.
Until next time!
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