The Calm after the Storm.....

So, after my post on Friday I was hoping that the worst was behind me. I'm sad to say I was wrong. The weekend only saw things go south in a big bad way, and a LOT of things went wrong. Throughout it all I prayed to God to help me be a rock, strong and stable, in the middle of the storm. I asked God to show me how to be unwavering in my faith.

I find often that God has a great way of calling our bluff. The minute we start getting too big for our boots God has a way of allowing us to fall on our butts as a reminder to us of how spiritually immature we really are. Sunday I cracked - everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, and after a string of misfortunes I turned my car to go home and I did something shameful. Really shameful. I didn't pray. I didn't thank God for my blessings. I didn't take a deep breath. I didn't even have time to count to ten.

The only way I can describe what happened next is to say I chucked a massive tantrum. If I hadn't been driving at the time, I am convinced there is an extremely strong possibility that I would have thrown myself onto the ground and gone straight into a three year old fit. I punched my own leg (hard, several times in sheer frustration and rage). I wanted to swear so bad (but didn't - a frontier I didn't want to cross cos then I'd just have to ask God for forgiveness afterwards and feel awful about it) I cried. I screamed. I bawled like a baby. By the time I got home I was hyperventilating and shaking so bad that applying my makeup for the concert I was to perform in within the hour was a GREAT task!

I was able to calm myself down in time to do the concert, only to come home and find that our air conditioner had broken down :( potentially at least 3 grand or more to replace if it couldn't be fixed!!! By that point I was so spent, my work had stuffed up my pay so we had no money, now we had potentially thousands to spend on an air conditioner, and all sorts of other little things were piling up on me. I dont deal very well with these kinds of scenarios, shameful as I am to admit it, so lets say the rest of the weekend (what little was left) was depressing.

I am pleased to say that many of these issues, big and small, have already been resolved. I finally got paid (yay!) and the air conditioner got fixed today costing 550 bucks instead of thousands! With this news I feel like I'm coming out of my funk. It's not the anxiety that concerns me so much cos that's something I've been dealing with for years. What really scares me is the sheer unbridled RAGE that boils up in me. And this time it wasn't a flash in the pan thing, it went on for DAYS - I was so incredibly angry with the world that in the moment I didn't care who I hurt, how rational or irrational I was, I was just PISSED (scuse the french, couldn't think of a better adjective for the feeling!) That rage filtered into every interaction I had for at least the last 4 days or so (so so sorry peeps!) and all the while my poor husband had absolutely NO idea what to do with the raging lunatic that was sleeping next to him at night and roughly resembling his once sane wife!!!!

 And where did this rage come from? Immaturity for sure. A sense of entitlement - very possibly. A lack of faith - without a doubt. One thing that did come to mind, especially when it came to the pay issue was that a good part of my feelings came from a very strong lack of trust. I was told that the issue would be resolved, but I didn't trust it. I didn't trust it because I feel like I've trusted over and over and over and over and over and over again what people say when they say they're gonna help, and they don't help. They say things will be fixed, but they dont get fixed. They assure me that they're working on it. They tell me they'll call. Friends tell me I'm worth their time, and then I never hear from them again. My father and stepmother told me that they'd return my valuables, and then moved away without telling me. I've been let down so many times that I imagine the worst possible scenario so that I'm not blind sided when the worst happens, becuase in the moment I'm convinced it will.

I've had a bit of time to think through all this, and I've come to the conclusion that while my outside appearance may be on the up and up, my internal self needs a LOT of work. It's not enough to look good on the outside, with makeup and hair done and pretty clothes and a "normal" sized figure. It means nothing if your soul is toxic, and the last few days I reckon my soul has been very toxic. Feel like I'm only just coming out of that darkness now, but it does make me determined to try and overcome whatever demons are plaguing me.

(SIDE NOTE: yes, I do actually believe in demons, and angels because part of my faith is a belief in the spiritual world as outlined in the bible - I dont believe I can be possessed because the Holy Spirit lives in me, but the enemy can sure do a lot to mess with my head, and he does use my past against me to turn my emotions around and around)

I've become very aware of how many "selfies" I've been posting of myself. Always at a downward angle, always in some nice outfit, always with makeup on and hair done. I don't want people out there to think that makeup and hair and clothing are necessary for someone to be beautiful, and I definitely don't want people to get that impression when they're following my journey. My weight loss has had very little to do with outward appearances (which is why I still wear sleeveless tops regardless of my upper arms that can wave without the rest of my hand doing so!!!!) the outwards appearances have been a happy bonus. What has really mattered is my physical health - and now that I'm looking at a much brighter physical future it's time to start thinking about my spiritual future. My health will deteriorate if I dont try and get my emotions under control.

In light of all of this - here's my no makeup selfies - straight out of the shower, in my jammies, sporting nothing but a cup of my precious coffee. And a special thank you to all the beautiful people recently who have told me that I am beautiful - and even more thank yous to those who told me that I have some beauty on the inside. One day I really hope that my insides and outsides will match - until then be patient with me while I try and sort out the deep dark world of my emotional life.

Until next time!

The Pros and Cons

So this week hasn't been the best week for me - seems like lots of things have gone wrong!!! Im doing my best to stay positive, especially since it's the weekend!

 
And so ends week two of my secondment to Housing NSW and I have to admit, a little bit of the shine has worn off. Don't get me wrong, it's great to be learning something new every single day, it's just a bit frustrating feeling so useless every day because you're kind of half there and half not. I have also found myself really missing being in a familiar environment with familiar people and familiar processes and I'm not sure why I feel that way - I definitely couldn't have predicted that! I keep oscillating between missing my old role, and then remembering WHY I took the secondment and WHY I needed the change and all the bad stuff that was happening to me. I have absolutely no doubt that had I not made a change I'd be in a pretty bad way by now - I was absolutely EXHAUSTED - I had nothing left to give, and I've found that making a change has re-energised me.

So, the question remains - where to from here. I am half way through the four weeks that has been approved, with no guarantee of a continuation at this point, so potentially I could be back in the csc in a fortnight from now. I've been told that there is a senior client services officer position coming up, and also potential for perhaps project roles etc. Career wise, a move to housing would be a good one for me - I think there's a LOT of potential there for progression in the housing organisation, probably more than in Community Services at this point. There's definitely pros and cons to both, and I am hedging at the moment, not really able to make the call. I think if a senior client services position came up I'd have to take it. There is definitely big differences between Community Services and housing in terms of the focus - Housing is very much a business, and at the end of the day there's a definite bottom line to be reached and financial targets, goals etc. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've never been great with 'business" in the money sense - my business has always been people, not money. There's definitely a lot of work to do in terms of office structure, and a HUGE divide between the three main areas in the office. I'm not sure how anyone can cross those chasms, but I'd love to have a crack at trying to change the culture and make it a really harmonious, open place to work in.

Community Services has its flaws too the primary one being the way the work can at times trigger me. Working with families where child abuse is present is hard for me, and some days its all I can do to keep from screaming. I know it's taken a toll on my mental health, and probably my physical health, and in the long term I have to take that seriously. Is it sustainable for me to believe that I can keep it up long term, and not eventually come to the end of a very long rope? Probably not. I have to start planning for my future in the long term, and I'm looking into the possibility of studying and going into a more therapeutic job rather than being in a statutory body. It's something I reckon I can work towards and definitely fits in with plans for kids etc. I cannot imagine being in any other industry but a people helping one, its just a matter of what environment I want to end up in.

In the meantime, the secondment continues and next week is set to be my most challenging yet because it looks like I'll be "babysitting" someone else's portfolio for the week - and over in one of the most challenging parts of town. It's going to be interesting to say the least!!! I'm a little nervous, I don't want to stuff anything up, but I also want to rise to the challenge and exceed expectations - because I ALWAYS want to exceed expectations. It's part of who I am, and it's how I learnt to get recognition and affection - by giving above and beyond and working double as hard to try and blow people away. It's great for my career prospects moving forward, though I do tend to put a lot of pressure on my self as a result.

Next week, I plan on really getting stuck into the work, hopefully doing some more practical things and being out in the field even more. It's gonna be bloody hot!!! LOL But it will be good honest work :) I just want to soak up the whole experience while I am there, for however long I am there, and when the time comes to make decisions I trust that God will lead me where he wants me. Someone once told me that if both options look equal, leave it up to God and see what happens! If there's no clearly defined path, either through the bible or through circumstances, then at some point you have to trust that the Holy Spirit will guide you, and that when the moment comes you will be lead one way or another. That is my prayer for this whole thing - that eventually I'll be lead one way or another and as a result find the right place for me.

Until next time!

Where's Your Door?

Ok...I confess....

I have become a MASSIVE netflix junkie, especially since my husband purchased some kind of thingamie (legal of course) that allows us to access US Netflix as well!!!! It's absolutely fantastic! Of course the consequence of this has been that I've been a bit of a couch potato of late, but its quite compelling to be able to watch all the shows that we dont get on Aussie TV and I'd otherwise have to try and source via youtube! 

Today I was pottering around while watching the "Hoarders" collection on netflix - considering I've just started a secondment with NSW Housing I figured its research!!! 

There was a woman on one of the episodes, a lovely lady, who described having issues with being in abusive relationships. She described physical and emotional abuse, and an intense overriding fear of being alone. Her daughter quoted her as saying "a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all"....

When the psychologist arrived to her home, the lady met her at the door way but there was no door. The psychologist asked her where her door was and the lady simply replied "I have no door". When I heard that, I thought it was the most profound and sad declaration - a physical manifestation of the lack of boundaries and self esteem she had described in her personal life.

It got me thinking about boundaries, and about my own doors. For someone like me, the most terrifying prospect when it comes to relationships is not having them. Loneliness is my worst nightmare, because for so long my self esteem was completely wrapped up in the quality of the friendships around me. If those friends let me down, I'd crumble completely. The smallest infraction and I'd feel completely and utterly devastated, like my world was crashing down around me. I'd hyperventilate, I'd cry, I'd scream, and I'd really feel like my world had ended. I know that sounds completely irrational, but it's absolutely how I felt and have continued to feel for a really long time. It's a really unhealthy and unGodly way to live, because my reliance as a Christian for my identity should be in GOD and in being a child of God, anything else is false and sure to crumble. Intellectually I know this, but changing my emotions and my habits is a little more complicated. 

So I guess the question then becomes, what does God say about boundaries? I found it difficult at first to find verses that really applied, although this one is interesting: 

Philippians 1:9-10 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ

The Bible talks about having discernment and looking at what is true and pure and sticking to those things. I think its difficult to do that when your boundaries are blurred, and you dont really know how to figure out what is good and true and what isn't. That's why there's women like the one on the hoarder TV show who keep choosing bad relationships over and over and over again. They dont have a door because they dont know what an appropriate door looks like. They dont know how to draw the line because they've never seen an example of an appropriate line being drawn. And while I'm not a hoarder, I struggle at times with the same issues. At times I feel like I struggle to make friendships and keep friendships as an adult, because I'm not strong enough to stand on my own and close the door and not let what other people affect how I view myself. 

What I am trying to absorb down to my bones is who I really am, because knowing that will slowly start to build my immunity to what other people do and say. Sure, I'm only human, and you can be hurt by people sometimes, but there's a big difference between being hurt occasionally and having your world ROCKED over the smallest things. When it comes to self esteem, the bible has a LOT to say. 

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Isaiah 43:4 

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

Joshua 1:9 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Ephesians 2:10 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

1 John 4:4 

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

The truth of the matter is, if every single person in my life decided to close their doors and walk away, I'd be ok. If my entire universe as I know it crumbled around me, I'd be ok, because God is with me. I'd never ever be alone because Jesus walks with me always. And the day I get that down into my heart on a cellular level will be the day I learn to finally build my door, and know without a shadow of a doubt when to open it and when to close it. 

Until that day, be patient with me - sometimes I open the door when I should keep it closed, and sometimes I close doors that I really should have opened. I'm still learning how to do life the way God wants me to :) 

Until next time! 

A Message to Tom Shadyac, creator of the most Christian non christian documentary I've seen!

Dear Tom,

My name is Pamela, I'm 32 years old from NSW Australia. I recently picked up a DVD copy of your documentary "I Am" from my local library. At the time I was feeling disillusioned, restless, and frankly like a bit of a lump on a log. I work for Community Services, which basically means day in day out I read, discuss and make decisions on really really bad news - abuse, poverty, neglect, addiction, really tough stuff. I'm proud of my work, but society doesn't always feel the same way. I've been in the industry for some time, and I felt I needed to change it up so I was 2 days away from shifting to housing for a secondment so I could have a bit of a "mind break" when I sat down and watched your documentary.

The other area I've struggled with is my faith. Not that my relationship with God isn't solid, it totally is - it's my faith in humanity that's been shaken. I've been really profoundly hurt by people in the church, and for a long time I've wanted to reengage in a church community but haven't been able to. I've been searching for something I honestly haven't been able to find in other Christians.

I wanted to say thank you for your film. You have in the space of 78 minutes reminded me of the need for connection, of the complete and total dependence I have upon others. You have so clearly demonstrated how we are CREATED for connection and for cooperation. And most importantly you have reminded me that what I do in my day to day job MATTERS because I affect other people. Every action that I do affects others, because we are all created to be connected. You have reminded me in the simplest way that in the moments when I feel most useless I am able to be used for God to make the change I want to see in the world.

Love is really what its all about. In my workplace, in my connection and interaction with other human beings, I have the capacity and the ability to have empathy, compassion and love. In a business that can sometimes feel so cold, so inhumane, I am reminded that WHO I AM cannot be separated from what I do in my work. I AM my greatest tool in my workplace.

I CAN make a difference, one person at a time. I needed that reminder more than you will ever know. I couldn't see the forest for the trees, and I know I was becoming jaded and tired. I know I will watch your film several more times before returning it to my local library, because your message is one that I desperately needed to hear. What you did has mattered to me. And I just wanted to say thank you, not just for reigniting my spirit but also for the people I will help as a result.

With a grateful heart,