That's why I have said nothing. I said nothing to the friend we were meant to be visiting together this weekend, I have said nothing to anyone at work, I've kept my big fat mouth shut. There's only two friends I have confided in, and even then I carefully chose my words because I want to be a better person. I want to be someone who wouldn't say something bad about people, and after the last few months I realise just how far I've fallen in this area. I used to be someone who would always see the good in people, and who would try to forgive. But somewhere along the line, my innocence has dissipated and has been replaced with cynicism and it was only after I got out of this latest friendship that I realised the dark and dreary outlook on the world I had adopted had come from that very relationship. Not that I blame them. After all, I am in charge of guarding my heart and my character and my relationship with Jesus. They're not responsible for that, I am, and I've been rather neglectful of late.
Driving home from Sydney today I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a car that said "Love it or leave it" with the Australian flag on it. Setting aside the obvious debate over racism and immigration etc etc it got me thinking about how people relate to each other these days. Friendships and marriages both these days seem to be so temporary - and its got me wondering when relationships became so disposable? The minute you say or do something the other person doesn't like, it's like they just jump at the opportunity to ditch the friendship and move on. I guess its like our consumerism and how we're so ready to throw things away....always upgrading, always trading for something bigger, better, more convenient, more comfortable, less hard. When did we stop working on our relationships?
I feel really sad when I think about how quickly we discard people - it's like as soon as they've served their purpose its all done and you just move on. Instead of making yourself a little uncomfortable and actually have a conversation with the person to sort out the argument its easier to just hit delete, block, and move on to relationships that don't challenge us, or stretch us - but in doing so, do we lose the opportunity to learn something? Do we lose a potentially amazing friendship that could have lasted a lifetime?
I admit, I'm at a bit of a loss to know what to do now. I've been blocked from facebook, and as I'm off work for a week there won't really be any opportunity for contact until next week at the earliest, and even then I have no idea what that will look like. How will they act towards me? Will they speak to me? Will they ignore that I exist? And how will I respond? Without any closure at all, the whole thing is just left hanging in the air without any end, and it's hard to know how to proceed. And as a Christian, what SHOULD I do? The attack came out of a very small disagreement we were having, and before I knew what had happened things had blown up in my face. It wasn't something I had intended to happen, and it wasn't even something I saw coming - it completely blindsided me. Should I have conducted myself better? I have NO doubt at all. Can the relationship be repaired? With God anything is possible....these questions are there, but the one that hangs heavy in my heart is should it?
I had to really examine myself, and this friendship, and I came to realise that perhaps this relationship wasn't something I should be fighting for. I didn't like who I was around this person, suspicious, gossipy and bitter. They weren't lifting me up, or challenging me to be a better version of myself. If the person were here, they'd easily take my inventory (and in part did when the argument occurred) and I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty either. That's not the point anyways. The point is that I had been changed, I had turned into someone I didn't recognise, and I became very depressed over the last couple of weeks as a result. It was only after the friendship ended that I realised this was where it all came from.
So, now what? Well, that's a really great question! I won't ever truly know why things have happened the way they have, and I wont ever understand why some people have come and gone from my life. What I do know for sure though, is that sometimes God's greatest gifts truly are unanswered prayers - sometimes the biggest blessing that God can give us when it comes to relationships is a broken one because it means there's room in my life for other relationships where I grow and learn. It's so so hard to let go, it's really tough to admit that the friendship truly is over and done with - but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it's something that God has allowed to happen to me for a reason. And when I figure out the reason, I'll let you know!
Until next time,
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