Why I'm not Going to Church (and other reasons I'm labelled a heretic!)

So if you've been reading this blog for a while you'll know that church is a bit of a sore issue for me. Ok, its a LOT of a sore issue with me. Unfortunately I've been through the ringer when it comes to church, and I went from being a misty eyed optimist who thought that church was just wonderful and great and fabulous and perfect to being crushed and becoming cynical and stale and over it. Now more than anything else I'm just confused. I dont really know what to think at this point so I guess I'll just pour out a few thoughts for you all about why I'm struggling with the idea of "church".

1. Trust - or lack thereof.
This is probably the number one problem with me going to church. I find it difficult to trust especially when I feel like people aren't being authentic. I dont know who the pastors are, I don't know whose legit and whose not, I dont even really know what denomination I want to be anymore. I always said that I considered myself "just Christian" but I've also always gone to pentacostal churches. Lately I have been questioning whether that's a good choice for me anymore, or whether perhaps there's somewhere else for me where I can be myself. I've been burned by pastors who we thought were legit and turned out to be just in it for themselves and I think that's really affected me. I dont trust that pastors have their congregation's agendas above their own - and I feel like any church I go to there's always something that puts me on edge these days, whether it be the focus of a sermon, a comment about tithing or something else. I feel like pastors pump themselves up and are only focused on numbers of people and numbers of tithes rather than the quality of interactions. The church I have been going has the slogan "1000 strong reaching 1000's more" which granted, is a fine goal, but I feel like a focus just on numbers forfeits a focus on feeding those who already attend and making sure they're taken care of.

2. "The Church" aka "The People" - I feel very uncomfortable in church settings these days. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, or alternatively like I'm invisible. No one sees me, no one wants to see me, people just walk by me and dont bother. And even if people do see me its always the same...I have to put on the "happy church face" and talk about the weather and my job and how blessed I am yadda yadda yadda. It's all such crap. It feels fake to me, phoney and a real "show" for sunday morning. I dont want to be fake. I want a real church experience where I feel fed and nurtured and safe. I dont get that anymore, and I miss it. I feel like everyone puts on such an act for church I never get to know anyone really.

3. Un-reality - I feel like going to church is like stepping out of reality for a while - you put on your happy face, you play the part, you raise ur hands when ur supposed to, bow ur head when you're supposed to, pull out your iphone, tablet or bible and look interested when ur supposed to, and then you navigate the gauntlet to get out of the building without someone stopping you and commenting on how they "missed you" at some event and then pause expentantly for some pat answer that you know is false, or worse they see your left hand and inevitably give you that look of pity and ask "so you're husband isn't a believer" and then you have to try and explain in 30 words or less why ur husband just isn't into church to which they always pat your hand and say "oh well we'll add him to our prayers dear" -  and then there's always the awkward goodbyes from people standing at the doorway ready to pounce on you to try and offer you coffee, because despite you having been there for weeks they still think you're new - and then when you finally get out the door and get back to your car you're so exhausted that any refreshment you got from the service is gone - so you drag urself home, telling urself that you did the right thing and gave time to God when in reality you wish you'd stayed home and gotten some housework done because that would have been more productive. Then you feel bad. *sigh* this is my experience of church these days. I just dont want to do it anymore. And I keep telling myself I should, and I feel awfully condemned for not going, and I pray and I bargain and I plead with God to renew my mind and take me back to that more innocent time when church was fun and friendly and warm. I tell myself that church is good for me, and that I should put aside my shyness and my misgivings and just take the plunge but every time I put a toe in the water there's something in me that dreads it.

I love God. I truly do. I talk to Him all the time. I love His word, and I love His Son, and I try to live every single day reminding myself how incredibly blessed I am to have this life. I try my best to live in a way that would be pleasing to God, and I know I screw up more often than not, but I do try really hard. So why is church so hard? Is it that I just haven't found a new "home" yet? Or is it deeper than that? Is it something wrong with me? Why is it that other Christians find church so easy, yet here I am still struggling after all these years. I know all the arguments about not experiencing growth without a church and I truly believe that's true. So how do I get past this? Will I ever get past this? And if I don't, how will I go on without the beautiful benefits that come from having a spiritual family? I'm so desperate for that, I just dont know how to be what they want me to be anymore.

When I figure it out I'll let you know...in the meantime....

Until next time...