Ho hum....

Another weekend is over, and another week is upon me. It doesn't seem to matter how anticipated the weekend is, it's always over too soon. 

This weekend it does feel like time has slowed down a little though and perhaps that's because I've been fighting off a virus so I've been less active than I normally would be. Saturday I spent most of the day prepping for a dinner party with friends which was lovely, and then today I have literally done NOTHING. Like, seriously - NOTHING. Oh, wait, I did do the grocery shopping. But that's it. I've been feeling so lethargic and achey and my throat has a horrible tickle it feels like I'm swallowing gravel!

Despite my best efforts it also meant I had to miss church again. Not by design, but because I didn't want to be spreading my germies all over the place. I really wanted to go though. I'm feeling really down and depressed, so I thought I'd blog some of my favourite things to cheer me up - enjoy!

I have a Holly Hobbie puzzle that I've recently framed and put on my wall in my office - it makes me smile because it reminds me of my childhood :) 

This is apparently called "Pool Party" LOL

Love love love, and did I mention LOVE this dress!

 

I'm doing a bit of research into the "Health at Every Size" movement - it's a bit of a mind shift to what the medical profession will have you think, but so far it seems like the research is pretty sound. We all know that there's plenty of skinny people who are very unhealthy - it's all about health, not size! 

Amen Sista - if the rest of the music profession could think like this there'd be a lot more great music out there and a lot less rubbish! 

I'm still trying to do this.....

Whatever is good.....

The last couple of days I've been very agitated. Last night I had a meltdown over our fire alarms.

Yes, it's not a typo, our fire alarms.

You see, we have fire alarms that go off at ANYTHING other than water being cooked on the stove top. Doesn't matter what it is, doesnt matter what stage of cooking it is in, if it's anything other than water being boiled you're in trouble. While I appreciate the safety this affords us, it's incredibly frustrating when you're just trying to cook dinner, and to top it off the sudden nature of the alarms going off seems to be a really bad trigger for me - it freaks me out!!! Then Brad was getting cranky at the dog, and I just couldn't take it - I felt like there was danger all around me and I just dissolved.

Then today my husband and I sat down to watch a movie and we chose a movie called Harry Brown which we thought would be an ok movie to watch. Unfortunately we were wrong. The violence, swearing, drugs and disgusting scenes in the movie slowly began to disgust me and anger me, and then at one point there's a man who suddenly yells really loud and I lost it - I yelled at brad to turn it off and then had a full blown panic attack. It took me ages to calm down. I couldn't handle the violence or the "base-ness" of what I was seeing. I'm so angry at what is acceptable in this world. I'm so frustrated about what people will accept. It makes me long for a world where drug abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, sex and all manner of catering to the most basic primal pleasures is no longer acceptable: where people stand up and DO SOMETHING. 

I feel like a freak. Like an absolute FREAK in this world. And if I dare say anything I get told to stop being a "prude" and to get a "sense of humor". Today I got told that I have no sense of humor because I didn't find a video on youtube equating being "australian" with being a drunken moron funny - it's become so much a part of our lives that to NOT go out and get drunk, have sex outside of marriage, not swear, not smoke, not to do drugs, lie, cheat, steal or be out only for number one is NOT normal - I'm somehow "going against the grain".....WHY SHOULD IT BE???? Who the hell (emphasis intentional) decided that this was ok??? 

Scripture says in Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things". Perhaps God emphasises this because He knew just how hard that would be. 

We're told not to conform with the world and I can see in my own household evidences of this conforming and I am very angry about it. I see it in me, I see it in my husband, I see it in what we watch, what we listen to, how we act and react. It's not acceptable, it shouldnt be acceptable - and it's time that I take a stand for my little corner of the world. I refuse to bend under the pressure I feel at work to become bitter and cynical. I refuse to conform to the idea that indulging in the things of this world is a good idea. I refuse to comply with the belief that we're only here for this life and we shouldn't be thinking about others. I simply won't accept it.

So, how am I going to do this? So glad you asked!!! Here's my list...

• Time to launch a prayer ATTACK on my workplace - that includes praying during the day, speaking in tounges while I work, prayer in every room and watching my language and my witness to my workmates. 
• From now on I am going to be very careful about what I watch and what I listen to - I will do as scripture says!!
• I need to make Christian friendships a priority because they're sadly lacking in my immediate world - I miss having a church family and I need that back
• I need to prioritise church events over other things rather than always putting them off
• I will no longer hide my witness - I'm Christian and I'm not afraid for others to know it and even challenge it
• I'm going to bake something and take it over to the neighbours - its wrong that we've never met
• my online presence in the short term will probably reduce - I need to start concerntrating on my real world rather than the online world. I'm sick of being addicted to facebook and to being online. It's time I take control over my life. 

I honestly believe that only my relationship with God will heal my bruised spirit right now. But in order for me to tap into that I have to stop isolating myself from others, and I have to most of all concentrate on those things that God values - not what the world values. So this is fair warning - if there's stuff I see that isn't good, pure, noble, lovely I WILL DELETE IT. I won't indulge it anymore. I wish I could be done with this world, but so long as I'm in it I WILL make a difference to my little corner of it. 

Big Fish Syndrome....

So, since joining the cast for Phantom of the Opera I've been doing a lot of thinking about my childhood, in particular about my musical involvement to date....

I've loved musical theatre for as long as I can remember, primarily at first because it was my favourite category in the local Eisteddfod. If singing were a type of football, the musical theatre section was like the state of origin - if you won that, you won respect. It was the total package, costumes, props and on occasion elaborate sets, choreography and months of rehearsal. I was involved in the local choral society, and our conductor had a train carriage (I'm not kidding, an actual train carriage) FILLED to the brim with costumes and props that she had accumulated over the years and this became my source for all things theatre. Every year song choice was absolutely key, and if you had the right combination of personality, voice, choreography, entertainment and precision you could pull some major points. The musical theatre section was almost always at night, and if you won that you had a pretty good shot of being chosen to sing in the winners concert at the end of the competition.

Eisteddfod was both a massively positive part of my life and was also a bit of a handicap. You see, I lived in a small town, where there was rarely any unknown entities in the program. I could look down the list of names on any given year and know who my competition was. This is great for winning in the moment but terrible for learning how to cope in the real world, because more often than not we dont know who our competition is. We don't know what the outcome is going to be and because of that we don't know what the rules are or what the criteria for success is based upon the competition.

The long and the short of it - I was a big fish in a very small pond.

This meant that while I was in my small town living my small town life I enjoyed a fair bit of success. Eisteddfods were my favourite time of the year, every year. I wasn't athletic, I wasn't academic, but two weeks of the year I ruled the school!

Then I went to uni.

Uni was heaps fun, but to be honest, it was also a bit of a shock. Suddenly I wasn't the best, I wasn't even that good. I was below average, I had no classical training and I was consistently cast in the chorus, without fail, every single show. I also had my first bout of depression, so I dropped out and went on a 7 year long sabbatical from music in general other than singing karaoke with mates or doing the odd wedding or funeral.

My husband, God Bless his cotton socks, would swear on a stack of bibles that I'm the best thing to happen to singing since Dame Joan Sutherland - and he's a little biased!! But I do know that I have flaws. I grew up singing to slim dusty and abba, so I'm not at all classically trained. My breathing is all over the place, I can be quite nasal at times, my voice is high but can be very squeaky....and the worst infraction.....

Hand on my heart, I confess....I'm a belter. It's the worst thing you can say of a classically trained singer. It's shameful, but it's the truth. And to be honest, I make no apologies!! Despite this being a major faux pa in the singing world, I'm proud to be a belter!! (I should make that into a t shirt!!)

So, given all of this I was grateful to be cast as part of the local production of Phantom of the Opera. I've loved POTO since I first saw it at age 13 and it seriously changed my life. From that moment on I LIVED to become Sarah Brightman. I'd strut around my grandmother's living room memorising every move to every song and STRAINING to reach the top notes in songs such as the title song, Wishing you were Somehow Here Again and Pie Jesu. I knew that my life would be in the theatre and I was determined to be a big star.

Now I'm in a production of POTO, and I was cast as ensemble and I'm starting to believe that this is by far the best place for me. I'm learning some very valuable lessons in participation, humility and in being a part of something not because I'm in a title role but just because I love it and I want it to be successful. For the first two rehearsals no one even talked to me - like not at all. But I'm still there because I love the show, and because I want to be a part of it. If I didn't I would have quit already, high school cliques are not something I'm interested in. It's given me a new appreciation for those who've never been centre stage, those who are always part of the chorus, who just front up every time and do the hard work without the glory or the accolades that comes with being "up front". It's taught me that my worth is not tied up in how successful a singer I am - a lesson I didn't learn as a child.

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like some prima donna (pardon the pun!) - I don't think I have a big head about my singing, although I do think as a child I was pumped up to believe I was something extraordinary. It's kind of nice to get to my age and realise that I'm not so extraordinary - I like being a part of the crowd :) :) One day I hope I can be part of a show where I get a big part again, but for now I'm going to "wave my rose" from the back and enjoy the ride! :)

Til next time!

Gratitudes...

So, I went to a Heal For Life retreat a couple of years ago - and every morning during the retreat they'd do morning and evening reflections. The morning one consisted of examining what I need to do for the day and what I'm grateful for.

It's a lovely idea, bringing to the front of your mind first thing in the morning some of the things I've been blessed with in my life. There's so much to choose from! I try in the chaos of my mornings to get up and have some quiet time with God where I still myself and read the bible and just try to quiet myself for the day. But I dont think that's enough - so I thought I'd get a head start by listing a few of the things I'm grateful for here :)

1. Good times with friends - this picture always makes me laugh because I remember what I was doing at the time - I'm so grateful for all my friends (including the two lovely ladies pictured) - for Angie, and Bennie, and Liesl - even though they dont live here I know they're not really far away from me :)

2. My glorious home - I have bought the most beautiful house, I could never have imagined being blessed with such a peaceful, quiet, beautiful and happy place for me to come home and lock the world away. It's my sanctuary and I've been so blessed to be able to fill it with my favourite people and my favourite things - music art and love!

3. Moving to NSW - this time last year I would never have believed how much my life would have changed in such a short period of time! Getting a job down here and moving to Tamworth has literally been a lifelong dream come true for me and even on my worst days down here I have to keep reminding myself how truly blessed I am to be doing what I'm doing right now!

4. My amazing husband - every single day I realise just a little more that there's much more to him than a handsome face! He's my best friend in the whole wide world, he is the most amazing person and I love him so much. I could never imagine my life without him, he's completely and totally everything to me and I love him madly xoxo

5. My part yet to play in Phantom of the Opera - only the 8th amateur performance in the world - what an amazing opportunity to get to know some EXTREMELY talented people and perform what is undoubtedly one of the most incredible pieces of musical theatre ever created and certainly my favourite :) Even though I didn't get a named role, I have to say I'm so blessed to be a part of it and I can't wait to make history!


Well that's just five! What are you grateful for?

Under New Management....

So, this morning I went out to the shops to get a steam mop (which is awesome!!!). I was driving back with my pooch along the highway when I noticed a service station. It had a big, loud sign out the front saying "under new management".

I began to wonder why businesses would want to advertise that. I smiled to myself because I figured it's kind of like wiping the slate clean with anyone who isn't happy with that business - it's a way of starting from scratch.....Oh, didn't like us before? Don't worry, any mistakes that are made are gone now because it wasn't us! We're under new management! Not exactly a vote of confidence towards the previous owners is it? LOL But I digress....

I began thinking about myself, and my life. I haven't been very nice to myself at times. All the terrible awful stuff that was passed down to me by my parents, especially my father, has been perpetuated by none other than myself! I still dream about my father harassing me, following me, turning up and causing a fight, threatening me. And when I'm not having dreams about my past, I'm talking to myself exactly as he used to talk to me, perpetuating the cycle of violence, abuse and rejection in my life. He still controls me even though I haven't seen him in around 10 years at least.

It makes me think that maybe its time that I hang a sign around my neck saying "Under New Management" - the good news is that God gives me mercies afresh every single morning, which means any day I can start afresh - but I dont want to be under the management of myself anymore. Perhaps its time to just hand it all over to the Master Manager and let Him deal with it!

Dark Days....

So, the last couple of weeks have been really hard for me, especially this week. Due to changing roles, having issues with dr's appointments and psychologist appointments and just generally going through stuff my anxiety has shot through the roof and I've been feeling really all over the place. Add that time of the month and you have a recipe for disaster!!

Thankfully, I had enough presence of mind at the beginning of the week to ask for today off in flex, so I've got a small light at the end of the tunnel - I would have slept around eight hours last night, got up at 5am for three hours to finish my assignment and then I slept right through again til 11am - that's how tired I've been! Anxiety disorders are EXHAUSTING! It's been really hard to switch my brain off, and because I've started rehearsals for Phantom late nights are now a necessity rather than an occasional mistake.

So the million dollar question is why. Why do I go through this, and why don't I just let it all go and not worry so much. It's almost like being a drug addict - you hate it but you keep going back over and over and over again because it's all you know to do. Its the way you cope with life and its been that way for so long that changing it seems like a massive mountain to overcome.

But it's not my only mountain.....

My work is challenging - there's no two ways about it. My new boss is challenging. She's fast paced, and abrasive, and incredibly intelligent and sometimes down right abrupt. She flies in and flies out and leaves a trail of destruction wherever she goes. I feel like I've been hit by a train when she fires orders at me and I feel like I'm always on the brink of completely losing the plot. I feel very green, very unprepared and very anxious around her. It's not something I have any illusions will change in the short term. I know it's something I have to learn to manage. How I do that is a bit of a mystery at this point. The nature of my work is hard, but I just think my boss is making it worse. Once I'm more confident in my job I'm sure I wont feel this bad, but the thought of going back to work next week makes me feel ill.

Then there's the weight issues. Again, no illusions about my situation - I'm very very overweight. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it - it's not like you could miss me! My life is so much more stable than it used to me, and it's time for me to do something about it. I dont know what, I dont know how to even start, but I know it has to happen.

Then there's my phantom experience so far which I have to say hasn't been fantastic. I had it in my head that I'd walk in to rehearsals and instantly be surrounded with like minded people who were there to make magic and have a great time doing it. I didn't think the reception I'd get would be quite so cold. It all started on facebook (doesn't it always??) when I tried several times to join the phantom and TMS pages. I thought that I hadn't joined because the "join"  button kept coming up, so I kept trying to join. I then to my horror discovered one night that the director of the show was posting on the page saying I was a spammer! There was all the conjecture about who I was, and ppl getting on there and saying "decline!!!" and it took DAYS before someone said "gee maybe you should message this person perhaps they're real..." by this stage I'd been trying to message the director to go helloooo I'm real, but he never got the messages so at least I emailed the production assistant and the message finally got through. Then rehearsals started, and I've only had two so far but both times I've felt very much alone. I'm a complete wall flower.

Everyone knows everyone and they've all been in hundreds of shows together so me coming in not knowing a soul has been REALLY hard. I hate being a loser. I hate being so NOT confident in myself. I dont feel like I can say anything to anyone - I feel like a complete social retard.

The last few weeks have been really difficult and dissappointing. I have no more psychologist appointments left til next year, so I've had to apply for some through work, but even that is a pain because now I have to start again. At the same time though I feel like I can't really go for long without them because if I do I end up being a basket case at work, and I cant afford that. I have very little sick leave (like, a day or so) very little rec leave (like, a week or so) and I'm using my last full day of flex to have today off. I need to work, I need to be calm, and I need to get a grip.

So....any ideas on how I do that??

Right now I just want to bury my head in the sand.....

and I guess I'll resurface and start again on Tuesday......

Til then!