The Calm after the Storm.....

So, after my post on Friday I was hoping that the worst was behind me. I'm sad to say I was wrong. The weekend only saw things go south in a big bad way, and a LOT of things went wrong. Throughout it all I prayed to God to help me be a rock, strong and stable, in the middle of the storm. I asked God to show me how to be unwavering in my faith.

I find often that God has a great way of calling our bluff. The minute we start getting too big for our boots God has a way of allowing us to fall on our butts as a reminder to us of how spiritually immature we really are. Sunday I cracked - everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, and after a string of misfortunes I turned my car to go home and I did something shameful. Really shameful. I didn't pray. I didn't thank God for my blessings. I didn't take a deep breath. I didn't even have time to count to ten.

The only way I can describe what happened next is to say I chucked a massive tantrum. If I hadn't been driving at the time, I am convinced there is an extremely strong possibility that I would have thrown myself onto the ground and gone straight into a three year old fit. I punched my own leg (hard, several times in sheer frustration and rage). I wanted to swear so bad (but didn't - a frontier I didn't want to cross cos then I'd just have to ask God for forgiveness afterwards and feel awful about it) I cried. I screamed. I bawled like a baby. By the time I got home I was hyperventilating and shaking so bad that applying my makeup for the concert I was to perform in within the hour was a GREAT task!

I was able to calm myself down in time to do the concert, only to come home and find that our air conditioner had broken down :( potentially at least 3 grand or more to replace if it couldn't be fixed!!! By that point I was so spent, my work had stuffed up my pay so we had no money, now we had potentially thousands to spend on an air conditioner, and all sorts of other little things were piling up on me. I dont deal very well with these kinds of scenarios, shameful as I am to admit it, so lets say the rest of the weekend (what little was left) was depressing.

I am pleased to say that many of these issues, big and small, have already been resolved. I finally got paid (yay!) and the air conditioner got fixed today costing 550 bucks instead of thousands! With this news I feel like I'm coming out of my funk. It's not the anxiety that concerns me so much cos that's something I've been dealing with for years. What really scares me is the sheer unbridled RAGE that boils up in me. And this time it wasn't a flash in the pan thing, it went on for DAYS - I was so incredibly angry with the world that in the moment I didn't care who I hurt, how rational or irrational I was, I was just PISSED (scuse the french, couldn't think of a better adjective for the feeling!) That rage filtered into every interaction I had for at least the last 4 days or so (so so sorry peeps!) and all the while my poor husband had absolutely NO idea what to do with the raging lunatic that was sleeping next to him at night and roughly resembling his once sane wife!!!!

 And where did this rage come from? Immaturity for sure. A sense of entitlement - very possibly. A lack of faith - without a doubt. One thing that did come to mind, especially when it came to the pay issue was that a good part of my feelings came from a very strong lack of trust. I was told that the issue would be resolved, but I didn't trust it. I didn't trust it because I feel like I've trusted over and over and over and over and over and over again what people say when they say they're gonna help, and they don't help. They say things will be fixed, but they dont get fixed. They assure me that they're working on it. They tell me they'll call. Friends tell me I'm worth their time, and then I never hear from them again. My father and stepmother told me that they'd return my valuables, and then moved away without telling me. I've been let down so many times that I imagine the worst possible scenario so that I'm not blind sided when the worst happens, becuase in the moment I'm convinced it will.

I've had a bit of time to think through all this, and I've come to the conclusion that while my outside appearance may be on the up and up, my internal self needs a LOT of work. It's not enough to look good on the outside, with makeup and hair done and pretty clothes and a "normal" sized figure. It means nothing if your soul is toxic, and the last few days I reckon my soul has been very toxic. Feel like I'm only just coming out of that darkness now, but it does make me determined to try and overcome whatever demons are plaguing me.

(SIDE NOTE: yes, I do actually believe in demons, and angels because part of my faith is a belief in the spiritual world as outlined in the bible - I dont believe I can be possessed because the Holy Spirit lives in me, but the enemy can sure do a lot to mess with my head, and he does use my past against me to turn my emotions around and around)

I've become very aware of how many "selfies" I've been posting of myself. Always at a downward angle, always in some nice outfit, always with makeup on and hair done. I don't want people out there to think that makeup and hair and clothing are necessary for someone to be beautiful, and I definitely don't want people to get that impression when they're following my journey. My weight loss has had very little to do with outward appearances (which is why I still wear sleeveless tops regardless of my upper arms that can wave without the rest of my hand doing so!!!!) the outwards appearances have been a happy bonus. What has really mattered is my physical health - and now that I'm looking at a much brighter physical future it's time to start thinking about my spiritual future. My health will deteriorate if I dont try and get my emotions under control.

In light of all of this - here's my no makeup selfies - straight out of the shower, in my jammies, sporting nothing but a cup of my precious coffee. And a special thank you to all the beautiful people recently who have told me that I am beautiful - and even more thank yous to those who told me that I have some beauty on the inside. One day I really hope that my insides and outsides will match - until then be patient with me while I try and sort out the deep dark world of my emotional life.

Until next time!

The Pros and Cons

So this week hasn't been the best week for me - seems like lots of things have gone wrong!!! Im doing my best to stay positive, especially since it's the weekend!

 
And so ends week two of my secondment to Housing NSW and I have to admit, a little bit of the shine has worn off. Don't get me wrong, it's great to be learning something new every single day, it's just a bit frustrating feeling so useless every day because you're kind of half there and half not. I have also found myself really missing being in a familiar environment with familiar people and familiar processes and I'm not sure why I feel that way - I definitely couldn't have predicted that! I keep oscillating between missing my old role, and then remembering WHY I took the secondment and WHY I needed the change and all the bad stuff that was happening to me. I have absolutely no doubt that had I not made a change I'd be in a pretty bad way by now - I was absolutely EXHAUSTED - I had nothing left to give, and I've found that making a change has re-energised me.

So, the question remains - where to from here. I am half way through the four weeks that has been approved, with no guarantee of a continuation at this point, so potentially I could be back in the csc in a fortnight from now. I've been told that there is a senior client services officer position coming up, and also potential for perhaps project roles etc. Career wise, a move to housing would be a good one for me - I think there's a LOT of potential there for progression in the housing organisation, probably more than in Community Services at this point. There's definitely pros and cons to both, and I am hedging at the moment, not really able to make the call. I think if a senior client services position came up I'd have to take it. There is definitely big differences between Community Services and housing in terms of the focus - Housing is very much a business, and at the end of the day there's a definite bottom line to be reached and financial targets, goals etc. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've never been great with 'business" in the money sense - my business has always been people, not money. There's definitely a lot of work to do in terms of office structure, and a HUGE divide between the three main areas in the office. I'm not sure how anyone can cross those chasms, but I'd love to have a crack at trying to change the culture and make it a really harmonious, open place to work in.

Community Services has its flaws too the primary one being the way the work can at times trigger me. Working with families where child abuse is present is hard for me, and some days its all I can do to keep from screaming. I know it's taken a toll on my mental health, and probably my physical health, and in the long term I have to take that seriously. Is it sustainable for me to believe that I can keep it up long term, and not eventually come to the end of a very long rope? Probably not. I have to start planning for my future in the long term, and I'm looking into the possibility of studying and going into a more therapeutic job rather than being in a statutory body. It's something I reckon I can work towards and definitely fits in with plans for kids etc. I cannot imagine being in any other industry but a people helping one, its just a matter of what environment I want to end up in.

In the meantime, the secondment continues and next week is set to be my most challenging yet because it looks like I'll be "babysitting" someone else's portfolio for the week - and over in one of the most challenging parts of town. It's going to be interesting to say the least!!! I'm a little nervous, I don't want to stuff anything up, but I also want to rise to the challenge and exceed expectations - because I ALWAYS want to exceed expectations. It's part of who I am, and it's how I learnt to get recognition and affection - by giving above and beyond and working double as hard to try and blow people away. It's great for my career prospects moving forward, though I do tend to put a lot of pressure on my self as a result.

Next week, I plan on really getting stuck into the work, hopefully doing some more practical things and being out in the field even more. It's gonna be bloody hot!!! LOL But it will be good honest work :) I just want to soak up the whole experience while I am there, for however long I am there, and when the time comes to make decisions I trust that God will lead me where he wants me. Someone once told me that if both options look equal, leave it up to God and see what happens! If there's no clearly defined path, either through the bible or through circumstances, then at some point you have to trust that the Holy Spirit will guide you, and that when the moment comes you will be lead one way or another. That is my prayer for this whole thing - that eventually I'll be lead one way or another and as a result find the right place for me.

Until next time!

Where's Your Door?

Ok...I confess....

I have become a MASSIVE netflix junkie, especially since my husband purchased some kind of thingamie (legal of course) that allows us to access US Netflix as well!!!! It's absolutely fantastic! Of course the consequence of this has been that I've been a bit of a couch potato of late, but its quite compelling to be able to watch all the shows that we dont get on Aussie TV and I'd otherwise have to try and source via youtube! 

Today I was pottering around while watching the "Hoarders" collection on netflix - considering I've just started a secondment with NSW Housing I figured its research!!! 

There was a woman on one of the episodes, a lovely lady, who described having issues with being in abusive relationships. She described physical and emotional abuse, and an intense overriding fear of being alone. Her daughter quoted her as saying "a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all"....

When the psychologist arrived to her home, the lady met her at the door way but there was no door. The psychologist asked her where her door was and the lady simply replied "I have no door". When I heard that, I thought it was the most profound and sad declaration - a physical manifestation of the lack of boundaries and self esteem she had described in her personal life.

It got me thinking about boundaries, and about my own doors. For someone like me, the most terrifying prospect when it comes to relationships is not having them. Loneliness is my worst nightmare, because for so long my self esteem was completely wrapped up in the quality of the friendships around me. If those friends let me down, I'd crumble completely. The smallest infraction and I'd feel completely and utterly devastated, like my world was crashing down around me. I'd hyperventilate, I'd cry, I'd scream, and I'd really feel like my world had ended. I know that sounds completely irrational, but it's absolutely how I felt and have continued to feel for a really long time. It's a really unhealthy and unGodly way to live, because my reliance as a Christian for my identity should be in GOD and in being a child of God, anything else is false and sure to crumble. Intellectually I know this, but changing my emotions and my habits is a little more complicated. 

So I guess the question then becomes, what does God say about boundaries? I found it difficult at first to find verses that really applied, although this one is interesting: 

Philippians 1:9-10 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ

The Bible talks about having discernment and looking at what is true and pure and sticking to those things. I think its difficult to do that when your boundaries are blurred, and you dont really know how to figure out what is good and true and what isn't. That's why there's women like the one on the hoarder TV show who keep choosing bad relationships over and over and over again. They dont have a door because they dont know what an appropriate door looks like. They dont know how to draw the line because they've never seen an example of an appropriate line being drawn. And while I'm not a hoarder, I struggle at times with the same issues. At times I feel like I struggle to make friendships and keep friendships as an adult, because I'm not strong enough to stand on my own and close the door and not let what other people affect how I view myself. 

What I am trying to absorb down to my bones is who I really am, because knowing that will slowly start to build my immunity to what other people do and say. Sure, I'm only human, and you can be hurt by people sometimes, but there's a big difference between being hurt occasionally and having your world ROCKED over the smallest things. When it comes to self esteem, the bible has a LOT to say. 

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Isaiah 43:4 

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

Joshua 1:9 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Ephesians 2:10 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

1 John 4:4 

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

The truth of the matter is, if every single person in my life decided to close their doors and walk away, I'd be ok. If my entire universe as I know it crumbled around me, I'd be ok, because God is with me. I'd never ever be alone because Jesus walks with me always. And the day I get that down into my heart on a cellular level will be the day I learn to finally build my door, and know without a shadow of a doubt when to open it and when to close it. 

Until that day, be patient with me - sometimes I open the door when I should keep it closed, and sometimes I close doors that I really should have opened. I'm still learning how to do life the way God wants me to :) 

Until next time! 

A Message to Tom Shadyac, creator of the most Christian non christian documentary I've seen!

Dear Tom,

My name is Pamela, I'm 32 years old from NSW Australia. I recently picked up a DVD copy of your documentary "I Am" from my local library. At the time I was feeling disillusioned, restless, and frankly like a bit of a lump on a log. I work for Community Services, which basically means day in day out I read, discuss and make decisions on really really bad news - abuse, poverty, neglect, addiction, really tough stuff. I'm proud of my work, but society doesn't always feel the same way. I've been in the industry for some time, and I felt I needed to change it up so I was 2 days away from shifting to housing for a secondment so I could have a bit of a "mind break" when I sat down and watched your documentary.

The other area I've struggled with is my faith. Not that my relationship with God isn't solid, it totally is - it's my faith in humanity that's been shaken. I've been really profoundly hurt by people in the church, and for a long time I've wanted to reengage in a church community but haven't been able to. I've been searching for something I honestly haven't been able to find in other Christians.

I wanted to say thank you for your film. You have in the space of 78 minutes reminded me of the need for connection, of the complete and total dependence I have upon others. You have so clearly demonstrated how we are CREATED for connection and for cooperation. And most importantly you have reminded me that what I do in my day to day job MATTERS because I affect other people. Every action that I do affects others, because we are all created to be connected. You have reminded me in the simplest way that in the moments when I feel most useless I am able to be used for God to make the change I want to see in the world.

Love is really what its all about. In my workplace, in my connection and interaction with other human beings, I have the capacity and the ability to have empathy, compassion and love. In a business that can sometimes feel so cold, so inhumane, I am reminded that WHO I AM cannot be separated from what I do in my work. I AM my greatest tool in my workplace.

I CAN make a difference, one person at a time. I needed that reminder more than you will ever know. I couldn't see the forest for the trees, and I know I was becoming jaded and tired. I know I will watch your film several more times before returning it to my local library, because your message is one that I desperately needed to hear. What you did has mattered to me. And I just wanted to say thank you, not just for reigniting my spirit but also for the people I will help as a result.

With a grateful heart,

Two worlds finally collide!

Ok, so having reached 12 months post op I am finally making my blog related to my weight loss journey a little more "public" - so if you want to read about the other side of my life over the last 12 months you can find it here......

I won't be posting on there as frequently now that I've kind of moved on, but its important for those who know me to know what this journey has been like for me - it's been all consuming, all encompassing and has really changed every single facet of my life. It's opened up a whole new future for us hopefully with children and with lots of activities and good health :)

Fingers crossed anyways!!!!!

Until next time....

Ch...ch....ch....ch......channnges!

So, this week I have one goal - stay positive! No matter what! Now of course, it's not really possible to be a bubble of light all day every day, but in general I just wanted to have a focus that was very much on the positive of things and not on the negative. I wanted to bring to mind every single morning the things I was grateful for, the blessings that God has given me in my life. What I found throughout the week was that by bringing those things to mind first thing in the morning I was more likely to be happy throughout the day - I felt lighter, more resilient, and in general more positive in my frame of mind despite what was going on around me. It was so powerful that I've put in a request to join a facebook group whose goal is to talk about what makes people grateful. It hasn't been approved yet, but I thought it would give me a forum to put a quick message on every single morning about what makes me grateful.

Along with this "internal makeover" I've continued to reflect upon my external changes also. Of course, I'm not even close to my goal, still at the very least around 10kgs away - but it's time to think long term about how to sustain my new life into the future. Exercise will be a massive part of that. Every single day I'm having to challenge my own mental restrictions I have placed around myself when it comes to physical activity. There are so many things that I've written off as being not something I could do - things like skating, bush walking, learning to ride a horse - things that because of my weight I had given up on are now all of a sudden a possibility again. And of course there's the big one - kids. Pregnancy was never an option to me because of my weight. It would be unhealthy and risky for me to fall pregnant at 148.6kgs. But, as the weight comes off, the possibility increases that pregnancy is now possible. And it's certainly something on our minds more and more as time goes by.

I've also been thinking a lot about friends. What makes a friend. Who is a good friend. Who is a bad friend. What does that look like? Along with all the massive changes I've made to my body and to my attitude I've also had to "relearn" appropriate boundaries. I've realised over the last 10 months that I've had a very unhealthy view when it comes to my relationships. I've allowed unhealthy people to have an undue influence on my mental and emotional health. I've allowed friendships that aren't good for me, that suck me dry rather than have a give and take effect, to wrap themselves around my world. This has been a really painful process - I've really struggled to let go of some of these friendships, and the evolution has continued. I've had to reevaluate pretty much everything about who and what I invest myself into and what I've found is that in terms of TRUE friendships, I have basically a handful of people. There's plenty of people in my life who are acquaintances, but when it comes to people who are really there for me there's very few. It's hard not to feel more than a little down about this, but I've tried to instead take it as an opportunity to expand my circle. I've had some gaping holes in my life for quite some time. On Friday night I went to a bible study and realised that one of those holes has been not necessarily CHURCH persay, but having Christian friends I can feel safe with who I can discuss the word of God with. I found that this week, and my heart soared. Another hole has been having friends who WANT to spend time with me. Who make an effort to spend time with me. Who even ASK to spend time with me. The amount of relationships I've had over the last few years who I've wasted time on CHASING them is really disgusting.

*EDIT*

A lovely lady shared this video on facebook today that REALLY explains beautifully what I'm trying to employ in my life regarding my friendships :) Tyler Perry ROCKS!

A dear friend of mine that I had coffee with the other day made an interesting point also. I was telling her how lonely I had been recently with all these friendships shutting down around me, and she said "I live in my bubble with my family and my kids, and apart from a couple of really close friends I dont really have that need much" - now I'm not suggesting I have children as a way of filling a hole in my life, cos I dont believe in children being born with a job, but it was an interesting point. What I'm really craving is relationships, and like it or not having children does provide that. Perhaps what I'm really seeking is not another friend, but instead a family.

The question is, what do I really want and need from my relationships. I'm still trying to figure that out. It's hard for me to make friends at times, so reengaging in church seems like an obvious first step. I think I'm starting to become more aware of what relationships I have that make me feel really good, and I've made a commitment to myself to invest in those relationships and let go of anyone else who make me feel really bad. It really hurts having to do that, but in the long run it's the best thing for me.

Along with all of this, I've also been thinking more about long term the choices I make food wise. When i think about the choices I used to make regarding food my mind is constantly blown - not in terms of volume but in terms of content. I've given up all carbonated drinks, including mineral water or soda water. I've given up fast food. I've given up pretty much all junk food. When I eat, I eat protein, and whole grains, REAL food, veggies and fruits. I still have two small squares of chocolate a day as a treat before bed, but that's included in my caloric count every day. I still have my coffee, and my tea, and I still get to eat real food, including food I really like, but the difference is the foods I LIKE look very different to the foods I used to like. I still get cravings, and I still have to fight against those cravings, but its become a LOT easier. Right now I'm watching a documentary called "fed up" which is about childhood obesity, and it blows my mind how different I feel and think about food. I'm just not entering into the hype anymore. I have a real desire to "clean up my act" even more around foods. I've joined the facebook page for the farmers market, and I want to cook more REAL food and less processed food. I want to drink more water, consume less sugar, and for the first time I believe I CAN do that. I feel like my education has only JUST begun in terms of my long term health and weight.

With all this going on, it's no wonder I'm feeling a bit run down. This weekend I've come down with a cold, and I've been sleeping a LOT - like 10 hours or more both Friday and Saturday night. I'm not even sure 'll make it to work tomorrow, but I do plan on getting a dr's appointment just to make sure if I need time off I can take it. I'm completely and totally committed to looking after myself in all aspects. It's time I started protecting myself because I'm worth it!

Til next time!

Poor ol' Michael Finnegan, Begin again.....

This morning I once again stuck my pinkie toe into shark infested 'church' waters and turned up at a "new" church.

I wish I could adequately convey just how much I hate the whole "new person at church" experience....no, wait, hate isn't even good enough - LOATHE perhaps.....DESPISE possibly....*looks up thesaurus* detest, object, dread, apprehension.....am I getting across even a snippet of how I feel walking into a new church?

This is the one environment where shy doesn't even cover it for me - I want the floor to open up and swallow me every single time. You may think I'm being over dramatic, but it really takes a LOT for me to go to church. This morning I drove around the block about 4 times because I didn't want to go in too early. And so it begins....

Now, let me be clear, I am in NO WAY saying that the problem is with church people themselves - the problem is all mine. The people are always lovely, curious, enquiring, sweet and smiling. I'm not in any way saying they've done anything wrong by being that way, in fact "church 101" would always say that the first thing you do when trying to set up a church is make sure your housekeeping is inviting, warm, genuine, interested - the moves are always the same no matter which church you go to.

Here's my analysis having been to "new" churches a lot - it might give you a bit of a picture as to what I go through each time I step into this environment....

First there's the door way. To me its a gauntlet of terror. There's always at LEAST two different "check points" to get to - clusters of welcomers strategically positioned both outside and inside the door way and specifically chosen as people who are particularly kind, upstanding members of the church. This comes with its own set of questions and introductions and handshakes. "What's your name" "how did you hear about us?" "Are you friends with someone here?" "Are you local?" "Did you just move here or are you visiting?"

The last two questions always fill me with the most dread, and usually illicit a vague "No I've been here a few years, just looking for a home church" which always inspires a slightly puzzled pitying gaze that makes me want to shrink down to the size of an ant and fall through the floor boards.

So, once you've run the front door gauntlet there's always the next phase which I like to call "where the heck do I sit?" - all eyes are on you as you make your way into the church. How big or small the church is really determines how awful this process is - a bigger church you can always sneak in the back and people don't generally notice. Smaller churches it's like being dressed in a gorilla costume walking into a high brow dinner party - talk about sticking out like a sore thumb!!!! This morning it was unfortunately a small church, and most of the back pews already had people in it. I had to walk down to about half way towards the front, and then walk across the middle pew to the other end as there was a handbag on the side closest to the door. This was not good news, as I knew it would be harder to walk out at the end without too many people noticing.

So, you find a seat, you pull our your bible and note book, and no doubt one of the "welcomers" has shoved a pamphlet of some description at you enthusiastically - note to self ALWAYS take it - it gives you something to look at INTENTLY as you wait for church to start in the hopes that no one will approach you! But, inevitably, the congregation has been well schooled in the art of picking out the "new face" in the congregation, and the smaller the church the more noticeable you are. It's only a matter of time before someone comes up to you, or turns around in the pew in front, taps you on the shoulder and welcomes you. Again with the obligatory questions, pitying looks and good christian smiles. Each time there's an akward pause before they go back to whatever they're doing, usually with a "I'll catch you afterwards".

Finally the service starts. You sigh a relief. Singing corporately can sometimes be a minefield if they're not big singers, I stick out like a small thumb there too - but thankfully this church was REALLY into the traditional hymns so no one could really hear me. This particular church was VERY good with the sermon, very bible based, very knowledgeable, and the message on discipleship was really clear and well thought out. There is prayer, and announcements, and I once again breathed a sigh of relief that this particular church didn't ask a show of hands (or worse, a stand up) for all those "new people" who are there for the first time (you may laugh, but my old church used to do that.....aigh aigh aigh!). Then comes the offering.....thankfully the pastor made the age old comment "those visiting please do not feel obligated" although I still had the akward moment when the young boy holding our side's bag pause at my pew and look at me.....shammmmeeeee! If I had brought change, I would have dunked it in (earmarked for coffee or not!) but I nothing. Floor, please swallow me!!!!!

Nearing the end of the service I was tempted to walk out during the last hymn to avoid the "exit" scene of the new church experience but that would have been rude. So i wait for the service to finish and to my horror everyone SITS DOWN, meaning that in order for me to make a fast getaway I have to stand up, walk around the FRONT of the pews and then towards the back with all eyes on me. Before I could get through the door, one of the welcomers stopped me to give me the obligatory "welcome pack" - a white paper bag that might as well have "NON PRACTISING HEATHEN" written on the front for all to see in blinking lights. One of the other welcomers also dashed to the back to invite me to morning tea, which I declined politely before I was able to break out of the front door and step into fresh air, sunshine and freedom.

Again, let me stress, these are MY hang ups - the church was lovely, the people seemed genuine and I felt like I was in a room of people who have a simple, genuine, beautiful faith. I noticed everyone wore their very best clothes to church (something I respect and admire from my Catholic days) and there was no sunday school, yet the children in the church were incredibly well behaved, listening intently. A young man got up to take the offertory and prayed beautifully, and I was really impressed that the teens in the room all seemed to have reverence and respect. The pastor seemed very nice and down to earth, and according to the pamphlet I was given the church gives to a LOT of different missionaries from all over the world. I liked the traditional hymns, there was no "band" but instead just a piano and trumpet, the pastor lead the singing but really the congregation overwhelmed his voice so they really lead themselves. It was a very equal, corporate service and I liked that. I can see myself going back next week even so please dont take my analysis as being in any way negatively reflecting their OH so good intentions.

As a post script, I was very impressed to find a whole block of lindt dark mint chocolate in my welcome pack....Ok.....you have my attention! When they sang "tis so sweet to trust in Jesus" I didn't think they meant literally! ha ha!

Well, I've broken the proverbial ice, and I've once again put myself out there. I have no grant illusions that I wont run away like I have every other time since the horror that was our church experiences in Roma, but I live in hope. You might be wondering why I put myself through it - after all, my status as a Christian is not dependant upon attendance at church every Sunday if you think about it - BUT I do feel that I am really not doing what God wants me to do by missing out on fellowship with other believers. I know I need church, and my struggle I am sure is at least in part because of how much I NEED it - if I find a really great church and plant myself there I can do AMAZING things for God and through God, Satan knows that full well and has done everything he can possibly do to try and keep me away. So I'll give it another sunday service next week, walk the welcoming gauntlet, and hope that the more I go the easier it will become. For those of my friends who are of the Christian persuasion please pray for me that I might find a spiritual home, and that my shyness and hang ups around church will slowly fade as I create a new church history that is positive and real instead of negative. Please pray that the goggles I wear that cause me to see "fake Christians" everywhere get ripped off my head so that I can take people as they are instead of waiting for them to hurt me. Please pray that God's will be done for me. And thank you for reading....