Where's Your Door?

Ok...I confess....

I have become a MASSIVE netflix junkie, especially since my husband purchased some kind of thingamie (legal of course) that allows us to access US Netflix as well!!!! It's absolutely fantastic! Of course the consequence of this has been that I've been a bit of a couch potato of late, but its quite compelling to be able to watch all the shows that we dont get on Aussie TV and I'd otherwise have to try and source via youtube! 

Today I was pottering around while watching the "Hoarders" collection on netflix - considering I've just started a secondment with NSW Housing I figured its research!!! 

There was a woman on one of the episodes, a lovely lady, who described having issues with being in abusive relationships. She described physical and emotional abuse, and an intense overriding fear of being alone. Her daughter quoted her as saying "a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all"....

When the psychologist arrived to her home, the lady met her at the door way but there was no door. The psychologist asked her where her door was and the lady simply replied "I have no door". When I heard that, I thought it was the most profound and sad declaration - a physical manifestation of the lack of boundaries and self esteem she had described in her personal life.

It got me thinking about boundaries, and about my own doors. For someone like me, the most terrifying prospect when it comes to relationships is not having them. Loneliness is my worst nightmare, because for so long my self esteem was completely wrapped up in the quality of the friendships around me. If those friends let me down, I'd crumble completely. The smallest infraction and I'd feel completely and utterly devastated, like my world was crashing down around me. I'd hyperventilate, I'd cry, I'd scream, and I'd really feel like my world had ended. I know that sounds completely irrational, but it's absolutely how I felt and have continued to feel for a really long time. It's a really unhealthy and unGodly way to live, because my reliance as a Christian for my identity should be in GOD and in being a child of God, anything else is false and sure to crumble. Intellectually I know this, but changing my emotions and my habits is a little more complicated. 

So I guess the question then becomes, what does God say about boundaries? I found it difficult at first to find verses that really applied, although this one is interesting: 

Philippians 1:9-10 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ

The Bible talks about having discernment and looking at what is true and pure and sticking to those things. I think its difficult to do that when your boundaries are blurred, and you dont really know how to figure out what is good and true and what isn't. That's why there's women like the one on the hoarder TV show who keep choosing bad relationships over and over and over again. They dont have a door because they dont know what an appropriate door looks like. They dont know how to draw the line because they've never seen an example of an appropriate line being drawn. And while I'm not a hoarder, I struggle at times with the same issues. At times I feel like I struggle to make friendships and keep friendships as an adult, because I'm not strong enough to stand on my own and close the door and not let what other people affect how I view myself. 

What I am trying to absorb down to my bones is who I really am, because knowing that will slowly start to build my immunity to what other people do and say. Sure, I'm only human, and you can be hurt by people sometimes, but there's a big difference between being hurt occasionally and having your world ROCKED over the smallest things. When it comes to self esteem, the bible has a LOT to say. 

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Isaiah 43:4 

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

Joshua 1:9 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Ephesians 2:10 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

1 John 4:4 

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

The truth of the matter is, if every single person in my life decided to close their doors and walk away, I'd be ok. If my entire universe as I know it crumbled around me, I'd be ok, because God is with me. I'd never ever be alone because Jesus walks with me always. And the day I get that down into my heart on a cellular level will be the day I learn to finally build my door, and know without a shadow of a doubt when to open it and when to close it. 

Until that day, be patient with me - sometimes I open the door when I should keep it closed, and sometimes I close doors that I really should have opened. I'm still learning how to do life the way God wants me to :) 

Until next time! 

A Message to Tom Shadyac, creator of the most Christian non christian documentary I've seen!

Dear Tom,

My name is Pamela, I'm 32 years old from NSW Australia. I recently picked up a DVD copy of your documentary "I Am" from my local library. At the time I was feeling disillusioned, restless, and frankly like a bit of a lump on a log. I work for Community Services, which basically means day in day out I read, discuss and make decisions on really really bad news - abuse, poverty, neglect, addiction, really tough stuff. I'm proud of my work, but society doesn't always feel the same way. I've been in the industry for some time, and I felt I needed to change it up so I was 2 days away from shifting to housing for a secondment so I could have a bit of a "mind break" when I sat down and watched your documentary.

The other area I've struggled with is my faith. Not that my relationship with God isn't solid, it totally is - it's my faith in humanity that's been shaken. I've been really profoundly hurt by people in the church, and for a long time I've wanted to reengage in a church community but haven't been able to. I've been searching for something I honestly haven't been able to find in other Christians.

I wanted to say thank you for your film. You have in the space of 78 minutes reminded me of the need for connection, of the complete and total dependence I have upon others. You have so clearly demonstrated how we are CREATED for connection and for cooperation. And most importantly you have reminded me that what I do in my day to day job MATTERS because I affect other people. Every action that I do affects others, because we are all created to be connected. You have reminded me in the simplest way that in the moments when I feel most useless I am able to be used for God to make the change I want to see in the world.

Love is really what its all about. In my workplace, in my connection and interaction with other human beings, I have the capacity and the ability to have empathy, compassion and love. In a business that can sometimes feel so cold, so inhumane, I am reminded that WHO I AM cannot be separated from what I do in my work. I AM my greatest tool in my workplace.

I CAN make a difference, one person at a time. I needed that reminder more than you will ever know. I couldn't see the forest for the trees, and I know I was becoming jaded and tired. I know I will watch your film several more times before returning it to my local library, because your message is one that I desperately needed to hear. What you did has mattered to me. And I just wanted to say thank you, not just for reigniting my spirit but also for the people I will help as a result.

With a grateful heart,

Two worlds finally collide!

Ok, so having reached 12 months post op I am finally making my blog related to my weight loss journey a little more "public" - so if you want to read about the other side of my life over the last 12 months you can find it here......

I won't be posting on there as frequently now that I've kind of moved on, but its important for those who know me to know what this journey has been like for me - it's been all consuming, all encompassing and has really changed every single facet of my life. It's opened up a whole new future for us hopefully with children and with lots of activities and good health :)

Fingers crossed anyways!!!!!

Until next time....

Ch...ch....ch....ch......channnges!

So, this week I have one goal - stay positive! No matter what! Now of course, it's not really possible to be a bubble of light all day every day, but in general I just wanted to have a focus that was very much on the positive of things and not on the negative. I wanted to bring to mind every single morning the things I was grateful for, the blessings that God has given me in my life. What I found throughout the week was that by bringing those things to mind first thing in the morning I was more likely to be happy throughout the day - I felt lighter, more resilient, and in general more positive in my frame of mind despite what was going on around me. It was so powerful that I've put in a request to join a facebook group whose goal is to talk about what makes people grateful. It hasn't been approved yet, but I thought it would give me a forum to put a quick message on every single morning about what makes me grateful.

Along with this "internal makeover" I've continued to reflect upon my external changes also. Of course, I'm not even close to my goal, still at the very least around 10kgs away - but it's time to think long term about how to sustain my new life into the future. Exercise will be a massive part of that. Every single day I'm having to challenge my own mental restrictions I have placed around myself when it comes to physical activity. There are so many things that I've written off as being not something I could do - things like skating, bush walking, learning to ride a horse - things that because of my weight I had given up on are now all of a sudden a possibility again. And of course there's the big one - kids. Pregnancy was never an option to me because of my weight. It would be unhealthy and risky for me to fall pregnant at 148.6kgs. But, as the weight comes off, the possibility increases that pregnancy is now possible. And it's certainly something on our minds more and more as time goes by.

I've also been thinking a lot about friends. What makes a friend. Who is a good friend. Who is a bad friend. What does that look like? Along with all the massive changes I've made to my body and to my attitude I've also had to "relearn" appropriate boundaries. I've realised over the last 10 months that I've had a very unhealthy view when it comes to my relationships. I've allowed unhealthy people to have an undue influence on my mental and emotional health. I've allowed friendships that aren't good for me, that suck me dry rather than have a give and take effect, to wrap themselves around my world. This has been a really painful process - I've really struggled to let go of some of these friendships, and the evolution has continued. I've had to reevaluate pretty much everything about who and what I invest myself into and what I've found is that in terms of TRUE friendships, I have basically a handful of people. There's plenty of people in my life who are acquaintances, but when it comes to people who are really there for me there's very few. It's hard not to feel more than a little down about this, but I've tried to instead take it as an opportunity to expand my circle. I've had some gaping holes in my life for quite some time. On Friday night I went to a bible study and realised that one of those holes has been not necessarily CHURCH persay, but having Christian friends I can feel safe with who I can discuss the word of God with. I found that this week, and my heart soared. Another hole has been having friends who WANT to spend time with me. Who make an effort to spend time with me. Who even ASK to spend time with me. The amount of relationships I've had over the last few years who I've wasted time on CHASING them is really disgusting.

*EDIT*

A lovely lady shared this video on facebook today that REALLY explains beautifully what I'm trying to employ in my life regarding my friendships :) Tyler Perry ROCKS!

A dear friend of mine that I had coffee with the other day made an interesting point also. I was telling her how lonely I had been recently with all these friendships shutting down around me, and she said "I live in my bubble with my family and my kids, and apart from a couple of really close friends I dont really have that need much" - now I'm not suggesting I have children as a way of filling a hole in my life, cos I dont believe in children being born with a job, but it was an interesting point. What I'm really craving is relationships, and like it or not having children does provide that. Perhaps what I'm really seeking is not another friend, but instead a family.

The question is, what do I really want and need from my relationships. I'm still trying to figure that out. It's hard for me to make friends at times, so reengaging in church seems like an obvious first step. I think I'm starting to become more aware of what relationships I have that make me feel really good, and I've made a commitment to myself to invest in those relationships and let go of anyone else who make me feel really bad. It really hurts having to do that, but in the long run it's the best thing for me.

Along with all of this, I've also been thinking more about long term the choices I make food wise. When i think about the choices I used to make regarding food my mind is constantly blown - not in terms of volume but in terms of content. I've given up all carbonated drinks, including mineral water or soda water. I've given up fast food. I've given up pretty much all junk food. When I eat, I eat protein, and whole grains, REAL food, veggies and fruits. I still have two small squares of chocolate a day as a treat before bed, but that's included in my caloric count every day. I still have my coffee, and my tea, and I still get to eat real food, including food I really like, but the difference is the foods I LIKE look very different to the foods I used to like. I still get cravings, and I still have to fight against those cravings, but its become a LOT easier. Right now I'm watching a documentary called "fed up" which is about childhood obesity, and it blows my mind how different I feel and think about food. I'm just not entering into the hype anymore. I have a real desire to "clean up my act" even more around foods. I've joined the facebook page for the farmers market, and I want to cook more REAL food and less processed food. I want to drink more water, consume less sugar, and for the first time I believe I CAN do that. I feel like my education has only JUST begun in terms of my long term health and weight.

With all this going on, it's no wonder I'm feeling a bit run down. This weekend I've come down with a cold, and I've been sleeping a LOT - like 10 hours or more both Friday and Saturday night. I'm not even sure 'll make it to work tomorrow, but I do plan on getting a dr's appointment just to make sure if I need time off I can take it. I'm completely and totally committed to looking after myself in all aspects. It's time I started protecting myself because I'm worth it!

Til next time!

Poor ol' Michael Finnegan, Begin again.....

This morning I once again stuck my pinkie toe into shark infested 'church' waters and turned up at a "new" church.

I wish I could adequately convey just how much I hate the whole "new person at church" experience....no, wait, hate isn't even good enough - LOATHE perhaps.....DESPISE possibly....*looks up thesaurus* detest, object, dread, apprehension.....am I getting across even a snippet of how I feel walking into a new church?

This is the one environment where shy doesn't even cover it for me - I want the floor to open up and swallow me every single time. You may think I'm being over dramatic, but it really takes a LOT for me to go to church. This morning I drove around the block about 4 times because I didn't want to go in too early. And so it begins....

Now, let me be clear, I am in NO WAY saying that the problem is with church people themselves - the problem is all mine. The people are always lovely, curious, enquiring, sweet and smiling. I'm not in any way saying they've done anything wrong by being that way, in fact "church 101" would always say that the first thing you do when trying to set up a church is make sure your housekeeping is inviting, warm, genuine, interested - the moves are always the same no matter which church you go to.

Here's my analysis having been to "new" churches a lot - it might give you a bit of a picture as to what I go through each time I step into this environment....

First there's the door way. To me its a gauntlet of terror. There's always at LEAST two different "check points" to get to - clusters of welcomers strategically positioned both outside and inside the door way and specifically chosen as people who are particularly kind, upstanding members of the church. This comes with its own set of questions and introductions and handshakes. "What's your name" "how did you hear about us?" "Are you friends with someone here?" "Are you local?" "Did you just move here or are you visiting?"

The last two questions always fill me with the most dread, and usually illicit a vague "No I've been here a few years, just looking for a home church" which always inspires a slightly puzzled pitying gaze that makes me want to shrink down to the size of an ant and fall through the floor boards.

So, once you've run the front door gauntlet there's always the next phase which I like to call "where the heck do I sit?" - all eyes are on you as you make your way into the church. How big or small the church is really determines how awful this process is - a bigger church you can always sneak in the back and people don't generally notice. Smaller churches it's like being dressed in a gorilla costume walking into a high brow dinner party - talk about sticking out like a sore thumb!!!! This morning it was unfortunately a small church, and most of the back pews already had people in it. I had to walk down to about half way towards the front, and then walk across the middle pew to the other end as there was a handbag on the side closest to the door. This was not good news, as I knew it would be harder to walk out at the end without too many people noticing.

So, you find a seat, you pull our your bible and note book, and no doubt one of the "welcomers" has shoved a pamphlet of some description at you enthusiastically - note to self ALWAYS take it - it gives you something to look at INTENTLY as you wait for church to start in the hopes that no one will approach you! But, inevitably, the congregation has been well schooled in the art of picking out the "new face" in the congregation, and the smaller the church the more noticeable you are. It's only a matter of time before someone comes up to you, or turns around in the pew in front, taps you on the shoulder and welcomes you. Again with the obligatory questions, pitying looks and good christian smiles. Each time there's an akward pause before they go back to whatever they're doing, usually with a "I'll catch you afterwards".

Finally the service starts. You sigh a relief. Singing corporately can sometimes be a minefield if they're not big singers, I stick out like a small thumb there too - but thankfully this church was REALLY into the traditional hymns so no one could really hear me. This particular church was VERY good with the sermon, very bible based, very knowledgeable, and the message on discipleship was really clear and well thought out. There is prayer, and announcements, and I once again breathed a sigh of relief that this particular church didn't ask a show of hands (or worse, a stand up) for all those "new people" who are there for the first time (you may laugh, but my old church used to do that.....aigh aigh aigh!). Then comes the offering.....thankfully the pastor made the age old comment "those visiting please do not feel obligated" although I still had the akward moment when the young boy holding our side's bag pause at my pew and look at me.....shammmmeeeee! If I had brought change, I would have dunked it in (earmarked for coffee or not!) but I nothing. Floor, please swallow me!!!!!

Nearing the end of the service I was tempted to walk out during the last hymn to avoid the "exit" scene of the new church experience but that would have been rude. So i wait for the service to finish and to my horror everyone SITS DOWN, meaning that in order for me to make a fast getaway I have to stand up, walk around the FRONT of the pews and then towards the back with all eyes on me. Before I could get through the door, one of the welcomers stopped me to give me the obligatory "welcome pack" - a white paper bag that might as well have "NON PRACTISING HEATHEN" written on the front for all to see in blinking lights. One of the other welcomers also dashed to the back to invite me to morning tea, which I declined politely before I was able to break out of the front door and step into fresh air, sunshine and freedom.

Again, let me stress, these are MY hang ups - the church was lovely, the people seemed genuine and I felt like I was in a room of people who have a simple, genuine, beautiful faith. I noticed everyone wore their very best clothes to church (something I respect and admire from my Catholic days) and there was no sunday school, yet the children in the church were incredibly well behaved, listening intently. A young man got up to take the offertory and prayed beautifully, and I was really impressed that the teens in the room all seemed to have reverence and respect. The pastor seemed very nice and down to earth, and according to the pamphlet I was given the church gives to a LOT of different missionaries from all over the world. I liked the traditional hymns, there was no "band" but instead just a piano and trumpet, the pastor lead the singing but really the congregation overwhelmed his voice so they really lead themselves. It was a very equal, corporate service and I liked that. I can see myself going back next week even so please dont take my analysis as being in any way negatively reflecting their OH so good intentions.

As a post script, I was very impressed to find a whole block of lindt dark mint chocolate in my welcome pack....Ok.....you have my attention! When they sang "tis so sweet to trust in Jesus" I didn't think they meant literally! ha ha!

Well, I've broken the proverbial ice, and I've once again put myself out there. I have no grant illusions that I wont run away like I have every other time since the horror that was our church experiences in Roma, but I live in hope. You might be wondering why I put myself through it - after all, my status as a Christian is not dependant upon attendance at church every Sunday if you think about it - BUT I do feel that I am really not doing what God wants me to do by missing out on fellowship with other believers. I know I need church, and my struggle I am sure is at least in part because of how much I NEED it - if I find a really great church and plant myself there I can do AMAZING things for God and through God, Satan knows that full well and has done everything he can possibly do to try and keep me away. So I'll give it another sunday service next week, walk the welcoming gauntlet, and hope that the more I go the easier it will become. For those of my friends who are of the Christian persuasion please pray for me that I might find a spiritual home, and that my shyness and hang ups around church will slowly fade as I create a new church history that is positive and real instead of negative. Please pray that the goggles I wear that cause me to see "fake Christians" everywhere get ripped off my head so that I can take people as they are instead of waiting for them to hurt me. Please pray that God's will be done for me. And thank you for reading....

The Ordinary Life....

Today we had our first Choral Society concert of 2015, and as the scholarship winner I got to sing my first ever solo in concert :) My debut went off pretty well, not without its issues (my low notes cracked in places which made me wince!) but in general, the reception and support I recieved was really nice :) I now have two weeks to get my act together before the Eisteddfod, my ultimate opportunity to make a splash, maybe win a category or two, and then compete in the open championships for a trophy and 500 smackeroonies which might I say would come in handy for some jobs around the house!

Walking out of the performing arts centre, an elderly lady complimented me on my singing, and said "you'll go far my dear" - funny, people always say that. It got me thinking about the trajectory of my life. When I was younger, in primary school and early high school people would say that to me all the time. Have you ever noticed how every young person who shows genuine talent for singing, or playing music, or acting, or art, or basically anything is automatically according to those around them destined for great things - broadway, west end, the big leagues, the silver screen etc.....?

Well, I'm now 32 years old, and despite the myriad of compliments I received about being bound for greatness I am now no closer to broadway or west end than I was at the tender age of 16. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing about my life. Things have happened precisely as they should have, and if I had it all to do again I wouldn't change a thing. But it did get me wondering where all those hopes and aspirations that others placed upon my young head will go now that my young head is no longer young? Does the fact that I chose a life, a husband, a house and a simple existence mean that somewhere out there there is a part in some musical gone begging that would have been perfect for me? Have I somehow missed some grand moment of realised potential, some multi million dollar recording contract, some divergent path that I should have taken and never did? And at the end of my life will those around me bemoan the untapped potential of my voice, or celebrate the local concerts I entertained others with?

There's something quiet and unspoken about the ordinary life. When you're "one of the crowd" especially someone without children, no one really celebrates any of your life decisions (other than marriage if you're lucky like me!). There's no album launches, no opening nights, no wrap parties or award nights.

I think a lot about my friend Joseph, who by ANYONE'S standards had one of the most extraordinary male voices I have ever come across both amateur or professional - and who sadly committed suicide a couple of years ago. A great voice silenced without the world knowing its worth, and for what? Now all there is left is speculation of where he MIGHT have gone had he lived. There's nothing else.

Maybe the point of having a gift, any gift, is not that you reach the highest eschalons of that field, but rather that you keep on doing it no matter what and share it with as many people as you possibly can for as long as you can. I'm sure my friend Joseph would have loved to sing one more mass, one more wedding, and not because of the money (when there was money) or for some kind of fame but rather because that's what he loved to do. That's what he was MADE to do. I get it, because that's what I was made to do too. I might win the championship, I might not, in a month's time it won't really matter - at the hour of my death it certainly wont matter. What will matter is the joy I can bring to people by taking any opportunity I can to use my gift. That's why I was given it in the first place.

Until next time,

*Rant Alert* Think Before You Speak...

As you guys would know, there are quite a few things in this world that make my blood boil. Injustice is one of the biggies - it makes me FURIOUS. But there's fast approaching something else that also REALLY gets my goat.

It goes by a few different phrases, but the message is the same.

"Suck it up Princess"
"Take a teaspoon of cement and harden up"
"Build a bridge and get over it"

Ever been told that? I have. Recently in fact. Very recently. And let me tell you, not only does it NOT help, it's actually really hurtful. Let me tell you why.

Perception is reality. Unfortunately this is just the way it is. What is happening both internally and externally for someone is what is happening. YOUR perspective, while it may be valuable to you, means nothing to them in that moment because their perception is THEIR reality. I someone is sitting across from you in tears, even if its over something that you think is trivial and not worth getting upset over, for them it IS worth getting upset over. If it wasn't, they wouldn't be upset. In that moment, that person is in distress. What they need, more than anything, is validation and compassion.

Compassion is a really interesting word. I started looking up bible verses on compassion and I noticed something - often times, when Jesus is faced with people either individually or in a crowd, the bible uses the same phrase  - "and he had compassion on them". Jesus didn't tell them to "suck it up" and heaven knows he could have. After all, Jesus could see where humanity was headed, Jesus could see into the corruption of people's hearts - if there was ANYONE who could have told them to "suck it up" and been qualified to do so, it was Him!! Jesus did get exasperated at times with people as a whole, He did grow tired of the constant pressure upon him to help others, but He never once told people to "suck it up" or "get over it" because Jesus had compassion for what was happening for that person in that moment. 

What is it about telling people to "suck it up" that is so appealing??? Why do we feel we need to adopt an air of superiority and kick someone when they're down?? When did we lose our ability to empathise with others? To an extent, in the work I do at the moment, I can understand that empathy does wane at times - if we empathised with every single person we come in contact with in my job we'd seriously go insane. There's too much suffering, too much pain, too much corruption and its hard not to become overwhelmed! But I would challenge you reading this, or anyone, that perhaps its time we employ a little bit of compassion for those in distress. In that moment, whether you agree with what they're saying or not, they just need someone to look at them in the face and say "it's ok to feel the way you do". Just that validation can start the process of healing. 

It's time to resurrect a little sensitivity to the human condition - we all bleed the same colour after all! It doesn't matter how superior you feel to someone else, it doesn't matter how little you value their situation or how little you identify with their pain, it's THEIR pain not yours. You do not have the right to dismiss someone else's feelings. You do not have the right to grind them into the dirt in that moment. There are other, more constructive ways to help someone see the positives of their situation but first, just employ a little kindness and BE with them in that moment. The truth is, you don't know what else is going on in that person's life. You could be the one person who stands WITH that person in their distress rather than standing over them. The time for bullying people into "pulling themselves up by their bootstraps" is over. There's just too much hardness in this world without needing to add to it. 

And the next time someone tells me to "suck it up princess" - I'll be saying so. It's time to stand up to this attitude and if it has to start with me, then so be it. 

Until next time,