Dark Days....

So, the last couple of weeks have been really hard for me, especially this week. Due to changing roles, having issues with dr's appointments and psychologist appointments and just generally going through stuff my anxiety has shot through the roof and I've been feeling really all over the place. Add that time of the month and you have a recipe for disaster!!

Thankfully, I had enough presence of mind at the beginning of the week to ask for today off in flex, so I've got a small light at the end of the tunnel - I would have slept around eight hours last night, got up at 5am for three hours to finish my assignment and then I slept right through again til 11am - that's how tired I've been! Anxiety disorders are EXHAUSTING! It's been really hard to switch my brain off, and because I've started rehearsals for Phantom late nights are now a necessity rather than an occasional mistake.

So the million dollar question is why. Why do I go through this, and why don't I just let it all go and not worry so much. It's almost like being a drug addict - you hate it but you keep going back over and over and over again because it's all you know to do. Its the way you cope with life and its been that way for so long that changing it seems like a massive mountain to overcome.

But it's not my only mountain.....

My work is challenging - there's no two ways about it. My new boss is challenging. She's fast paced, and abrasive, and incredibly intelligent and sometimes down right abrupt. She flies in and flies out and leaves a trail of destruction wherever she goes. I feel like I've been hit by a train when she fires orders at me and I feel like I'm always on the brink of completely losing the plot. I feel very green, very unprepared and very anxious around her. It's not something I have any illusions will change in the short term. I know it's something I have to learn to manage. How I do that is a bit of a mystery at this point. The nature of my work is hard, but I just think my boss is making it worse. Once I'm more confident in my job I'm sure I wont feel this bad, but the thought of going back to work next week makes me feel ill.

Then there's the weight issues. Again, no illusions about my situation - I'm very very overweight. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it - it's not like you could miss me! My life is so much more stable than it used to me, and it's time for me to do something about it. I dont know what, I dont know how to even start, but I know it has to happen.

Then there's my phantom experience so far which I have to say hasn't been fantastic. I had it in my head that I'd walk in to rehearsals and instantly be surrounded with like minded people who were there to make magic and have a great time doing it. I didn't think the reception I'd get would be quite so cold. It all started on facebook (doesn't it always??) when I tried several times to join the phantom and TMS pages. I thought that I hadn't joined because the "join"  button kept coming up, so I kept trying to join. I then to my horror discovered one night that the director of the show was posting on the page saying I was a spammer! There was all the conjecture about who I was, and ppl getting on there and saying "decline!!!" and it took DAYS before someone said "gee maybe you should message this person perhaps they're real..." by this stage I'd been trying to message the director to go helloooo I'm real, but he never got the messages so at least I emailed the production assistant and the message finally got through. Then rehearsals started, and I've only had two so far but both times I've felt very much alone. I'm a complete wall flower.

Everyone knows everyone and they've all been in hundreds of shows together so me coming in not knowing a soul has been REALLY hard. I hate being a loser. I hate being so NOT confident in myself. I dont feel like I can say anything to anyone - I feel like a complete social retard.

The last few weeks have been really difficult and dissappointing. I have no more psychologist appointments left til next year, so I've had to apply for some through work, but even that is a pain because now I have to start again. At the same time though I feel like I can't really go for long without them because if I do I end up being a basket case at work, and I cant afford that. I have very little sick leave (like, a day or so) very little rec leave (like, a week or so) and I'm using my last full day of flex to have today off. I need to work, I need to be calm, and I need to get a grip.

So....any ideas on how I do that??

Right now I just want to bury my head in the sand.....

and I guess I'll resurface and start again on Tuesday......

Til then!