That's how I feel at the end of this week. I feel like I'm constantly having to bite my lip, constantly having to put on a sweet face and not say exactly what I think but instead be the professional, christian, kind, forgiving, sweet and long suffering wife. I feel like I never have the choice - I have to constantly squash me in order to please everyone else.
It really gets tiring. It's like I have to pick and choose when I get to be myself, and at the end of a long and disappointing week I feel really drained. I'm drained by negativity, I'm drained by bitching and moaning and groaning, from myself as much as from others. I'm drained because my week consists of people drawing from me, wanting wanting wanting and demanding demanding demanding from my time, my energy, my patience, my tolerance and some weeks like this one I get to the end and I just don't have anything to give anymore.
I might regret this, but at the end of this week I feel like posting EXACTLY what I want to think. Here's a few things I wanna say, as unwise and unpopular as they might be.....
- I've had a GUTFUL of negativity.....especially the negativity that goes on in my own head. I can't begin to tell you how sick of myself I am!!!! I'm sick of being suspicious of other people because of the negativity in my own head. I'm sick of listening to negativity, on the news, from other people, I'm sick of feeling down because of the stuff going on in the world.
- I can't apologise anymore. I'm so done with being sorry for who I am. I find myself all day every day saying Í'm sorry, whether it's something I have any control over or not. I try to be humble, I try to be nice, and I end up saying sorry all day long. My stomach and my heart can't take it anymore. Just once I wanna be me, with all my darkness, anger, hurt, pain, and all the good stuff about me and not ONCE be sorry for it. Sometimes I'm lazy, sometimes I'm a pain in the ass, sometimes I'm kooky, sometimes I'm loud (ok most of the time) sometimes I sing and sometimes I'm so hopping mad that I just can't even open my mouth. I'm overweight (but working on it) and I'm obnoxious - and I'm not sorry.
- I'm an awesome friend. Now, not to contravene my previous point where I said I try to be humble, I do, but I wanna just once say, for the record, that I reckon I'm a pretty awesome friend. I adore my friends, and for a long time my friends WERE my only family and when it comes to my nearest and dearest - Liesl, Bennie, Robs - they really are part of my family. I am trying really hard to be more thoughtful, more aware of my friends and more giving to my friends, but I know that deep down I'm a decent person. As a result, I deserve good relationships in return. What I DON'T deserve is fair weather friends who come and go like the wind and who aren't really there when I need them. I deserve to have people in my life who are as interested in what's happening with me as I am with them. I deserve to have people REMEMBER when I'm having life changing surgery. I deserve to have people in my life who don't just talk about themselves all day long. I DESERVE to have people respond when I'm honest about what I need and when I try so hard to respond to the needs of others. I deserve to be remembered. And I hurt when I'm not. It's freaking painful. Just saying.
- I DON'T KISS ASS. Period. And I'm not sorry for that either. People think I don't see whats happening around me because I remain neutral. Newsflash - I see it. I don't care how much office politicking is going on, and I don't care what kind of strings you pull to try and hurt me I WILL NOT play your game. And I wont deteriorate into a tit for tat situation either. Don't expect me to retaliate because I won't. In fact I won't even get mad. I may not glare at you, or ignore you, I might still be nice to you but I don't forget. You think just because I keep the peace I don't see you? Think again!
- I AM NO ONE'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT. Quit asking me where people are!!!!! I don't know! I...DON'T......KNOW. Contrary to most people, I dont stick my nose into other people's business. I mind my own and I actually do my work. People don't report to me when they leave the area so quit asking me.
- Sometimes I hate being nice. Sounds terrible for a Christian person to say, but I really do. Small talk just sometimes !@#$ me off. Sometimes I am just not in a good mood, and at those times i don't WANT to talk about your children, or the weather, or the siege in Sydney, or cricket, or politics, or how much you hurt from doing some highly impressive but OH SO BORING gym regime - it sounds horrible to say it, but there are days when I stand there and smile but inside I'm screaming. I'm sure I do it to others too, and if you said the same thing to me I wouldn't be offended. I'd say sorry, but see point two for further info......
- I'm not superwoman. Seems a little obvious, but I swear some days people think I know everything and can fix everything. I can't. Most days I cannot even fix MYSELF let alone anyone else!!! I don't like being dumped on, I don't like feeling used - try using a little compassion, you might even find you like it.
And finally...
- I can be a BITCH too - and I am often in my head. I just choose not to say it out loud. Please don't turn me into someone I don't want to be. I want to believe there's goodness in this world, and good people, and kindness is not dead - and sometimes that's really hard to believe when the world is so screwed up. Sometimes it's lonely in my world, and sometimes I just need a little grace and a little space to deal with what's going on in my head.
Until next time....
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