No more compromise and no more lies....

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and it's had me thinking about changes. I've been through a lot of change this year, just juggling the 9 different sets of appointments I have to keep track of at any given time is hard enough! It's funny how so many things have stayed the same, but at the same time so many things have changed!

So here I sit at the cusp of another new year. I dont like the idea of resolutions, they're always doomed to failure so I refused to go there. But I do have aspirations and goals for 2015. There will be a lot going on next year - here's just a few things on our books for the new year:

- Mid January: get concretor quote and book the building of our new outdoor area
- 17th January: off to Sydney for the twin's first birthday
- Feb-March: Going to Wicked for my birthday in Brisbane :)
- April: 11 year wedding anniversary, hopefully marked with a bbq in our new outdoor area (please God!)
- Around May: short cruise with Robyn (practice cruise for the big one at the end of the year!)
- Fingers crossed singing lessons (if I get the scholarship!) and Choral society throughout the year
- End of September: 12 months post surgery and hopefully will be at goal weight range
- End of 2015: Cruise to NZ with Robyn :)
- December 2015: Big family Christmas at the Tough's :) the first of many!

I have so many hopes and aspirations for this coming year, I am actually a lot more hopeful for the new year than I have been in a really long time. Here's some of my hopes for 2015:

- I am believing that this year will give me the opportunity to reconnect with myself and with God. I've been floating on the fringes of Church life this year, not really able to commit to anything and not really mentally or emotionally able to immerse myself or be vulnerable enough to commit to a church family. This year I want to change that.
- This year I also want to get stuck into regular therapy to address the mental and emotional issues I have around food. This will form the bulk of the changes I need to adopt for the rest of my life that will ensure permanent weight loss.
- I want to ensure that I remain connected to music in some way, and most likely that will be through Choral society and hopefully the scholarship I have applied for that will allow me to continue vocal lessons at the conservatorium. This is going to be something of great importance to me, not just because I'll be able to continue honing my skills but also it will give me the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends.
- I wont be engaging in formal university study this year, but instead I'll be working through two books - "The Happiness Trap" and "If Not Dieting Then What" - both books have worksheets to work through that will help me identify faulty thinking and habits that are not in line with my goals for weightloss and health.
- I have armed myself with diaries, apps and tools to try and keep track of all my appointments and commitments this year and I am making a commitment to myself that my "yes will be yes" and my "no will be no" when it comes to things like appointments, my gym sessions, and all the rules and regulations that govern my day. These rules include rules around fluid consumption after eating a meal, no take away foods, no high calorie foods (or limited amount) limiting processed foods, benefibre and movicol daily, taking my meds daily and ensuring I pack a lunch every day rather than relying on store bought foods for lunches.
- I will be getting a gym program together that will be followed regularly to ensure that I build strength muscle and tone
- I will have no hesitation in getting rid of any and all relationships that are not healthy for me to have and i am determined that this year I will not be defined by anyone else. This is a bit of a challenge for me as it's a real change in thinking, but I've already started taking steps to ensure that the people who are around right now are people who are supportive of my goals and dreams and who are healthy and moral influences in my life.
- I am keen to engage the "quiet life" after a year of surgeries and doctors appointments - now is the time to settle a little and enjoy the mundane.

Above all else I want a quiet, fulfilling and satisfying 2015 where I learn a new way to live with new habits and with a new focus. It's time to put away my old self and reimmerse myself into things that I love and enjoy and that I value. I'm done wasting time on people who aren't worth it, and I'm done wasting resources on things that wont make my life better. I want this year to be a time of healing, a time of rejuvenation, and a time to rediscover the things that are most important to me.

I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Years, and a fabulous 2015. May you find growth and purpose in a new beginning.

The Annual Goals Blog :)

So every year I do the usual "bucket list" blog post, and every year I check off things that I've done in the last 12 months :) And I will definitely be doing that.

But first, I figured it was about time that I came clean.

For the, like, two people who don't officially know, we had some big stuff happen this year. The first was my ankle surgery which saw me off work for a couple of months and which kind of changed life for a little while.

And the second - I had gastric sleeve surgery.

I didn't want to put it out there officially until I was sure that it had really made a difference, but I'm pleased to say that after 25kgs lost it has made a difference :) My ultimate fear of not losing anything has not been realised, so I'm happy to own it so to speak :)

And now that that is out of the way, here's a recap of last year's list

1. Sing in Country Music Festival
2. Build outdoor area on the back of the house - scheduled for early 2015
3. Start a family
4. Sound system for the loungeroom
5. Start a record collection - Done :) 
6. Buy Brad a playstation 4
7. Go back to NZ and travel the south island - planning a cruise to NZ sometime late 2015
8. Go to Europe
9. Rent a house on the beach for at least 2 weeks :)
10. Get surgery - 29 September 2014
11. Buy a vesper
12. Record an album
13. Finish my masters
14. Become a social worker/counsellor
15. work in ministry
16. Learn how to sew - working on this :) 
17. Do an art workshop
18. exhibit in an art show
19. See snow
20. Build a potting shed art studio on the backyard :)

Its good that I've ticked some of the stuff on my list, but I decided that this year I'm gonna go for a different list. A little less materialistic and a little more focused on living a good life. Here goes....


My Goals List for 2015
1. Reach within my goal range within 12 months from the surgery (aka 29 September 2015)
2. Go bushwalking with Bennie :) 
3. Nurture meaningful and equal friendships throughout 2015
4. Buy clothing from the "regular range" (for want of a better term) 
5. Go to a theme park and go on all the rides without being afraid I wont fit
6. Fly without worrying about the seatbelt or the person next to me
7. Get reengaged in church
8. Go on a cruise to NZ with Robyn 
9. Complete outdoor area
10. Regular exercise
11. Take an art class
12. Get back into singing lessons :) 

Let the goal achieving begin!!! 

The Gambler...

As a child I was one of those kids that was maddeningly hell bent on dreaming away life....my feet could be practically anywhere at any given moment and guaranteed my head would be somewhere completely different. When I wasn't whiling away the hours dreaming of the future I could be spent in front of our stereo pouring over my parents records.

On one such record, Kenny Rogers would sing "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run"

I haven't been very good at knowing when to fold, and nowhere is this more true than in my friendships. Over the years the way I've related to others has always been a bit like holding a bar of soap in the shower....I'd old on for dear life and they'd slip through my fingers! Until Brad, my romantic relationships were much the same I'm afraid....but eventually I learned that I didn't have to hold on so tight anymore, and I calmed down. 

Well, I feel like I've begun doing the same with my friendships as well. On this funny journey I'm on the one thing I didn't expect to happen has happened, and with the one person I least expected it to happen with. 

Ok, I'm talking in riddles...

When I started this, one of my first considerations was my very closest and dearest friend. For her own anonymity lets call her Lucy. Lucy and I were as close as close could be, we have a long history. She had only recently considered her own weight loss surgery options and had mentioned this several times to me during conversations. When I made the decision to have gastric sleeve surgery I was tortured because I didn't want her to think that I had made that decision based upon her consideration of such a surgery - I didn't want her to believe I had done this to somehow steal her thunder, or had done it in any way lightly or without due consideration. I wanted her to know that I had made the decision completely on my own, because I had done so. So I waited for a while before telling her. It was a big deal, a really big deal, and I stressed to her at the time how seriously I was taking it all. I told her then that I would be relying upon her support during the journey and would need my best friend very very much. 

Weeks went by, then months. I didn't hear from her, and apart from the occasional conversation or comment on facebook there was basically silence. I went through ankle surgery, and wanted to make a trip up to Qld to visit all my close friends before I had the gastric sleeve surgery. We made plans to meet, and despite her trying to do the usual trick of pulling out at the last minute, and offering me the alternative of driving an extra 2.5 hours to meet her for breakfast (I was rather insulted and told her in no uncertain terms I wouldn't be doing that just because she wanted to break our plans so she then finally caved and honoured her commitment) we met in Brisbane for coffee and shopping. 

I sat her down and told her how hurt I'd been about her silence and her trying to back out of our plans at the last minute, and I reminded her again of my impending surgery and how much I was going through. I told her that I needed to be a little selfish on my own part for a little while, and that I needed above all else to know that she was going to be there for me. I told her I needed her to really BE there, to be in touch and to be involved. I said "you're either on the support Pam train, or you're not". At the time I got "yeah yeah I totally am" but then by the end of our visit she hugged me and said "now if you don't hear from me for a while don't worry, it doesn't mean I'm a bad friend..." Translation - forget everything you said earlier, here's the truth: you won't hear from me for possibly months and months and I am basically asking for a free pass to ditch you right when you need me the most"

I was heart broken. But I kept believing that she'd at LEAST get in touch before the surgery or at the VERY least on the day of the surgery to check I was still alive. I waited, and waited and waited. I didn't seek her out because I was convinced that eventually I'd hear from her. 

Well you can guess what happened next. The surgery date came and went. I went from the beginning of September ( a text message advising me that she'd put me down as a rental reference and during which I reminded her again of my date and location of the surgery and she said she'd mark it on her calendar) all the way through to 25th of December without so much as a word. On Christmas day I got a "merry christmas" on one of my photos - that was the first word I had received. 

I reflected upon this for a while. Granted I didn't reach out to her at all. I didn't make any contact with her for a couple of reasons. The first was that I was absolutely flat out getting ready for the surgery and working through a lot of CRAP emotionally and mentally that was taking up my energy and time. And the second was because I wanted to give her the opportunity to make an effort knowing how important this was for me. Maybe I should have reached out, but I was hurt and I felt like I had always done the reaching out - it was so important to me that just once I stand back and let things happen rather than squeezing that soap so tight. 

When it didn't happen, I was partially not surprised and partially gutted. I had kept defending her in my head, but I couldn't escape the fact that she plain forgot one of the most important things that had ever happened to me in my life, and after I had reminded her over and over. It also made me realise that I had invested WAY more into our friendship than she had, and that it was time to cut my losses. 

So, two days ago, I folded. For the first time in my life, I let go of needing friendships to define who I am, and I blocked her from my facebook. Not just deleted. Blocked. Totally. The real deal. So far she either hasn't noticed or doesn't care but that's not the point. I didn't do it to be nasty or vindictive. I did it to prove to myself that I don't need ANYONE to validate me. I did it because it was a toxic relationship that continuously hurt me and dissappointed me because she couldn't give me what I needed. It was time to let go and move on because I am ok on my own. 

I wish her well, I truly do. I hope she finds all she wants out of life and that God blesses her abundantly. Perhaps one day we'll reconnect again, and perhaps we wont. Whatever happens will be totally ok. All I know is that 2015 will be the year I require more of those I let into my life because that's what I deserve. And I will no longer settle for anything less than quality friendships that are reciprocal, mutual and equal because I don't need other people to make me worth it. I'm already worth it.

In a way I guess I'm taking a gamble on myself. The difference is, an investment in myself is like holding all the cards at once. I just can't lose. 

What I really wanna say....

Do you ever find having to be socially and politically correct exhausting? Do you ever feel like you're putting so much energy into supressing what you think, what you feel, what you want to tell people that you're just exhausted? Do you ever feel just one jab away from slipping over the edge into a full blown tantrum because you cannot possibly keep your mouth shut anymore?

That's how I feel at the end of this week. I feel like I'm constantly having to bite my lip, constantly having to put on a sweet face and not say exactly what I think but instead be the professional, christian, kind, forgiving, sweet and long suffering wife. I feel like I never have the choice - I have to constantly squash me in order to please everyone else.

It really gets tiring. It's like I have to pick and choose when I get to be myself, and at the end of a long and disappointing week I feel really drained. I'm drained by negativity, I'm drained by bitching and moaning and groaning, from myself as much as from others. I'm drained because my week consists of people drawing from me, wanting wanting wanting and demanding demanding demanding from my time, my energy, my patience, my tolerance and some weeks like this one I get to the end and I just don't have anything to give anymore.

I might regret this, but at the end of this week I feel like posting EXACTLY what I want to think. Here's a few things I wanna say, as unwise and unpopular as they might be.....

- I've had a GUTFUL of negativity.....especially the negativity that goes on in my own head. I can't begin to tell you how sick of myself I am!!!! I'm sick of being suspicious of other people because of the negativity in my own head. I'm sick of listening to negativity, on the news, from other people, I'm sick of feeling down because of the stuff going on in the world.

- I can't apologise anymore. I'm so done with being sorry for who I am. I find myself all day every day saying Í'm sorry, whether it's something I have any control over or not. I try to be humble, I try to be nice, and I end up saying sorry all day long. My stomach and my heart can't take it anymore. Just once I wanna be me, with all my darkness, anger, hurt, pain, and all the good stuff about me and not ONCE be sorry for it. Sometimes I'm lazy, sometimes I'm a pain in the ass, sometimes I'm kooky, sometimes I'm loud (ok  most of the time) sometimes I sing and sometimes I'm so hopping mad that I just can't even open my mouth. I'm overweight (but working on it) and I'm obnoxious - and I'm not sorry.

- I'm an awesome friend. Now, not to contravene my previous point where I said I try to be humble, I do, but I wanna just once say, for the record, that I reckon I'm a pretty awesome friend. I adore my friends, and for a long time my friends WERE my only family and when it comes to my nearest and dearest - Liesl, Bennie, Robs - they really are part of my family. I am trying really hard to be more thoughtful, more aware of my friends and more giving to my friends, but I know that deep down I'm a decent person. As a result, I deserve good relationships in return. What I DON'T deserve is fair weather friends who come and go like the wind and who aren't really there when I need them. I deserve to have people in my life who are as interested in what's happening with me as I am with them. I deserve to have people REMEMBER when I'm having life changing surgery. I deserve to have people in my life who don't just talk about themselves all day long. I DESERVE to have people respond when I'm honest about what I need and when I try so hard to respond to the needs of others. I deserve to be remembered. And I hurt when I'm not. It's freaking painful. Just saying.

- I DON'T KISS ASS. Period. And I'm not sorry for that either. People think I don't see whats happening around me because I remain neutral. Newsflash - I see it. I don't care how much office politicking is going on, and I don't care what kind of strings you pull to try and hurt me I WILL NOT play your game. And I wont deteriorate into a tit for tat situation either. Don't expect me to retaliate because I won't. In fact I won't even get mad. I may not glare at you, or ignore you, I might still be nice to you but I don't forget. You think just because I keep the peace I don't see you? Think again!

- I AM NO ONE'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT. Quit asking me where people are!!!!! I don't know! I...DON'T......KNOW. Contrary to most people, I dont stick my nose into other people's business. I mind my own and I actually do my work. People don't report to me when they leave the area so quit asking me.

- Sometimes I hate being nice. Sounds terrible for a Christian person to say, but I really do. Small talk just sometimes !@#$ me off. Sometimes I am just not in a good mood, and at those times i don't WANT to talk about your children, or the weather, or the siege in Sydney, or cricket, or politics, or how much you hurt from doing some highly impressive but OH SO BORING gym regime - it sounds horrible to say it, but there are days when I stand there and smile but inside I'm screaming. I'm sure I do it to others too, and if you said the same thing to me I wouldn't be offended. I'd say sorry, but see point two for further info......

- I'm not superwoman. Seems a little obvious, but I swear some days people think I know everything and can fix everything. I can't. Most days I cannot even fix MYSELF let alone anyone else!!! I don't like being dumped on, I don't like feeling used - try using a little compassion, you might even find you like it.

And finally...

- I can be a BITCH too - and I am often in my head. I just choose not to say it out loud. Please don't turn me into someone I don't want to be. I want to believe there's goodness in this world, and good people, and kindness is not dead - and sometimes that's really hard to believe when the world is so screwed up. Sometimes it's lonely in my world, and sometimes I just need a little grace and a little space to deal with what's going on in my head.


Until next time....

Where is the Terrorism?

It is easy to watch the news tonight and be saddened, angry and perhaps even a little self righteous the gunman in Sydney tonight.....but consider this. This man is someone's son, could be someone's brother, someone's friend, someone's uncle or even someone's father. He's a human being, same as you and I, and as uncomfortable as it might be to hear - he wasn't born evil.

There's an old saying "evil thrives when good people do nothing" - but its not even as obvious as that. The truth is, evil thrives because WE perpetuate it. This man wasn't born in a vacume - evil starts when we open our mouths to bitch about others (and believe me I'm as guilty as anyone!) Evil thrives when we have a bad attitude about waiting in line. Evil thrives when we don't care about others. Evil thrives when we form little cliques in our workplace and deliberately exclude people. Evil thrives when we are shitty to one another. Evil thrives when we take sides, when we allow bitching to go on ad naseum, and when we only look after our own self interests. Evil thrives when we allow others to run down those who we deem unworthy. Evil thrives when we look down at other people and feel superior - yes, even superior to a terrorist.

Because the truth is - we are ALL terrorists. We tear eachother down, we make other people feel small, we attack those who are weak and those who we "dont like" for whatever reason. We bully and bitch and shove eachother around. We are really really CRAPPY to each other, we cut each other off in traffic, we cut into queues, we are selfish and self centred. This is where terrorism starts. This is where evil starts.

If you want to know why this is happening - look within. That's where it starts. And until we learn to genuinely love each other as children of God, there will always be radicals with guns and there will always be people out there who wish to do you harm. The day it ends will be the day we put down our loaded guns and egos and put other people before ourselves. It will be the day we put down our phones, laptops and tablets and instead invest in each other. It will be the day we learn how to love.

It will be the day we realise that the only true anti terrorism measures worth taking are the ones we take in our own hearts, to ensure that the evil in this world is not perpetuated in us.

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me. Amen