The World between my Ears.....

Tonight on SBS's Insight they're doing a story on Anxiety - see here.

I'll probably tune in, though if there's anyone who knows what it's like to live with anxiety, well it would be me.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Really hard. It's not generally for any particular reason except that I've been struggling with anxiety. That sick, dark, heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hand clutching my throat, the pain in my chest, the throbbing in my head.....its like a weird mixture of feelings that have no room inside me and that I really don't know what to do with. It's almost like I have too many feelings all inside me, all negative ones and all trying to find a way out. And they usually do via my tear ducts!

Sometimes I really wish that other people could know what goes on in my head....things are so chaotic in there sometimes that I wish people could just have a glimpse...then perhaps they wouldn't judge so harshly. I've been raked over the coals lately because when I am struggling I shut down and don't really talk much and I do that because its not fair for me to put my anxieties upon other people. It's the way I cope, I just can't seem to win no matter what I do. If I vent, I'm in trouble, if I don't vent, I'm in trouble. I guess what I've learnt from that is that I've spent my whole life apologising for who I am, and what I am, and the way I cope with what I have going on. No one but me knows what goes on in my head, and I cant even really begin to explain it so how can I expect anyone to really understand. All people see is the shell I live in, they never see what's under the surface. And if the shell cracks....

Well, people react. And often times people react negatively. They see weakness, and fear, and defensiveness, and anger, and irrationality - but what they don't see or experience is the intense pain that is underneath outwards appearances.

Sometimes I just cannot be what I want to be, and especially what other people want me to be. Someone commented to me recently "Pam when you're up, you're really up, but when you're down you're REALLY down" - to which my response was - at the end of the day - I'm not here to make you, or anyone else happy. I am who I am. Yes sometimes I go through ups and downs and yes those are highs and lows in probably equal measure - but I am entitled to the lows as much as everyone. I am entitled to have a bad day. I am entitled to not be "on" all the time. Yes there are days where I feel like death warmed up, when it's hard for me to get out of bed, when I don't feel like smiling, or laughing, or being super helpful. There are days when I need a little grace, and understanding, and patience just like I try to afford to everyone else the rest of the time. And I don't feel like I should have to apologise for having down times because everyone else has them and I'm understanding to them when it happens.

I feel like sometimes people use my vulnerability, my "cracks", my anxiety and depression as a way of throwing personal attacks at me. How dare I not be up all the time! How dare I have vulnerabilities! How dare I not want to offload on other people! And you know what - how dare I not apologise for being me!!

Well you know what? I don't apologise for me being me. I didn't apologise when I was presented with a load of criticism about my "downs" and I don't apologise now. Yes it's something I have to work on, but I think the assumption is that it's somehow self indulgent, selfish even, to not be "up" all the time. Do you really think it's fun for me?? Do people really believe that when you're down and out that it's somehow enjoyable??

Let me let you in on a little secret....it's not! It sucks! I dont like being this way but I am what I am.

And I'm not sorry anymore.

Until next time,