The World between my Ears.....

Tonight on SBS's Insight they're doing a story on Anxiety - see here.

I'll probably tune in, though if there's anyone who knows what it's like to live with anxiety, well it would be me.

The last couple of weeks have been hard. Really hard. It's not generally for any particular reason except that I've been struggling with anxiety. That sick, dark, heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hand clutching my throat, the pain in my chest, the throbbing in my head.....its like a weird mixture of feelings that have no room inside me and that I really don't know what to do with. It's almost like I have too many feelings all inside me, all negative ones and all trying to find a way out. And they usually do via my tear ducts!

Sometimes I really wish that other people could know what goes on in my head....things are so chaotic in there sometimes that I wish people could just have a glimpse...then perhaps they wouldn't judge so harshly. I've been raked over the coals lately because when I am struggling I shut down and don't really talk much and I do that because its not fair for me to put my anxieties upon other people. It's the way I cope, I just can't seem to win no matter what I do. If I vent, I'm in trouble, if I don't vent, I'm in trouble. I guess what I've learnt from that is that I've spent my whole life apologising for who I am, and what I am, and the way I cope with what I have going on. No one but me knows what goes on in my head, and I cant even really begin to explain it so how can I expect anyone to really understand. All people see is the shell I live in, they never see what's under the surface. And if the shell cracks....

Well, people react. And often times people react negatively. They see weakness, and fear, and defensiveness, and anger, and irrationality - but what they don't see or experience is the intense pain that is underneath outwards appearances.

Sometimes I just cannot be what I want to be, and especially what other people want me to be. Someone commented to me recently "Pam when you're up, you're really up, but when you're down you're REALLY down" - to which my response was - at the end of the day - I'm not here to make you, or anyone else happy. I am who I am. Yes sometimes I go through ups and downs and yes those are highs and lows in probably equal measure - but I am entitled to the lows as much as everyone. I am entitled to have a bad day. I am entitled to not be "on" all the time. Yes there are days where I feel like death warmed up, when it's hard for me to get out of bed, when I don't feel like smiling, or laughing, or being super helpful. There are days when I need a little grace, and understanding, and patience just like I try to afford to everyone else the rest of the time. And I don't feel like I should have to apologise for having down times because everyone else has them and I'm understanding to them when it happens.

I feel like sometimes people use my vulnerability, my "cracks", my anxiety and depression as a way of throwing personal attacks at me. How dare I not be up all the time! How dare I have vulnerabilities! How dare I not want to offload on other people! And you know what - how dare I not apologise for being me!!

Well you know what? I don't apologise for me being me. I didn't apologise when I was presented with a load of criticism about my "downs" and I don't apologise now. Yes it's something I have to work on, but I think the assumption is that it's somehow self indulgent, selfish even, to not be "up" all the time. Do you really think it's fun for me?? Do people really believe that when you're down and out that it's somehow enjoyable??

Let me let you in on a little secret....it's not! It sucks! I dont like being this way but I am what I am.

And I'm not sorry anymore.

Until next time,

The Sleeved Life....

So, the last couple of weeks have been really full on work wise, but I'm pleased to say that my outlook on things have improved somewhat. Its been hard to push myself into all these changes, changes in eating, exercising, recording everything, trying to get enough fluids, tracking everything, plus then work went absolutely ballistic - and to top it all off I got ambushed at work 5 minus before I had my first psychologist appointment and I spent hte majority of my first appointment bawling my eyes out to this woman I dont even know and whinging about work - not exactly what I wanted to be doing. I WANTED to be talking about my surgery and food issues, but instead there I was having a sooky sooky la la because I felt like I'd been bullied at work. Ahh the best laid plans.....

I've also made a decision to not look at the scales - I mean at ALL. I get weighed at the dietician and I let him record it and that's it. I told him I dont want to know - if there's a problem I'm sure he'll tell me, but until then I'm just not going to look at the numbers because every time I do I get depressed and end up in tears. There's been a LOT of tears lately I'm afraid.

But I did learn something about myself lately. I learned that I dont have to apologise for who I am anymore. Yeah, I have faults (shocking I know) and yes I'm loud and emotional, and I run hot and cold sometimes because I have an anxiety disorder to content with, I get overwhelmed, I drop the balls occasionally, and I can be selfish. But I am also kind, and soft hearted, and forgiving. I am strong in ways I didn't even realise. I have insight, I can be empathetic towards other people and put myself in their shoes, and I have something valuable to contribute. I am starting to lose weight, and it's starting to show - people are noticing and I am starting to gain a little onfidence in myself as someone who is worth knowing.

I'm not getting a big head or anything, after all there's a lot about me that's hard to swallow at times. But when I was confronted with someone very forceful laying out what they thought was wrong with me I was tempted to take it on board....but eventually I realised (after a few tears) that if she has a problem with me, and who I am - that's HER problem not mine. And all of a sudden, things fell into perspective. I dont have to apologise, I have nothing to apologise for. You either accept me for me, or move it along. I deserve nothing less.

I haven't been to the gym at all this week cept for Sunday and I know that's got to change. I'm working on a long list of things I want to change in my life, to make it easier for me to be healthy and adopt good habits. I am only now starting to fully wrap my head around food, and I still at this stage feel like I have very limited options as to what I can eat. I'm sure that will change in time, just right now I still have to be very careful and be sure to stop when I'm getting full. That's sometimes really hard to judge, but I'm getting better.

So, dont ask me what I weigh, I dont have a clue. Dont ask me what my measurements are I haven't taken them in ages. All I know is that I'm starting to get rid of clothes, favourite clothes, clothes that used to fit just fine, and I've had lots of people say that I'm losing weight. I can even see it myself in some photos. I know I'm doing the right things, and I'm trying really hard to adopt a better lifestyle. That's all I can really do at this point.

As for the rest.....if you build it, it will come....

Food Diary

I've been really slack lately and I haven't been taking pics of my food lately....but here's what I had today

A few glasses of cordial
1/2 sugar free powerade
1/2 cup tuna casserole
1/2 a seafood salad wrap (wholegrain tortilla bread cut in half, wrapped around shredded baby spinach, cubed cucumber, cherry tomatos, spanish onion, sliced seafood flakes and diced prawns with low fat mayo and a little chilli mayo and thousand island dressing for a kick)
1 cheese stick
1 skim milk coffee with 1 square organic dark chocoate
bbq chicken meat, one slice of baked potato and a few bits of some steamed veggies

I'm always amazed when I type it out, cos it looks like a lot, but in reality its incredible how little I live on these days and how small my portions are to keep me satisfied. There's something incredibly satisfying about stopping a meal only a few bites in and realising I'm full - I actually really enjoy that. I really dont need very much at all to feel full, and any time I get worried I'm eating too much all it takes is a few bits for me to realise that i'm already full!

On the exercise front I'm trying all sorts of different things to see what works for me. Last week I did a boxing class and was in a world of hurt the next day - wont be trying that again until I'm a bit further along! I went to my second aqua zumba class today, and this coming week I'll be trying body balance and body pump along with a coupe of days of cardio. I am seeing my doctor a week from Monday and I'll ask him for a referral to a sports physiologist to develop a weights program for me to do alongside the cardio. Basically what I'm aiming for at this stage of the game is consistent exercise across a range of disciplines to help with overall strength, endurance, weight loss and toning. I figure if I stick with activities I enjoy then I'm more likely to keep doing them and less likely to slacken off or make excuses. At least thats the plan.

So here's my plan for tomorrow:

30 mins cardio in the am
mango protein shake for breakfast
yogurt and fruit for morning tea
Chinese chicken and vegetables for lunch
cheese stick in the afternoon
Chicken and veg for dinner

Of course, the best laid plans and all that!

Food Diary Entry

So, day two of me tracking everything and I'm pleased to say I've once again had a successful day - I haven't felt uncomfortable or sick at all today although I haven't really had my three normal meals I'd have usually - i went for a long stretch without eating anything!

Here's a break down :)

I piece of cheese before I hit Aqua Zumba - 9.15am

250 mls water

11.30am 1/2 instant coffee with a little milk and 1 sugar

3.30pm icy pole

5pm 1/2 cup spicy prawn salad (baby spinach tomato cucumber fetta cheese prawns thousand island dressing and chilli mayo)

250mls diet iced tea

7.45pm steak bacon and potato chunky soup - did not finish

This is what was left....

1 small skim milk coffee with sugar and 1 square of organic dark chocolate 9:30

And a gratuitious kitty shot......

Just cos I can.....

Food Diary Entry....

So, this week has been really really hard, and I wont go into details as to why. But, to combat my struggles, I thought occasionally I would post a food diary entry to give an idea about what I'm eating - it will also help me when I go to the nutritionist :)

So here's todays :)

250 mls water

10:00am
1 Small skinny latte
1 stiny sliver of watermelon fudge

12:00-2:30pm - 1 glass of diet iced tea

12:30pm
1 Vegetable pattie (cheese stick pictured but not eaten)

3:38pm-4:00pm
2 Cheerios skinned and 2 tsps of potato salad

5pm cheese stick

6.30 1 glass of sarsparella cordial

8.20pm 4 potato wedges

9.00 1 icy pole


It seems like a lot when you write it down on paper, but by no means have I felt once today like I've eaten too much, or been overfull, or even eaten too quickly. I finally feel like today I got it right, I'm just hoping I can keep it up! My only criticism is there's probably too many carbs and not enough protein - I had planned on having fish for dinner but unfortunately my stomach has had a bit of a melt down and I just couldn't handle it. Tomorrow I'm sure will be better :)

My Treadmill Tunes

Ok so I've been compiling a list of songs with a good beat for walking on the treadmill since I'm going to be doing a lot of that :) Here's what I have so far :)

Get Lucky - Daft Punk
Live your life - Mika
Stronger - Kelly Clarkson
One step at a Time - Jordan Sparks
Only wanna be with You - Hootie and the Blowfish
Little Miss Can't be Wrong - Spin Doctors
Happy - Pharell Williams
Shake it Off - Taylor Swift
I Smile - Kirk Franklin
Two Princes - Spin Doctors
I Want you Back - Jackson 5
Labels or Love - Jennifer Hudson
New York New York - Ryan Adams
Problem - Ariana Grande
Raise Your Glass - Pink
All Dressed in Love - Jennifer Hudson
ABC - Jackson 5
Bootylicious - Destiny's Child
Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson
Today My Life Begins - Bruno Mars
Blame it on the Boogie - Michael Jackson
Black or White - Michael Jackson
Don't Stop til you Get Enough - Michael Jackson
In the End - Linkin Park
Beat It - Michael Jackson
Wanna be Startin Something - Michael Jackson
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park
Troublemaker - Olly Murs
For Once In my Life - Stevie Wonder
All About the Bass - Meghan Trainor
Live Louder - Nathaniel
Eye of the Tiger - Scorpions
Signed Sealed Delivered (I'm Yours) - Stevie Wonder
Yeah - Usher
G.R.L - Ugly Heart

The other song I briefly considered was Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj - Bang Bang but I just couldn't bring myself to do it on principle! 

I probably should note that this is by no means a collection of my favourite songs - you'll note there's no Garth Brooks on there so it's just not possible! This is only a collection of my treadmill friendly songs!! :) 

Happy treadmill trails! 

Halloween Scare *graphic warning - if your stomach turns easily you may not want to read this*

So, yesterday was the incredibly evil celebration of Halloween - I have very strong views on this particular tradition, much like I do on Santa (lets just say being able to spell Satan using the same letters is not coincidence!) - anyways, the neighbourhood kids were all ghouled up as per the american tradition of trick or treating and meanwhile I was recovering from a scare of my own....

I made a very crucial mistake. I ate lunch (a tiny piece of fish and a few soft oven cooked potato pieces) at my desk and kind of forgot that I'm a sleever. At first it was just a little uncomfortable, and I figured perhaps I'd eaten too much (I really hadnt, but that was my initial reaction...)

Then the pain really kicked in, and I began to panic. The day before I'd done something similar but after a few minutes it passed, so I waited. And waited. And waited. But nothing. No movement, no relief, nothing. I didn't know what to do. My nose started to run uncontrollably and crap started pouring down the back of my throat. It felt like my whole lunch was stuck inside my chest and I could barely breathe. My colleague suggested I go for a walk, so up I get and off I toddle down the hallway trying to smile and look normal while feeling like I had a baseball lodged in my chest.

I made it as far as the bathroom before realising I should probably go in - just in case. I paced around for a while, clutching at my chest and praying not to throw up. Just before I decided to go back out I lent over the toilet and.....

Well, it wasn't really throwing up per say, cos there was no food in it. It was all the crap that had gone down the back of my throat. I found out later that there's a word for this phenomena....it is.....


Wait for it.....


SLIMING. Yup, akin to the little green blob from Ghostbusters! LOL This was pointed out to me by my beautiful mate and I did some research and yup that's what happened - text book sliming. And it really is as gross as it sounds.

I felt a bit better so I went back to my desk, but in a moment I was heading back to the bathroom and there I go again for a second round.....uuugghhh.

It occurred to me soon after that having these kinds of episodes would be very damaging to my new stomach, so I vowed then and there that I'd never eat a meal at my desk again - I just cannot risk stretching my new stomach and undoing all my good work!!! So today I've been eating extremely slowly, even my snacks, being very careful to listen to my stomach and not over eat (not that I think I did yesterday but just to make sure).

My goal for this week was to go to the gym every week day and walk on the treadmill - I managed 4/5 days because of the aforementioned episode...my stomach hadn't quite settled by the end of my work day and I figured the best thing to do would be to go home and rest a little. Which I'm pleased to say I did :)

So, there you have it - lesson learnt. Sometimes the scariest things are not outside your front door, but rather the old habits and tendencies we have already in our own heads!