My apologies for my silence of late - I realise I haven't been blogging much, I do have my reasons which one day will be revealed :) for now lets just say I'm working on a separate project which I will share with everyone when I'm ready. For now I want to talk about inspiration...
See, lately I've been attempting to delve more into myself, to try and examine objectively my motivations for why I do what I do. The human condition does not exactly lend itself to simplicity.....we are, by our very nature, complex beings. We're made up of a million moments, a billion tiny seconds of experiences, influences, information, teachable moments, lessons and mistakes. It is a daunting task to look inside yourself and try to extract all of those tiny moments from the essential core of my being - the question "who am I?" might seem cheesy but it's actually a really important one, especially if you want to create any kind of lasting change in your life.
According to Dr Phil, one way to figure out some kind of answer to this question is to identify certain factors in your life. These are 10 defining moments, 7 critical choices and 5 pivotal people (Dr McGraw just LOVES putting numbers and lists in his books - how he comes up with the numbers is beyond me!). While I'm not 100% on board with some of his methods, in this case I'm going to take a moment to humour the theory.....
10 Defining Moments
1. When I was 7 years old, my father beat me with a black polythene pipe - I'd cracked my grandmother's vase playing with my cousins in her house. It was the first time I was seriously hurt by my father's hand, but not the first time I was afraid of him. I guess this was just the first time that my fears were realised. I knew then that to him I was not good enough, and I would never be good enough.
2. When I was 11 years old my parents split up and I lost my mother - my view of her has never been the same and in turn, my view of myself has never been the same.
3. When I was 15 years old I went to boarding school - and I learned I was able to do things on my own and that independence was possible without my parents.
4. When I was 19 years old my stepmother tried to kill herself and I realised for the first time that I had to get away from my family or else I'd try to kill myself too.
5. When I was 21 years old I married my wonderful husband and I began a whole new life. He taught me how to love, how to put another's needs above my own, and most importantly that I was worthy of being loved for just who I am.
6. When I was 21 years old I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and it completely changed who I am. I gained a strong foundation with which to live the rest of my life, and I discovered my real worth - through Christ. I also became a member of a family of believers.
7. When I was 24 years old my mother tracked me down, and I learned that not all my history was bad, and not everything my father told me was the truth - in fact most of it was a lie. I also learned that some of the qualities I both value and hate come from my parents - much more than I ever imagined.
8. When I was 26 years old I graduated university with a Bachelor's degree, and I learned that I can actually FINISH what I start and that I have the strength and capability to achieve my dreams.
9. When I was 30 years old my husband and I moved to Tamworth and bought a home, and for the first time in my entire life I had completely stopped striving for anything other than what I have. I found stability and I could finally put down roots.
10. 29 September 2014 - To Be Announced!
7 Critical Choices
1. I chose Jesus - this has to be the number one critical choice in my life because by it all other choices have been defined since.
2. I chose my husband as my family - when I married my husband I didn't realise that I'd soon have to lose the last members of my family. But I did because I was presented with a clear choice - it was one or the other and I chose him. I've never ever made a better choice than that!
3. I chose to leave boarding school - I wish I hadn't, and if I had to say I had a big life changing regret that would be a biggie. Leaving boarding school meant that I came home to a very broken house, and I spent another 12 months of abuse. Who knows where I'd be had I stayed away.
4. I chose my career - and that's been a double edged sword for me. On the one hand it's given me a stable income, a way of using my degree to better families including my own, and something to do everyday. I enjoy a lot of privileges because of my job, but I have also had a lot of heartache, pain and mental health issues as a result.
5. I chose not to speak - I chose not to speak up about what was happening to me, I dont know whether I would be in a better place now if I had, or whether I would have been a victim of the foster care system....I'll never know.
6. I chose health - I've had to make some choices lately regarding my health, and one really big one that I wont go into here. Let's just say it has the potential to make a huge difference in my life.
7. I chose to walk away - I chose to get rid of all the influences in my life that were hurting me - all of the family members who were unhealthy for me. It was so hard, but I know the boundaries I have in place are necessary, not just for my health and sanity but for my husband and for those I love.
5 Pivotal People
1. My husband - my rock, my best friend in the whole world, my joy and my lover. He chose me out of anyone on this planet to be his for life, and in that I found my very first sense of security and worth.
2. Jesus - both person and God, He is where my ultimate value and self esteem come from. I am valuable because of what He sees in me, because He died for me.
3. My father - I love him and I loathe him, but like it or not there are a lot of things about me, both good and bad, that have been shaped because of him.
4. My highschool best friend - I wont name names because we're not friends any more, but she left an irreversable print on who I am. She got me through the worst time in my life, and losing her friendship was by far the most painful break in a friendship I've ever experienced.
5. My grandmother - I have never ever experienced more love and more devotion than she had to me growing up. I miss her but unfortunately cannot have a relationship with her.
The trail of broken relationships is pretty evident from all of this!!
But there is another way for me to look at myself and quantify my experiences. God has a plan for me and for my life:
Jeremiah 1:5 - “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”
Ephesians 1:11 - "In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will"
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."
Whatever my past, God has a plan for my future: and wherever I am in one year, two years, 10 years, 40 years from now, it will be because God purposed it that way. My job is to commit my past to Him, exist in Him in the present and entrust Him with my future. The rest will fall into place :)
Until next time.....
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