It's Not Ok!

So today I did something that's made me really proud of myself. A very dear close friend of mine has over a period of time has become distant and several times has really let me down when I've needed them, and today they did so again. In the past I've basically just stewed over it, fretted over it, let the anger and the disappointment eat me up from the inside out and just shut myself off. But today I did something different.

Today I said in big bold letters - ITS NOT OK!

Ok so thats not exactly what I said, but that was the message. I didn't do it in a nasty way, and I phrased things in a very constructive way ie. I feel....I need to tell you that......I am upset......this is disappointing to me because.....

I WAS upset, it didnt change my level of anger or frustration, and it certainly didn't change the emotional reaction - that was exactly the same. But what did change was that for the first time I set an appropriate boundary. I let the person know that I wasn't a door mat, and that I wasn't beyond standing up for myself and expecting more from people. I don't deserve to be second all the time, and for the first time I got angry enough and confident enough to say so.

The result was good and we were able to resolve the issue. I dont pretend to sit here and say that I'm not still a bit angry about it, but they have apologised and I accepted that apology so I'll be moving on from it.

What does this have to do with my gastric sleeve surgery? Well, a lot actually. I've realised that in order for me to get through this I need to surround myself with supportive people who will really BE there for me - who will support me and walk the journey with me. I need to be with people who I can rely upon, who I can call on and know that they'll be a positive supportive influence in my life. It's not just a good thing for me to put together, it's absolutely ESSENTIAL for my success.

Today was the first step in me re-claiming myself - for most of my life I was beaten down, both physically and emotionally, and I was taught that I was not ok. But the truth is, I AM ok. I am ok right now in this moment today. Whether I lose one gram or not, I am ok and I am worth standing up for. The value I place into myself from here on in will be a defining factor in my success through this journey - I am worth investing money, time, and effort into - I am worth those things from others and from myself. Because lets face it, the number one cheerleader in my corner needs to be myself :) if I dont believe in me, how can I expect anyone else to?

Best Photo EVER

OMG I am totally in love with this photo taken at a friend's 30 year wedding anniversary recently!!!!!!!!!!

I love it because it reminds me of the wonderful whacky sense of humour that I and my husband have in our marriage :) :) I'm so grateful for that  - it's the stuff that gets us through all the rubbish that life can deal out sometimes :)

Here's to a life full of giggles :)

The Food Issue....

So, obviously when it comes to gastric sleeve surgery the biggest lifestyle change that happens is food - our relationship with it, the way we cook it, what types of food we choose, mourning the loss of it and then slowly gaining it back just in a different way.

To that end, I thought it was time to begin a food diary component of my blog. The purpose of this will be accountability but also I'll be able to look back at my "pre surgery" diet and see the differences pre and post op. I think it also helps to write down what we eat, because only then do you become mindful of what's actually going into your mouth - there's something really powerful about writing (or in this case typing) things down.

I'll give a full breakdown of my eating tonight (it's morning here atm) but this morning I got up and for the first time I made a smoothie rather than cook something for breakfast. My smoothie consisted of a banana, about 5 strawberries, a couple of tablespoons of flax meal, a little skim milk and 3 tablespoons of yogurt and ice - I couldn't finish it all! It was too thick, so I'm going to have to experiment with different things to figure out what I really like.

Full run down tonight peeps :)

Going to Ground....

There's an old saying that reads "hurt people hurt people" - and sometimes the person that gets most hurt is yourself. Today was a complete and total rollercoaster of a day with the full gammet of emotions. I didn't go to church and perhaps that was my first mistake....the first sign of me isolating myself because of the stress and anxiety I have going on right now.

I got up and frantically got started on cleaning out my garage - it took a few hours to do, and at the end of it I had my art studio back, I found somewhere neat to put the BBQ, and I had a car FULL of rubbish to take to the tip. It felt amazing going to the dump and throwing out all that stuff - I get such a high from purging stuff much like a drug addict gets high on their drug of choice. But by the time I got home and jumped on my computer that all changed.

I went on the forums where I had been doing a lot of research on my surgery, and I got upset over a post. So silly really considering I only have met one person from that forum in real life, so who cares really right? But here I was getting very upset and what I SHOULD have done is take a break, go do something silly, play a game or read or relax somehow.

Instead, my tied up, anxious, panicked fearful self decided I wanted to sew something....and somewhere between having a full blown panic attack and then screaming like a God-awful banshee at my sewing machine I realised I had made a mistake.

Ok, so perhaps I'm a little more messed up than I initially thought.

I have learned one thing however that I thought was interesting. Brad at one point while trying to calm me down pointed out that the key to my problem was that I needed to take all that fear, all that anxiety and channel it instead into determination that no matter what happens, no matter how things go over the next few months, I would follow every single instruction and I would make this work - that's all I have to do. Thinking like that does making me feel a little better because it simplifies things for me. It's like the Nike ad - JUST DO IT.

It's really the head "stuff" that scares me. I fear my own emotions. I am afraid of my own mental processes - I guess most of all I fear the abyss because I've been there before. The only thing I am hanging on to at this stage is that losing weight CAN improve depression and anxiety, especially since I will be exercising every day and getting all those endorphins flowing. I know what I have to do, and I know where to turn for help. Food cannot be my "be all and end all" anymore - I have to relearn how to live my life, and I wont really KNOW what that's going to look like until I actually do it. And that's perhaps the hardest thing to try and cope with right now.

Who Am I?

Hello everyone :)

My apologies for my silence of late - I realise I haven't been blogging much, I do have my reasons which one day will be revealed :) for now lets just say I'm working on a separate project which I will share with everyone when I'm ready. For now I want to talk about inspiration...

See, lately I've been attempting to delve more into myself, to try and examine objectively my motivations for why I do what I do. The human condition does not exactly lend itself to simplicity.....we are, by our very nature, complex beings. We're made up of a million moments, a billion tiny seconds of experiences, influences, information, teachable moments, lessons and mistakes. It is a daunting task to look inside yourself and try to extract all of those tiny moments from the essential core of my being - the question "who am I?" might seem cheesy but it's actually a really important one, especially if you want to create any kind of lasting change in your life.

According to Dr Phil, one way to figure out some kind of answer to this question is to identify certain factors in your life. These are 10 defining moments, 7 critical choices and 5 pivotal people (Dr McGraw just LOVES putting numbers and lists in his books - how he comes up with the numbers is beyond me!). While I'm not 100% on board with some of his methods, in this case I'm going to take a moment to humour the theory.....

10 Defining Moments 
1. When I was 7 years old, my father beat me with a black polythene pipe - I'd cracked my grandmother's vase playing with my cousins in her house. It was the first time I was seriously hurt by my father's hand, but not the first time I was afraid of him. I guess this was just the first time that my fears were realised. I knew then that to him I was not good enough, and I would never be good enough.
2. When I was 11 years old my parents split up and I lost my mother - my view of her has never been the same and in turn, my view of myself has never been the same.
3. When I was 15 years old I went to boarding school - and I learned I was able to do things on my own and that independence was possible without my parents.
4. When I was 19 years old my stepmother tried to kill herself and I realised for the first time that I had to get away from my family or else I'd try to kill myself too.
5. When I was 21 years old I married my wonderful husband and I began a whole new life. He taught me how to love, how to put another's needs above my own, and most importantly that I was worthy of being loved for just who I am.
6. When I was 21 years old I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and it completely changed who I am. I gained a strong foundation with which to live the rest of my life, and I discovered my real worth - through Christ. I also became a member of a family of believers.
7. When I was 24 years old my mother tracked me down, and I learned that not all my history was bad, and not everything my father told me was the truth - in fact most of it was a lie. I also learned that some of the qualities I both value and hate come from my parents - much more than I ever imagined.
8. When I was 26 years old I graduated university with a Bachelor's degree, and I learned that I can actually FINISH what I start and that I have the strength and capability to achieve my dreams.
9. When I was 30 years old my husband and I moved to Tamworth and bought a home, and for the first time in my entire life I had completely stopped striving for anything other than what I have. I found stability and I could finally put down roots.
10. 29 September 2014 - To Be Announced!

7 Critical Choices 
1. I chose Jesus - this has to be the number one critical choice in my life because by it all other choices have been defined since.
2. I chose my husband as my family - when I married my husband I didn't realise that I'd soon have to lose the last members of my family. But I did because I was presented with a clear choice - it was one or the other and I chose him. I've never ever made a better choice than that!
3. I chose to leave boarding school - I wish I hadn't, and if I had to say I had a big life changing regret that would be a biggie. Leaving boarding school meant that I came home to a very broken house, and I spent another 12 months of abuse. Who knows where I'd be had I stayed away.
4. I chose my career - and that's been a double edged sword for me. On the one hand it's given me a stable income, a way of using my degree to better families including my own, and something to do everyday. I enjoy a lot of privileges because of my job, but I have also had a lot of heartache, pain and mental health issues as a result.
5. I chose not to speak - I chose not to speak up about what was happening to me, I dont know whether I would be in a better place now if I had, or whether I would have been a victim of the foster care system....I'll never know.
6. I chose health - I've had to make some choices lately regarding my health, and one really big one that I wont go into here. Let's just say it has the potential to make a huge difference in my life.
7. I chose to walk away - I chose to get rid of all the influences in my life that were hurting me - all of the family members who were unhealthy for me. It was so hard, but I know the boundaries I have in place are necessary, not just for my health and sanity but for my husband and for those I love.

5 Pivotal People 
1. My husband  - my rock, my best friend in the whole world, my joy and my lover. He chose me out of anyone on this planet to be his for life, and in that I found my very first sense of security and worth.
2. Jesus - both person and God, He is where my ultimate value and self esteem come from. I am valuable because of what He sees in me, because He died for me.
3. My father - I love him and I loathe him, but like it or not there are a lot of things about me, both good and bad, that have been shaped because of him.
4. My highschool best friend - I wont name names because we're not friends any more, but she left an irreversable print on who I am. She got me through the worst time in my life, and losing her friendship was by far the most painful break in a friendship I've ever experienced.
5. My grandmother - I have never ever experienced more love and more devotion than she had to me growing up. I miss her but unfortunately cannot have a relationship with her.

The trail of broken relationships is pretty evident from all of this!!

But there is another way for me to look at myself and quantify my experiences. God has a plan for me and for my life:

Jeremiah 1:5 - “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

Ephesians 1:11 - "In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will"

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

Whatever my past, God has a plan for my future: and wherever I am in one year, two years, 10 years, 40 years from now, it will be because God purposed it that way. My job is to commit my past to Him, exist in Him in the present and entrust Him with my future. The rest will fall into place :) 

Until next time.....

Prayer of a Future Sleever..........

Dear Lord,

When I was born, you knew exactly what I would look like. You knew every hair on my head. You had a purpose for me, and you loved me before I was even conceived. You chose the exact day, date, time and place of my birth. You chose my parents, my family, my siblings. You knew who I would be. I have value not because of what I am, but because you are my creator. 

But something went wrong.....

Somewhere a long the line, I became broken. I was eaten away by the acid of a broken, evil world. It started with a father who feared having a fat child and created exactly what he feared. My grandmother who over compensated for my abuse by giving me food. The kids at school who bullied the fat kid instead of befriending her and giving her a place to be herself. The stepmother who watched a teenager be ridiculed, abused, hit, pushed, shoved, threatened, belittled and verbally assaulted and did nothing. The brother who was taught to join in the abuse and who didn't know any better. The school friends who knew something was wrong but didn't know what to do about it. The teachers who suspected but never reported. The string of flings who told me what I wanted to hear even just for a short time. 

And finally, it starts and ends with me. At the end of my days when I stand before your throne, none of the rest will matter. The only thing that will matter is what I did with the time you gave me. And the truth is, til now, I've wasted that time on things that will fade. I've stuffed my face with bad food because it makes me feel good in the moment. It numbs the pain. It shuts off the voices in my head that tell me how ugly, useless and awful I am. It makes me happy and stops me from feeling anger and hurt. I haven't been living my best life, I know that. You didn't create me to be this way, and I know that the tears I am crying now you cry with me. 

So, I'm heeding the words that may have in the flesh come from my surgeon but really have come from you. I got it. I get that if something doesn't change, my life will be over all too soon. I won't have children to love and to raise as you would have me do. I won't be able to share my voice with larger audiences and revel in the gift you gave me. I won't see the wonder and magic of nature that you created for me because I won't be physically able to walk there. I won't travel, serve, and give the way you want me to because of the limitations my obesity places upon me. I get it. Really I do. 

But God, I'm really really scared. My whole life losing weight has been a mountain too hard to climb and now I face an even bigger mountain with this surgery. And it's not even the surgery that scares me, not really - it's what comes afterwards. I know there's a very real possibility of me relapsing and I just cannot afford to do that. This must work. No ifs buts or maybes. But I cannot do it alone. I know that without your strength and your love, I will fail. I've been here time and time again, but this time has to be different. This time it really is life or death. Lord, help me choose life. Walk with me as I take this step towards health and well being. Guide the surgeons and the nurses as they perform this operation. Knit my wounds back together precisely the way they should without any complications. But perhaps even more importantly, Lord please help me change my mindset. Help me accept my new life with grace and strength. Help me to be a witness to my friends and family who struggle with their weight, that there is hope and it can be done. Help me to bear this cross because in comparison to yours, it is so light.

And Lord, let there be life after this. A long, long life.

Amen. 

Not Just a River in Egypt....

According to the Kubler Ross model, there are five stages of grief after a significant loss. Those stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It's not a linear progression though, a person can skip from one stage to another and go back and forth before finally reaching acceptance at the other end.

Well this morning something really strange happened. It was like the moment I opened my eyes I shifted gear from denial straight into anger.

                                                 ........no........

                                                                   rage........

                                                                                  pure, untainted, rage. 

Tge worst part about anger is there's no one to be angry at - except yourself. In one day I went from trying to be positive and upbeat to LOATHING everything about myself and everything and everyone. I raged at my husband. I raged at my work. I raged at the friends who seem to have ditched me lately for no reason. I raged at my life. I raged at my weight. I raged at food, I raged at my weaknesses. I raged at my father for his obsession with not having a fat kid and in turn creating what he feared. I raged at the years of stealing food, obsessing over food, comforting with food, sneaking food, dreaming about food, socializing with food, buying food, swapping food, promising I wont eat food and all the failed attempts at losing weight and all the money lost.

At the end of my rage there was nothing. Just, nothing. Nothing except a profound sadness that it has all come to this. Why me? Why this? Why is it that I have to jump through all these hoops just to live and have children when I deal with client after client every single day who gets to do that and they completely abuse their bodies and their children and take their circumstances for granted....it just doesn't seem fair.

II know, I have ventured far into 'pity party' territory - as Brad said, I'm wallowing and I know that's true. I knew this journey would be hard, but I had no idea that this would hit me today - and I haven't even had to start dealing with the restriction in food yet!! It was an emotional reaction I didn't expect. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and be totally fine - it's just after so long of living in de-nile I've finally left Egypt, and it's going to take me a little while to adjust.....

*sigh*

Reality check....

Imagine you are sitting in a doctor's office. The doctor tells you that you have cancer. But not just any kind of cancer. Imagine you have a type of cancer that could activate any time between this day and your 50th birthday, but that's GUARANTEED to go off sometime between now and then.

But there's one thing you can do. You can have a surgery, amputate an arm, and cut out the cancer cells and stop the cancer from activating. You can essentially save your life. As with any surgery there's risks of things going wrong. You'll miss the arm, you'll mourn life as you know it - but you'll be alive. You'll grow old. You'll have kids, and grandkids. You won't be dead.

Would you think twice? It's a no brainer right? You'd gladly give up the arm for life. Like Angelina Jolie you'd give up a breast or two to live longer wouldn't you. You'd risk the possible complications and go for it because let's face it, we all want to live and be healthy.

Well, today was a watershed moment, and I've had that exact scenario posed to me. Today I had a bariatric surgeon tell me that at my current weight I will not live to 50. I've told myself such things for years, but the effect of having a health professional say it so bluntly is profound. I fell apart. All of a sudden I realised that this journey is SOOOOOOOO much bigger than wearing cute clothes, or walking up stairs without puffing, or vanity, or even having children - this really is life and death for me.

The surgeon also gave me the hard line on my commitments - a change in psychology, a change in eating patterns, a change in lifestyle and later, a change in exercise routine. Minimum 5 hours a week, low carb, high protein portion control diet, complete compliance with all required medications/vitamins/etc and most importantly no cheating. It was a hard conversation - but amid the shock and being a little blindsided by the whole "dead before 50" line, I was actually ready to hear it. And upon further reflection it's driven home for me how incredibly serious this is. I don't want to forget that going forward because really, juxtaposed against the alternative, it's a no brainer.

This has to happen. And it has to work.

About to go in for my first appointment with my beautiful support person Ros!

What does a food addict do after a gastric sleeve appointment?
Feast on KFC of course!!!!

Um, YUM! 

Lessons from my Pooch

"Dear God, please let me be the person my dog thinks I am..." ~Unknown~

I once read this story that really made me giggle.....I thought I'd share!

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other. 

There's a reason dogs are known as man's best friend. Let me introduce you to mine :)

This is Gizmo. Gizmo is 8 years old and was the second puppy of his litter that we owned - the first unfortunately had to be put down due to medical problems :( Just like Jack and the Beanstalk, I was meant to come home with the money - but when I saw that face there was no question and I chose the pooch. Despite moments when he's pooped on my carpet, or the whole of last year for example when after not one but TWO cruciate ligament surgeries we were paying vet bills off for months and months, I have no regrets. Whatever it has cost, what he's taught me about life far outweighs any monetary value. Here's some of the lessons I've learned from my pooch:

1. Life is to be lived, no matter what your circumstances
2. Joy is all about attitude and can be found in everything: from a good bone to a romp through long grass
3. It's not the big things in life that are scary, a lot of the time it's the little things - it's all relative. An intruder can be nothing compared to your own dinner bowl! It's all about perception!
4. Love your enemies even if they're a 6kg cat who can beat you up in a heartbeat!
5. Forgive forgive forgive
6. Don't hold grudges: when it comes to being in trouble, have a VERY short memory and remember this too shall pass!
7. You don't have to be cute to get what you want - but it sure helps!
8. Simple pleasures are nothing to be sneezed at and should be embraced at every opportunity
9. Welcome every single guest with unbridled joy and enthusiasm!!
10. When all else fails - love, love, love, love.

There will never be a day I am not grateful I chose the pooch and if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't change a thing.

Until next time!

The Many Shades of Grey.....

And NO I'm not talking about THOSE shades of grey! Dirty minds!!!

Yesterday I had my first half day back at work, and in my work emails (among the 339 other emails) was a scanned copy of a couple of newspaper articles written on what the Aboriginal community have dubbed as the "second stolen generation" aka Stolen Generation two point oh....with the alleged thieves being none other than yours truly. Yup, I'm not joking.....apparently in my misguided bid to help children in my community I am part of a massive government plot to eradicate the Aboriginal and Torres Strait cultures of this nation.

It's hard not to be a little defensive about it. I've spent my whole life believing that I am part of a new enlightened Australian society that has gone far beyond the prejudices and hatred that drove the original Stolen generation's occurrence. After all, haven't we just apologised for that??

On the other hand, it's hard for me not to feel conflicted. Am I in fact part of the, albeit somewhat more legitimized and just as heavily legislated, second wave of removals. What makes me any different from those in authority years ago who came in and stole Aboriginal children from their homes and families? Am I unwittingly just a continuation of the eradication of the Australian Indigenous wave of life?

It's hard not to feel split right down the middle, but swaying me back towards the legitimacy of my work is the years and years of research of the effect of alcoholism, drug addiction, neglect, physical abuse and domestic violence that shows how devastating these things are for children. The reality is, we're dealing with a very broken culture here and children are being hurt every day by the aftershocks of what our forefathers have done to the Aboriginal people. I cannot escape the fact that it was MY forefathers that did these things and I can't deny that if it weren't for European invasion its likely the children of today would be growing up immersed in a very different world that would probably be far more family focused and far less troubled.

It was my people - but I can't carry their guilt with me and let it affect what I'm doing now. By the same token I cannot let the ignorance of my current generation cloud my deep heartfelt respect for true Aboriginal culture. I truly love love love Aboriginal culture. I respect it. I would never ever intentionally or knowingly do anything to disrespect Aboriginal heritage. But I have to believe in what I am doing, and I've seen enough results to know that what I'm doing matters and makes a difference.

The answer on a metaphysical level however is a lot less definitive. I am looking at the whole thing from a purely white perspective and the researchers I am relying on are mostly white guys too. What part of my point of view is "white" and what part of my point of view is just human? Will I ever be able to separate myself to such a degree that I won't feel so divided when I read such articles?

I guess the answer is "how long is a piece of string" - there IS no answer. No matter what I do, I can't step out of my "white" body, I can only abide by the law and do the job that is in front of me. I hate that I am judged by my skin colour, and sometimes I feel like I am judged by my skin colour just as much as Aboriginal people feel judged. I know I hold a LOT more power than they do, I just wish there was no "they" at all. Kids are kids - whether they're white, brown, blue, purple it doesn't matter. Kids are hurt just the same no matter what their skin looks like. All I can do is continue to reflect on my practice, and live in the shades of grey.

Until next time!