So, its two weeks today since the big surgery, and the cast is officially OFF (thank God in heaven!) and unfortunately has been replaced with a rather nasty and annoying prickling stabbing type pain that comes and goes all over my foot. At least the itching is over though, that was by far the worst!
Two reasons for the title of my post....number one is obvious - it's midnight and I'm wide wide awake! I am finding it hard to sleep with the aforementioned pain, so I'm afraid it's watching the Vicar of Dibley on DVD, cups of tea and vegemite sandwiches for me.
The second reason is because today I spent a good hour and a half at the hospital trying to get some kind of fabulous boot to fit me. I have unusually shaped feet and legs I'm afraid - tiny teensie feet, and ridiculous calves that would make tree stumps feel jealous! However, after much trial and error, I can now confirm that my horrid cast has been replaced with this drop dead GORGEOUS, one-of-a-kind, about-to-become-all-the-rage-in-Milan-and-Paris orthopaedic boot who after much discussion I have decided to name "Sven" the magnificent :)
In other news, I want to apologise in advance and in retrospect to any of my fabulous maties reading this who may have copped a little attitude from me at late (and that goes for family members too!) I've been awfully frustrated at life lately - there's nothing like a painful, itchy cast, the inability to go to the toilet unaided coupled with feeling like a disgusting lump on a log who cannot do anything for themselves to make one a little tetchie! Being in the boot has marginally increased my independence and I'm able to at least get up and move around my own home without supervision. I can't carry much as I'm still on crutches, but I'm hoping to at least be able to make my own brekky, get dressed myself and do a very little things in my office :) Hubbie is off back to work tomorrow night, so an early dinner and in general an early night I suppose :)
I have found myself slipping a little into a bit of depression, to bring myself out of such dreary states I thought I might make a list of things I could get on with while I'm recouperating now that I'm a little less geographically restricted :) So, here goes :)
Pam's List of Awesome Things to Do While I'm Recovering :)
1. Organise painting studio
2. Paint canvas for office
3. Go to Office Works while in Maitland and get beautiful purple boxes for office and a birthday book :)
4. Invite any possible friends over for coffee and a giggle :)
5. Review budget and re-negotiate electricity and other utilities
6. Organise office and book case
7. Clean out wardrobe in office and completely redo to be neat and tidy :)
8. Go to spotlight and get more wool
9. Continue working on pom pom rug :)
10. Bake up a storm (once I'm a little more on my feet!)
Hello whoever is reading this! :) I'm pleased to say things are a little brighter than my last post. I had a long chat with Brad, and he's assured me that he will take care of things and that he feels better when he's in control of what's happening. I can kind of understand that, if he was ill or injured I would feel the same way. I have to admit, I would also be freaking out if Brad kept doing stuff that he wasn't supposed to, so perhaps I wasn't being the bestest patient either! Thankfully the Tough household has calmed down somewhat and I have gotten myself into a bit of a better headspace. I've also started waking up at a normal time and making an effort to at least get dressed and do my hair, and to get out of the bedroom and into the lounge room during the day so I feel a little more like a normal human being and a little less like a cripple!!!
Pa is in the painstaking process of making me toast and tea - LOL apparently that's a difficult task.....it would seem the men in my family have been as crippled as I currently am by my good nature and love of cooking! Brad has been doing a good job though, last night we had hot dogs :) i have to say, in all other respects Brad has been both patient and long suffering, and has done everything he can to keep me safe and occupied despite my discomfort at times. Last night was the worst pain I've had since coming home from the hospital, which I think in part was because yesterday I was determined to go through the whole day without Endone - I got til 9 pm and then gave up! I think Andree was right, if you keep the pain at bay throughout the day its not nearly as bad, but if you let the pain get out of control its much harder to reign it back in. I just don't want to become reliant upon the Endone in particular, so the less I can have the better.
I dont want to have any Endone also because my beautiful friend Lisa is on her way over with fancy schmancy coffee for us :) :) yummo :) :) I love her, she's one of those kindred spirits that one day just step into your world and before you know it, you cannot imagine what you did without them! It's rare to find someone that you love so effortlessly, who just - fits - but she is completely in sync with me! Absolutely love her!!! :)
Well I'm going to sign off now, but no doubt I'll post again soon :)
It's 2:00am on Monday morning, and I'm unfortunately wide awake. This wouldn't be a problem at all except I'm too incapacitated to do anything constructive, so I'm left to ponder. Life at the moment is very restricted. I'm fortunate to have every electronic convenience at my finger tips....my laptop. my phone, my tablet and my Nintendo 3ds xl all providing a degree of entertainment a varying times of the day. Add to that a TV in my room hooked up to a blu ray player that can access youtube, and I'm fairly wired up, yet all these things cannot completely replace autonomy and freedom. I rely very heavily on poor Brad for everything, he has to be there when I get up to go to the loo, or when I need help dressing or if I'm hungry or thirsty or anything. It's an incredible amount of pressure, he's very worried about me hurting myself, so he hovers over me and nags me to drink more water. I wish there was something I could do to make his life a bit easier, because he's pretty flat out. Plus then he's got to try and get all the housework done on top of it, and because Pa is staying here he's got to cook for Pa as well.
It makes me feel awful how much he has to do for me right now. But if I try to do things for myself it only stresses him out more, it just seems no matter what I do I make things worse. I've written to the rehab coordinator asking for assistance, but God only knows if or when I'll get a reply, and I feel very much alone at this point. I'm so worried about Brad, and about how much tension there is over all this. I just want to make things better but I dont know how. Brad needs help, we need help, and I have no idea what to do now. I know things will get better in time, but its a long road back and I'm afraid. Brad's sleeping right now, and I do not want to wake him up for anything, so I am basically stuck here with my thoughts which is never good.
Hello beautiful people! Guess who's home!!!! Huzzah!!!! Yup that's right, I'm backkkk :) I am just grateful to be alive and home and relatively pain free (thanks to drugs!) my leg is sore, but I'm able to sleep and go in and out which is good :) plus I am now in my comfy bed among my family rather than being in a hospital with strangers! So life has become very very good!
The good news is I've been cleared to put weight on my heel, making getting around a LOT more easy. Plus it means I am not restricted to just the bedroom after all, making quality of life a LOT more pleasant for me :)
So, the whole experience....well I ended up having to wait ages before going in for surgery, but I did everything I possibly could to keep calm. They got a canula in my arm straight away, which alleviated a little bit of tension They did a nerve block, so for the first 18 hours my leg was completely numb I couldn't feel anything. Once the block wore off it got painful! I've been so blessed with several visitors in hospital, Ros and Cheryl and Andree and Robyn all paying me a visit, and tonnes of flex messages flying around :) Everyone's been so kind and loving, I really felt like everyone was looking out for me and wishing me the best which was super sweet :) Gizmo and Max are happy to have me home, although Gizmo is very unhappy that he is not allowed in the bedroom as Brad's afraid he'll jump up on me so there's a gate Brad's constructed and poor Gizmo can see me but he can't come in. It's driving him a little bit insane LOL
The hospital was very good, the staff were mainly very nice except for the last nurse I had who wasn't very nice. Everyone else was amazing, the nurses were very kind and the food was great! I am shocked at how I've been able to bounce back and I'm feeling pretty good, I get drowsy every once in a while and the medication is keeping the pain at bay which is a relief. This whole thing is not going to be quite as bad as I originally thought and I feel like a massive weight is off my shoulders.
For anyone who thought I was being melodramatic about the whole needle thing, here is the results of the anethitists efforts AFTER I fell asleep to get another line into me......
Yup, I'm officially black and blue on both arms!! he was able to get another line in on my wrist, and that was it, he couldn't even get blood out of me!
Well, now that I'm home, I'm going to put my head back and see if I can get a bit of shut eye, I'm a bit tired. To sign off, here's my all time favourite view at the moment.......my own back yard :) :)
So, tonight is my last night of freedom before my surgery. I am trying not to think too much at this point. My ankle is aching, an ever present reminder of why this surgery is necessary - helpful because I was beginning to wonder! LOL
I've begun downing water like it's going out of fashion, I've tossed a few sets of jammies on my bed to pack, kitchen is kind of clean, dinner is all done, and I think we're nearly at the point where we can't really prep much more. The only jobs I have left to do is finish packing, gather together a few art supplies to put beside the bed in case I get the urge, and gather up some blu rays to put in the bedroom. That's about it really. I'm watching a pretty awesome movie at the moment, so as soon as it goes to an add I'll move into the bedroom and finish packing.
So, I'm talking about the mundane because I'm avoiding talking about the actual event. The truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared about the needle, I'm scared about the anaesthetic, I'm scared about the waking up, the pain, the logistics of how I'm going to shower, go to the bathroom, and then how I'm going to get home, deal with the pain, and generally live for the next three months of my life. I can't really dress that up any other way. In my mind I know that I'll get through it, because I always do....it's just the unknown I can't stand.
My beautiful new friend Lisa gave me a "Post Op Survival kit" consisting of a chick flick, a funny book and chocolate :) :) I love that girl! And my workmates decided to attack me with ink stamps, forcing me to go to Big W with my arms covered in "data entered" or "postage paid" or "true and certified copy" LOL I guess they just wanted to brand me before I left!!!! It made my last day at work a real treat.
So, my life is about to dramatically change for a while. I'm going to have to rely on Brad and others more than I ever have before. Perhaps that's what scares me most.
I wont be blogging for a little bit as a result, so I guess it really is "until next time",
Ok, so before I get into today's post, I want to take a minute, pause reverently, and share......my food porn of the week.......
Ta Daaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
It's my Broccoli Chicken with Singapore Noodles......mmmmmmmmm...........
Now you would think something like "broccoli chicken" would be pretty simple....broccoli.....chicken.....how hard can it be???
Well, let me answer that for you.....an hour later, with a kitchen that looks like a BOMB hit it, I've velveted, marinated, sauteed, fried, stir fried, nuked, swished, swirled and chopped my way to a meal that is REALLLLLLY nice, but pretty high maintenance!!! I think it's more of a weekend meal.....but Oh soooo delish :) :) And the best part is the leftovers for tomorrow's lunch!!!
So, on to day three of my life "post the book" and I am actually quite surprised at how much I'm not really missing it. Apart from the "what do I do first thing in the morning" post facebook hang over the rest of my existence is going pretty good. And pretty soon, I'll be too drugged to care!!!! In other news, today I picked up all my gear ready for the post surgery struggles...shower chair, check, toilet chair....sadly check......little old lady walkers x 2....check (I dont know why I needed two but apparently I did!) and I'm also asking for reimbursement to hire a knee scooter because the whole crutches thing isn't working out as good as I had hoped. They bloody hurt!!!! I want to have all my bases covered so that when the time comes, I've got plenty of options and I can choose whichever one is going to work out the best. I feel like I'm preparing to be a geriatric!
Well that's about it really.....but before I go.....I can't help it.....just one more.......
I am imaging my readership has gone down somewhat of recent - yesterday morning I dropped the bombshell - I gave up facebook. No warning, no fasting just *blip* gone. Its now been over 24 hours since I made announcement and so far I am LOVING life post the big FB.
So, what prompted the change? I had a couple of people quite concerned because I fear the message I sent was a little maudlin in nature, but I'm seriously ok, I promise! I had many many reasons that I've pondered over a REALLY long period of time to get to the point where I made the call yesterday and here's just a few.
1. Time
Ok this one is kind of obvious - I spent WAYYYYY too much time on facebook, I'd sit down just to "check my newsfeed" for two seconds and all of a sudden two hours had gone by! I'd even started checking it at work, which is really bad, so I knew it was time to admit I had a problem and give it the ol' heave ho! Time is precious, life is precious, and it's far too precious to be watching pixels on the screen no matter HOW social the media claims to be!
2. Drama
Another obvious one. In my line of work, facebook is a MASSIVE cause of drama, not just for me but for my clients, for the kids, for everyone. I'd even go snooping on people's pages whom I'd had conflict with a Looooonnngg time ago, and it would make me cranky, and make me relive all the old hurts and I'd start having awful arguments with that person in my head....(I'm not crazy I SWEEEARRRRR) and I just got the point where it was just causing me drama indirectly as well as directly. I have enough trouble dealing with the drama of just getting through every day life without adding to my struggles through sick thought patterns that keep me down in the dumps!!!! I CRAVE simplicity in my life, and I want to do whatever I can to get it. I'm trying to change my self talk, and if facebook is the biblical "eye" or "hand" that gets in the way of me doing that I say CUT IT OFF! :)
3. Lifestyle
This kind of goes along with time, but goes further. My lifestyle is very sedentary, and granted there are a LOT of reasons for that. Now, let me preface this by saying I realise this may be a bit of a moot point in the short term considering I am about to have major ankle surgery and be completely sedentary for at least 4-6 weeks, but I'm thinking bigger picture here......there's many reasons I dont do much, work and TV being the other two prime culprits. I can't help the work aspect of it, and hubbie LOVES watching telly and movies with me, so what's left I can get rid of....you guessed it.....
4. The Principle
No, I'm not referring to Mormons here! I'm talking more from a basically ethical point of view. It is my honest belief that, shock horror, not everyone wants or needs to know about my life. Especially people who can't be bothered making contact with me OUTSIDE of facebook. That might sound harsh, but I need to be a bit harsh when it comes to setting boundaries because in the past I've had NO boundaries. The truth is, as arrogant as it sounds, I know I'm a good friend, and I know how much I love and care for my friends. I put a LOT into my friendships and the people I give my friendships to have to be people who will be good friends to me to. As the saying goes, "If you are absent during my struggle, do not expect to be present during my success" ~Will Smith~
5. Quality Vs Quantity
So this leads me to my next motivation......my friends themselves. See, I had a bit of a revelation the other day. I was thinking about all the people who I have on my facebook who I did know at one point from different places, and I reflected on what friendships were like before Facebook. Before Facebook, when you moved away from somewhere, there's nearly always a few people who work hard to stay in touch, but over time the rest slip away.....and it was ok. There was no malice, no anger, no hurt, just people get busy and things naturally change. People grow apart and grow up. I honestly believe that while humans were made for relationships, we weren't made to keep in touch with everyone single person we've ever met. They dont need to know everything that is going on with me, and I don't need to know everything that is going on with them.
The quality of one's social life is not, contradictory to what we've been led to believe, a function of how many friends you have on facebook, or how many "likes" you get, or even how many comments you get to your latest status message or post. Of course, I never really believed that......
Or did I?
Shameful as it is to admit, even I have slipped into the cycle of believing that I'm popular based upon the activity on my newsfeed. The little thrill when you see that little box on the top header indicating you have a bunch of notifications, or even better, a message....the deliciousness of clicking that notification and opening up a post or picture I've put on there and seen that others have commented. Counting up the likes......
We've all done it, we've all at one stage or another fallen victim to the "facebook high". But is that how I want to see myself?
I realised that the time I'm investing in facebook I could be putting into face to face time with real friends. Friends I know now. Friends who are present in the moment. Instead of looking back at those I used to know, I chose to let go of those who dont keep in touch with me and instead focus on the ones who do. I want to invest my time, my energy and myself into those people and cultivate strong friendships rather than sit behind a computer screen broadcasting some watered down version of myself for people who dont invest the same amount of time and energy and self into me.
And finally, I gave up Facebook after watching this video.....
The conviction I felt was so strong it nearly burned a hole in my chest. I decided right then and there the minute I watched this that my days pouring over Facebook were over. I can't go back now. I feel like I've entered a new part of my life, and I want more out of it. I want to drink deep and soak up every last drop of this world....and I can't do it while I'm more focused on facebook than on real faces.
So I hope you will understand. I hope that my friends will follow me off the page and won't let me go into the abyss. I will do everything I can do keep in touch with as many people as I can. I hope you will indulge me this selfishness and humour my efforts to improve my relationships. But if you don't, that's ok. I promise.
.jpg)
