OCD or Control Freak?

The last few days I've noticed something, and it doesn't bother me so much as puzzle me. So sit down, strap in and hang on you're in for a bumpy ride through the realm otherwise known as my special brand of neurosis!

I discovered that it's very possible that I just might be teensie little bit, just a smidge, itty bitty speck on the back of a gnat.....controlling.

Yes, I know, you're shocked. Stunned. Your mind is officially blown. You can't think straight at the suggestion of this completely world view changing revelation.

Ok, I know you're not shocked, or stunned, in fact if you know me at all you'll probably think "yeah...and??? tell me something I don't know!" Unfortunately, this was not my reaction! I was actually quite blown away by this.

I've found it difficult to shake the party line I was fed as a kid, that I was lazy and slothish and that I never did anything properly or well. I always just assumed I'd be the kind of person who would do just enough to get by, and despite me being an adult and completely autonomous in shaping the person I am to become in my life I've never been able to see myself in any other way. Yet, I've noticed over the last few days that I'm actually extremely hyper sensitive to my surroundings - they literally change the way I am able to process information and function in my life.

Here's an example, the other day I took two hours of my working day to de-clutter and sort through my workspace. I got rid of stuff, changed around stuff, completely cleared off my desk and was able to streamline my space. I paid attention to how I felt as I made decisions about where things were going to go, and about how I was going to use items I was hanging on to and why. It was, and I'm not being dramatic, a RELIGIOUS experience for me. The process of going through those things was almost more euphoric as how I felt when I'd finished - I went home SINGING and feeling like a million dollars. That got me thinking - I get a mental and physical pay off from de cluttering the space - what IS it about that act that gets me so excited?

Now, I'm not saying I'm OCD to the point where I wash my hands over and over, or dont believe that light switches are turned off - but I am OBSESSED with organisation and changing things around. It's almost like a relief, when I find a project or something to work on I feel like I can breathe again. When I don't have anything like that I get really cranky and upset and grumpy. I NEED to feel like I'm in control of my surroundings, and if I feel like the housework is getting away from me, I will stay up late, put everything else aside, and CLEAN like I'm scratching a damn itch. I can't stop until it's done, no matter what happens.

This is a new aspect of me that I've only just discovered. I'm not sure whether i like it or not, because I hate being dependent upon anything for my own happiness, but at the same time I obviously get something out of it or I wouldn't be doing it. And to be honest, I dont think I want to get rid of it. I like being tidy, I like putting things right in my world, and i especially love the clarity it brings my mind when I'm able to feel in control of my world. The only problem is, life by its very definition is messy. It's chaotic, its disordered, and it's completely out of my control no matter how much I THINK I'm somehow holding the keys to my own life. Have I just traded my stress over feeling like I need to "accomplish" stuff to a need to have everything in order, or is it really all the same thing? I don't feel like I have a massive issue with spare time anymore, but this whole obsession over cleaning, rearranging and de-cluttering might just be a substitute. And the million dollar question is, will I ever find a place of peace where I don't need to obsess over either in order to be happy?

Until next time.....