So, just when I thought the worst was behind me, down I went again. After Thursday's calm came Friday, fraught with confusion and anxiety and topped off by a complete meltdown on Friday afternoon. I became convinced that I was going to lose my job, my house, everything. I seriously felt like I was systematically dismantling the beautiful life I'd constructed for myself, and it made me absolutely hysterical at the thought of losing it all.
Now I know that's not entirely true - yes I had a really bad week, but I can't be "on" all the time....the reality is, I have an illness that needs to be managed. It's not something that can be eradicated, or cured, its something I have to deal with and I'm still learning how to do that. The reality is, in the moment my drastic thinking is incredibly real to me, and when I'm given a "dressing down" over my mistakes rather than encouraged in a constructive way it serves to escalate that drastic thinking even further because I figure well its even WORSE than I thought because this person is getting up me as well - it just stacks up on top of me. I feed on negative stresses and energies from others, and that really makes things worse.
Then yesterday afternoon someone tried to break into our house - I'm grateful they didn't succeed, but we're looking at about $1000 excess on the damage that we'll have to pay for the insurance company to fix the results. As if I needed anything else to worry about! My husband stayed up all night, worried that they'd come back to try and finish the job, and consequently I didn't really get much sleep either. We're pretty spooked, so now instead of saving up for that outdoor area we so desperately want we're now looking at getting security screens on our entire house and getting a lock for our manhole cover. It's so frustrating to know that all that effort we've put into savings has now been pretty much for nothing - we can't even afford for me to get a birthday present we'd planned. It's infuriating that along with getting an injection in my ankle on my birthday, trying to prepare for surgery, dealing with issues at work, anxiety through the roof and waiting for word that my estranged grandfather has passed away I now have to deal with this. I just dont know how much more I can try to keep calm and level headed when I have SO much going on - I feel like I'm overwhelmed and the scariest part of it all is that I feel like this week I did my absolute best considering how messed up I was - and my best was described as !@#$ not just by me but by others. What do you do when your best is not good enough?
My darling girl,in times like this don't think about what others think about you or even what you think about yourself but what your heavenly father thinks of you - have you ever asked God who he says you are?
ReplyDeleteRead this post, particularly the bit about how God changes names.
http://www.faithbarista.com/2010/02/what-does-your-name-mean-a-name-between-two-lovers/