Well, silly season is nearly upon us, and believe it or not, I think I am finally starting to get some of that "Christmas Spirit" back! For years I've been pretty adverse to anything particularly christmassy, preferring instead to lay low and live in denial about the whole thing but this year it seems my soul has been somewhat dragged back into the true spirit of the season :) I still dont like the commercialism, or Santa (or as I say Satan re-spelt!) or the focus on stupid myths rather than the birth of Jesus, but I am however a little excited about having some time off, wearing silly hats and basically just spending some down time :)
So, with this sudden surge of Christmas spirit, its gotten me thinking about relationships - namely friendships. I've blogged before about how I've struggled to make friends, especially after my anxiety really kicked in. I've been through a lot in the last few years, and its really made me shyer than ever when it comes to relationships. This year however there's been a shift back in right direction. I've found myself more confident when it comes to my ability to make friends, and a little more secure in myself to know that I can cope with rejection if it comes my way.
I've also learnt that I'm worth more that what I get sometimes - I'm a good friend to those I love. I am valuable, I'm fiercely loyal and I'm worth knowing. I'm someone who deserves equal friendships where I get as much as I give and where I'm not constantly having to chase people to have contact with them. The other thing I've learnt is that I invest too much of my happiness and worth in other people. Whether I'm valuable or worthy or successful should not, and does not, depend on how many friends I have, or how long I've had them. My worth comes from God, and my relationship with God, not my relationship with people.
Sometimes I hold on too tightly to things, and they're generally things I should be letting go of because they're not good for me. Things like fear, sadness, bitterness and anger, as well as people who treat me ill. It's become increasingly important to me that I surround myself with people who will lift me up and support me in my life, and I've come to realise that relationships I've had and very tightly held on to in the past have not been healthy for me. That helps, because it helps me let go of those and not miss them in the way that I used to.
I've decided that my worth is not wrapped up in what my friends think of me, or even in how much effort they put into the friendship. I want to continue learning boundaries that will allow me to not feel the need to chase relationships but instead let them come to me. I'm learning how to nurture the real life relationships I have, and allow any relationships that arent real to fall by the wayside without malice.
It really is true that if you love someone you'll let them go - if they come back to you, they're yours. If they dont, they were never yours to begin with!
On a more positive note, I want to take a minute and acknowledge the real life relationships I have. All those people who email, message, text, call and who make time to hang with me. Those people are so special to me, they're so important. Some of them are new relationships, and some are old - they're all like sparkling diamonds in the fabric of my world, and I'm so blessed to know the people that I know. I'm really grateful for what I have, and even though there will be no family around my table this Christmas (other than hubbie and the furkids of course!) I will have friends, and that means so much to me. Its these friends that keep me from feeling any loss :)
And on that note, I want to wish anyone reading this a very happy, healthy and whole Christmas season. No doubt I'll post again soon with my New Year bucket list and reflections on the year that has been!
Until next time!
