It's been 7 weeks since I switched health funds and began the waiting period before my surgery. Knowing that I'm in early days towards the date that I will be elligible for surgery I am keen to start adopting new behaviours and lifestyle choices that will be more in line with my life after the procedure is done.
I went and bought some Optifast to try and accustom myself to the taste - I found having it first thing in the morning made me feel sick in the stomach :( I'm going to try having it for lunch one day this week and see what happens. I talked to my psychologist about it and she said you're allowed to have the bars and the soups too, plus a cup of vegetables a day also, so its not quite as dire as I first thought. Still, its going to be a huge challenge to go two or more weeks on Optifast and nothing else.
I feel like I'm on a slippery slope trying to climb my way back up....I get really inspired and tell myself that I'm going to do all the right things and take hold of this thing before I go in to the operating room.....and in the moment I truly mean it. But then, I get tired so I dont go for a walk, or I get bored so I eat, or I slip back into old ways without really even thinking about it anymore.
If you have ever been seriously addicted to drugs or alcohol, you'll totally get what I mean. My willpower is not enough for me to make the changes I need to make. I honestly don't know what the answer is. But I do know that the more I beat myself up about it, the more I do it, so it's probably better that I dont! I have to learn to accept me exactly as I am - if I am not enough while overweight, I'll never be enough when I lose it.
Saturday, 16 November 2013
Friday, 15 November 2013
Hello sleep...let me introduce myself!
So, its now been 6 days since the end of Phantom of the Opera. I have finally caught up on sleep, and although my house still isn't as ordered as I'd like it to be I'm starting to get back into the rhythm of normal everyday life. It's been a surprisingly easy transition, not nearly as hard as when I finished Grease and perhaps that's because this hasn't been as good an experience from an emotional point of view.
I have a lot going on despite not being in Phantom anymore - a GAZILLION appointments, physio, orthopaedic surgeons, psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, podiatrists, dentists..and that's just this month alone!! All in what could turn out to be a misguided bid to keep me healthy and sane! My ankle has begun to recover, which is great news, and I'm certainly in a much better frame of mind than I was for the last few weeks.
It occurs to me as I rush out the door this morning for the last day of the week, that I over think things far more than I need to. I long for a simple life, where social encounters are taken at face value and an offer of friendship is recieved with no perception of a hidden agenda. I have realised that I can be quite suspicious, always trying to figure out whether someone's intentions are really what they say they are. I guess that goes hand in hand with being unable to trust people, but it is EXHAUSTING having to analyse every little interaction. I'm not suggesting blind naivete of course - that would be just unwise...but what if I could be more authentic, more genuine, and trust that people will do the same with me without judgement? Then if people do judge me, then I'll either not know about it, or not care?
What if I just let it go and just threw caution to the wind. What if I just accept people where they are, and didn't always have a running commentary on what every little thing means all the time? What if I decided that I am enough for people to like, and if they don't its their loss not mine? What if I am enough?
Food for thought.....
Til next time!
I have a lot going on despite not being in Phantom anymore - a GAZILLION appointments, physio, orthopaedic surgeons, psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, podiatrists, dentists..and that's just this month alone!! All in what could turn out to be a misguided bid to keep me healthy and sane! My ankle has begun to recover, which is great news, and I'm certainly in a much better frame of mind than I was for the last few weeks.
It occurs to me as I rush out the door this morning for the last day of the week, that I over think things far more than I need to. I long for a simple life, where social encounters are taken at face value and an offer of friendship is recieved with no perception of a hidden agenda. I have realised that I can be quite suspicious, always trying to figure out whether someone's intentions are really what they say they are. I guess that goes hand in hand with being unable to trust people, but it is EXHAUSTING having to analyse every little interaction. I'm not suggesting blind naivete of course - that would be just unwise...but what if I could be more authentic, more genuine, and trust that people will do the same with me without judgement? Then if people do judge me, then I'll either not know about it, or not care?
What if I just let it go and just threw caution to the wind. What if I just accept people where they are, and didn't always have a running commentary on what every little thing means all the time? What if I decided that I am enough for people to like, and if they don't its their loss not mine? What if I am enough?
Food for thought.....
Til next time!
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
The Music of the Afterlife....
As the dust clears, the fog machine packed away and the pyros set aside, I've had a chance to breathe again...well one day anyways!
It's hard to believe that Phantom is over - and yet I can hardly remember what life was like before it began! Considering rehearsals began at the beginning of June, it really has been a long run. Almost half a year in fact.
As I have previously blogged, Phantom has been both the hardest and most fulfilling show I've done to date. Fulfilling because it's been a lifelong dream to be in Phantom of the Opera, and hard because of the politics that went on behind the scenes. Having stepped back a little, I can now see that there are certain people who, for whatever reason, are just not that accepting of new folk. There's one girl in particular who, having just seen her facebook page I believe has made a snap judgement based upon the way I look which is rather sad, and others who for whatever reason either feel threatened by newcomers or who just have too much free time on their hands and prefer to spend it gossipping about others. The size of the egos in that cast in particular was always going to be a little full on - after all, it's Phantom. If there was ever a show to bring out the big guns, this was it!
Having said all that, one thing that was promised did indeed come to pass....I made some really good quality friends and that has been a joy.
I think the danger with finishing any show is becoming nostalgic and rosy-eyed about the experience, so in order to avoid that I thought I'd share a few things I WONT miss about Phantom. Here's my top 10:
1. fatigue...and having to rock up to work feeling hungover!
2. ingesting more than a few strands of synthetic hair from my hannibal wig every-single-night blech!
3. and while we're on the subject...the wigs - UGH thank god no more wigs!
4. stage make up and the disgusting things it has done to my face
5. those stairs - granted I didn't have the full "stair" experience thanks to my ankle, but trudging up and down those stairs was arduous at best!
6. costume changes
7. listening to a certain dressing room mate (who shall remain nameless) go on, and on, and on, and on about how insignificant, crappy and frankly time wasting being in the chorus is....*rolls eyes*
8. loads and loads of ankle pain
9. waking up in the morning to "Prima Donna" rolling round, and round and round and round in my head....
10. Sweat. Lots and lots and lots of sweat. Enough said.
So it's back to reality for me. I have tomorrow off in flex and I'm seriously considering spending some sanity money getting a massage and making a podiatrist appointment to get my feet done. Would be great to get a facial done too, my poor skin! It's only a matter of a month and a bit until Christmas, so I guess that's the next thing, but for now I'm just going to revel in the normality of daily life for a bit.
It's hard to believe that Phantom is over - and yet I can hardly remember what life was like before it began! Considering rehearsals began at the beginning of June, it really has been a long run. Almost half a year in fact.
As I have previously blogged, Phantom has been both the hardest and most fulfilling show I've done to date. Fulfilling because it's been a lifelong dream to be in Phantom of the Opera, and hard because of the politics that went on behind the scenes. Having stepped back a little, I can now see that there are certain people who, for whatever reason, are just not that accepting of new folk. There's one girl in particular who, having just seen her facebook page I believe has made a snap judgement based upon the way I look which is rather sad, and others who for whatever reason either feel threatened by newcomers or who just have too much free time on their hands and prefer to spend it gossipping about others. The size of the egos in that cast in particular was always going to be a little full on - after all, it's Phantom. If there was ever a show to bring out the big guns, this was it!
Having said all that, one thing that was promised did indeed come to pass....I made some really good quality friends and that has been a joy.
I think the danger with finishing any show is becoming nostalgic and rosy-eyed about the experience, so in order to avoid that I thought I'd share a few things I WONT miss about Phantom. Here's my top 10:
1. fatigue...and having to rock up to work feeling hungover!
2. ingesting more than a few strands of synthetic hair from my hannibal wig every-single-night blech!
3. and while we're on the subject...the wigs - UGH thank god no more wigs!
4. stage make up and the disgusting things it has done to my face
5. those stairs - granted I didn't have the full "stair" experience thanks to my ankle, but trudging up and down those stairs was arduous at best!
6. costume changes
7. listening to a certain dressing room mate (who shall remain nameless) go on, and on, and on, and on about how insignificant, crappy and frankly time wasting being in the chorus is....*rolls eyes*
8. loads and loads of ankle pain
9. waking up in the morning to "Prima Donna" rolling round, and round and round and round in my head....
10. Sweat. Lots and lots and lots of sweat. Enough said.
So it's back to reality for me. I have tomorrow off in flex and I'm seriously considering spending some sanity money getting a massage and making a podiatrist appointment to get my feet done. Would be great to get a facial done too, my poor skin! It's only a matter of a month and a bit until Christmas, so I guess that's the next thing, but for now I'm just going to revel in the normality of daily life for a bit.
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