If Not for Knots....

So, today was a bad day. I guess I was due for one. I didn't realise just one bad day would turn into a whole week though! Between placement breakdowns, court cases that didn't end up happening, disasters and double booked meetings I am completely knackered. And to top it all off, I'm watching Seinfeld alone while hubbie takes a nap.

I am drained, exhausted, stretched thin with a disgusting knot in the pit of my stomach.

On nights like this it feels absolutely hopeless. I feel like I'm not doing anything of any value or purpose. I'm just screwing up other people's lives. I never finish what I need to finish in a day, and I'm just sprinting from one disaster to another but not actually fixing anything.

Everything is bad news, and I'm being piled up with cases that are absolutely hideous with no way of finding any solutions that will make people's lives any better.

Tomorrow I'll wake up, get out of bed and do the whole disheartening process all over again.

And instead of whinging further.... I'm just going to take my depressed self and go have a glass of wine. *sigh*

Until next time....

And the Sun rises....

So this morning I went up to my mountain (I've claimed it as my own with no authority other than I like it and it's mine!) known to the rest of the world as "Oxley Lookout". I go up there every Monday morning that I can gather my thoughts, pray, read the bible and reflect on whatever God has to say to me that day. It's a way of beginning my week with a "bigger picture" perspective - bigger than my own little life and my own little problems. I wanted to first share some pics of my city......

It's a beautiful place. From way up there, it's like everything is put in its place.

The most beautiful thing about my town is that there's a big timber cross at the lookout on the side of the mountain....

I had a good look at it this morning and I realised that if you follow a straight line from the way the cross is facing, it goes directly to the City Council building that is in the main street. 

I dont believe that's by accident. I got goosebumps, because it was such a powerful symbol of how Jesus is King over my town. He's King over the leaders of my city, and over the leaders of my country. He's right there, over everything. Tamworth belongs to Jesus! 

So, on to my bible study. Today I looked at Proverbs 8:32-36 which says the following: 

"Hear instruction and be wise,

And do not disdain it. 
Blessed is the man who listens to me,
Watching daily at my gates,
Waiting at the posts of my doors.
 For whoever finds me finds life,
And obtains favor from the Lord; But he who sins against me wrongs his own soul;
All those who hate me love death.” (NKJV)

I got a few things out of this verse. 

1. First of all, instructions make us wise. As much as it sometimes hurts the ego to be corrected and instructed how to better go through life, we have to acknowledge that it is possible, in fact it's probable, that someone might know better than we do. We cannot be the expert on every topic. In fact the majority of topics!! I cannot say I know much about anything, and I'm certainly not an expert on pretty much anything in this world. This doesn't just apply to listening to other people either, it also applies to listening to what God has to say. The person centred, egocentric "me" approach of this world would have us believe that we're the experts on our own lives. But really, the only expert on me and my life is God. The bible says that God knows every hair on my head - and that means that He is the only one worthy to be called an expert on my life. 

2. We should listen to God. Listening involves not talking. It's so easy sometimes to fall into the trap of using Jesus like a "genie" in a bottle - just putting in our requests and expecting God to give us everything we want. How much of our prayer time is spent talking? How much of it is spent being still, quiet, intent, and LISTENING. I know when I read this I immediately fell quiet and waited for God to speak. And sometimes you have to wait for a while before God answers. The point is you have to be aware and quiet in order to listen. 

3. We have to watch out for what God wants to do. And God doesn't always do things in the way we expect him to. In order for us to discern when God is moving we have to be watching out for Him from all angles. This part of the verse also talks about GATES not just one gate. God has many ways of answering prayer and moving for His glory, and you can bet its often not in the way you expect it! 

4. We have to wait for God to move. This is almost always one of the hardest parts - it's so difficult to not move on something prematurely just because its what WE want or its because its what we think we need. God's timing is NOT our timing, and it's really important that as Christians we ask Jesus to make us sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  If God isn't telling us to move, we shouldn't be moving! 

5. God works in black and white - you're either in or you're out. In a world full of greys (some would say fifty or more shades of grey!) God doesn't operate that way. The bible is very clear - if love God, you hate death. If you hate God, you love death. God hates luke-warm - you gotta be all in, or you'll be all out! 

So out of these revelations I listed the following actions: 

- When someone gives me instruction, I won't be offended. I will take the instruction and learn what I can out of it. 

- I will incorporate into my prayer time a substantial amount of time for just being still and listening to God. Deliberately giving time to God to hear what He has to say. 

- I will pray to God for sensitivity to be able to see when and where He is moving - in doing so I will claim for myself peace in every situation because I'll know that whatever happens God is in control. 

- I won't move until God tells me to move. It's all about less of me and more of Him

- I prayed today that God would increase my excitement for him - the excitement I had when I gave my life to Him. Walking with Jesus is an adventure, and you're either all in or all out. There's no room for mediocrity when it comes to witnessing for Jesus and the excitement of my life. 

If you've made it this far you're a verry dedicated reader - I hope these thoughts have blessed you! Have a great week! :) 

Til next time! 

Living at the Hermitage!

So, this weekend, as every weekend, I have struggled with my free time. I hate weekends. I love weekends. Weekends truly drive me bonkers. Friday nights and Saturdays are absolute bliss. I enjoy them and whenever I start feeling a bit stressed I think to myself "its ok, I've still got time..."

Then Sunday rolls around and the morning generally goes ok. I go downtown, I get my grocery shopping done and when I pluck up the courage I go to church. I don't always go, the last two Sundays I've been too chicken but when I can I do because I know its the right thing. I always feel good about going, and I never feel good about not going, but i cannot really explain why I dont go every week other than to say I'm weak and a chicken, and sometimes the stress that I go through physically getting out of the car and walking into church, navigating the gauntlet of awkward hellos and handshakes and fake smiles is just not something I want to go through.

So I go to church, or not, and then by lunch time I have the thought "Oh look its midday already, half my day is over..." and then it begins. I start watching the clock tick down, and I start figuring out how I want to spend the rest of my day, knowing that tomorrow the roller-coaster begins all over again. I begin making lists of housework for the week, meals for the week, I write up schedules for study and generally for my time, and I repeat to myself over and over again to "live in the moment" and "not stress" about tomorrow while that little voice in the back of my head screams at me TIME'S UP! YOU BLEW IT! YOU WASTED YOUR TIME!!!

Then it's a struggle to not panic that my weekend is over and a new working week has begun. It has gotten to the point that when I get teary and panicky my husband gets exasperated, reminding me that he has to deal with this same issue every single Sunday night and telling me that it's ok to have relaxed on my weekend.

Its really hard for anyone who hasn't been there to understand the chaos that goes on behind my eyes. I hide it well, and in social situations no one would ever know the panic I feel when I'm somewhere I dont know anyone. I look for all intents and purposes confident, outgoing and friendly.

It's amazing what one can hide when you have a lifetime of practice at it!

Til next time....

Going against the grain...

I have to take a moment and write a blog post that is probably going to make me very unpopular. Not that I care. Being unpopular is what happens when you go against the grain. People dont like that, they feel threatened when you state an opinion that goes directly against the latest band wagon cause. It doesn't bother me to be unpopular. It does however both me when Satan wins in making what is wrong seem right.

The bible says that the devil comes as an "angel of light" - Satan's work often doesnt LOOK like Satan's work - it looks like something good and right. So when someone speaks up against such a thing, even Christians arch up and get upset because they think you're fighting something that you shouldn't be. The truth is, wrong is wrong. I don't care how you dress it up, I don't care what rhetoric you put around it. It's wrong, plain and simple.

So, having said all that, lets talk about gay marriage.....

There was a lot of talk on the news last night about New Zealand's first day of their new legislation allowing gay marriage. Everyone talked about how great it was and how it should be the same in Australia.

It's not just the marriage bit I object to, although I do object to that. Marriage is an institution of God, and using it in a way that is against God is not right. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Period. You want to call it a civil union - that's fine. That's being recognised under man's law, and I guess I expect that man's law would go with whatever feels good and not necessarily what is right. But don't call it marriage. It's not.

So, putting aside the marriage thing, lets talk about homosexuality in general.

I have nothing against gay people - I know people who are gay and they're often fantastic beautiful people who are genuine and kind. Gay people are absolutely NO different from people who are in sin in ANY way, and that includes me - God knows how I've sinned, how I've fallen from grace, how I've gone against God's intention for my life. We are ALL in need of God's forgiveness and love, so I do not mean to single any particular group out, that is not my intention. The only reason I raise homosexuality in particular is because there is SUCH a push at the moment that being gay is ok - even in Christian circles. I've heard all the arguments, I've seen all the media on it, I've listened to people talk about "love" and "tolerance" and "acceptance"...which I'm sure is exactly what Satan would have you talking about because it takes the focus away from God's law which says:

A quote from Romans 1 18:32 - That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.

Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. They know God's justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too. (NLT)

Sound familiar? Yeah I thought so too. And for anyone arguing that the Old Testament law no longer stands that's from the New Testament - after Jesus. Here's another: 

1 Corinthians 6:9-11
Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (NLT)

And another: 

1 Timothy 1:8-10
Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully, understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine ... (ESV)

ANYONE who does these things goes against God. There's no explaining it away, there's no "but" - it's really clear. And as I said earlier, I fall into the same category, as does everyone. "Whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine" - that's like, every sin. 

But let me be very clear - I don't care how many rainbows you put on the issue. I don't care how popular it is to talk about "love" and how Jesus was all about "love" - Yes, He was about love, love for GOD FIRST. Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of God - directly going against God day in and day out is NOT LOVE of God. The bible is clear about love being OBEDIENCE to God's laws, and about having a healthy FEAR of God that causes us to walk God's way. 

It's a lesson I need to learn in my own life - it's SO EASY to fall into the trap of wanting to just let it go. I have many times just wanted to let it go. Just accept that there are people born gay and to just let it go. I love them, I believe God has a plan for their lives, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT accept what they do. 

It's wrong. Period. You can crucify me for it, but I will stand with Jesus. 

Until next time....

And Jesus Wept......

I am always moved when I read in the bible Jesus having human emotions...and nothing is more human than sorrow. When Adam and Eve invited sin into the world, they invited sorrow. It's part of human nature to feel sorrow, to be sad, to cry, to hurt and to feel pain. While being without sin, Jesus did feel sorrow and pain, all the way to the cross. Jesus mourned the loss of his friend Lazarus along with Mary and Martha, weeping with them. Jesus also wept over Jerusalem, mourning the loss and ignorance of a people who did not know him.

I often wonder what was going through Jesus' mind as he cried for us. I wonder if He cries for us now.

Then on days like today, I get just a glimpse. On days like today when I see the horrific reality of Satan's work; days when I look into the eyes of innocence corrupted; days when I feel like I'm trying to hold back the tide with a teaspoon; days when I am rendered helpless in the face of complete darkness.

I look into the face of children and the pain in their eyes accuses me....I feel like there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say - I am condemned by their tears.

And then I weep.

It is I......the social pariah!!

It is the moment every police officer, lawyer, caseworker and accountant dreads.....the other night I was at my first connect group with members of my new church. All was going well enough despite the fact that the entire conversation revolved around everyone else's kids, a conversation which of course I wouldn't dare enter given my childless state...

They were joking about kids behaviours and being overwhelmed at times, and one of the mother's made the comment that she just wished she could lock them in a room for an hour or two to give her some peace. At that moment one of the other mothers turned to me and said "gee I hope you don't work for DOCS"

*sigh*

I looked at our host (who knows that I do) and through a thin smile I shone eyes of sheer panic at her. She gave me a look back that basically said "it's up to you...tee hee hee" It's the pivotal moment where you can either fob it off, or you can square up your shoulders and be proud of the hated despised work you do.

In that second I made a choice. "Actually I am, but that's ok" Everyone laughed awkwardly and the conversation moved on. Crisis somewhat averted or so I thought.

We watched a DVD on living a blessed life, and then we discussed it before praying and going back to social conversation.

The same mother who had made the comment about working for DOCS then turned to me and said..."So, what do you do?" I realised in that moment, horrified, that she had thought I was joking......

*sigh*

Faced with the same choice, I had to once again pluck up my courage and again blurt out "I work for the department of communities" The woman looked at me incredulously and burst out laughing "Oh God" she said "I thought you were joking!!"

Nope....I'm serious.

There's always a twinge in situations like this where you for a second think....Is my job really a joke?? I mean seriously - am I a joke to these people?? Of course that's not what this poor woman meant at all, and we all laughed about it and we were able to move on. Turns out the lady is a lawyer who works across the road, so we were able to talk about things in common and people in common which was good. I guess its all just part of working in a job that deep down, everyone really hates. We're splashed over the news all the time as being incompetent lazy and heartless. We're slammed if we dont act, slammed if we do, and no matter what decisions are made there's always someone willing to go to the press and talk about the big faceless government who doesnt give a crap. No one thinks about the hearts beating inside every case worker who feels, and eats, and sleeps, and lives, and breathes, and loves, and cares, and busts their ass to try and make a difference to this kid, and that kid, and the next kid. With the exception of a few professions I dont think any other job is more misunderstood.

But, as I said a few posts ago, some people are made to climb mountains and some people are made to stand in the mud. I just hope I remember never to sling it around!

Til next time!