My Guilded Cage....

So, its the weekend again. And like every 9-5 Monday-Friday employee I long for the weekend. It should be a time to exhale, relax, spend time with family and friends, do things I want to do and just hang out right?

Wrong.

My weekends are torture for me. I love them, and I HATE them. During the week while I go to work every day I long to be home and have spare time, to get stuff done that I want to get done, And then the weekend arrives, and I've spent ALL week fantasising about the weekend. So much so that my weekends become much more stressful than even my working week.

This is really hard to explain without me sounding completely neurotic - perhaps that's because I am neurotic I dont know LOL I have this intense, passionate, burning drive to do do do all weekend. That would be ok if it was stuff I enjoyed. On one level I do enjoy it, I mean there has to be some kind of payoff right? For example, last night I pulled every single piece of clothing out of my wardrobe folded it with my folding board and rearranged my wardrobe so now its all nice and tidy and clean. I've been longing to do that for ages, so I got stuck in and I got it done and I felt elated that it was finished and clean and tidy - kind of like a little piece of my brain was slotted back into place and I felt a little more "together". At the same time, I got cranky at my husband for coming into the bedroom because I intensely just wanted to be alone. So it isolates me from my loved ones. And after it was done and finished I looked at the clock and it was way past bedtime. So then I felt resentful because my Friday night was over.

This morning I wake up and remember that I wanted to do my linen cupboard, so I get out of bed and before breakfast or even getting dressed I spent a good hour pulling everything out of my linen cupboard folding sorting and then putting it all back. II felt really good when I finished it, again like a little piece of my brain is put back in place where it should be. Just now I finished completely cleaning my kitchen and sweeping and spot cleaning my floors and I found myself getting really cranky at my husband because it was evident it hadn't been done for a few days and I was resentful that I'd spent half of my Saturday doing housework. In between these things I'd sit down for a few minutes but not long because then I'd want to get up and do more stuff. I keep remembering more and more things I wanted to do this weekend, and there's no way I'm going to get through all of that stuff - and even if I do something I want to do I dont enjoy it because I keep thinking about everything else I'm NOT getting done while I'm doing it!

See how my brain works? And people wonder why I'm exhausted!!!!

During the week I don't have this problem - I am obligated to go to work and do my work so I know every weekday what my day is going to be like and there's no other choices. But when I'm presented with choice is when I begin to panic.

I want to enjoy my free time and live IN the moment and not be worrying about the next thing or the next thing. Sundays are the hardest day because I cannot possibly enjoy anything because I know that Monday morning is looming ahead of me. It's only when I have holidays or an extended period of time off that I start to really relax and let go because I know that I have several days in a row to relax and unwind. Perhaps my problem is that weekends is not long enough - a common problem I guess. I just wish I could enjoy my time off - I look around me and I see other people having fun and I want that. Is there anyone else out there experiencing this or is it just me?