I'll See You Next Fall....

So, anyone who follows my facebook will have seen my incredibly talented handiwork done to my ankle as a result of my big ol tumble down the stairs on Monday afternoon! Talk about taking one for the team! My first week in my new team went pretty quickly after that, which is ironic considering I spent the rest of the week hobbling and limping from task to task! So Friday night I went to a book club thing from church - that was fun although it wasn't really as great as I thought it would be. I was thinking of maybe trying to plug in with a home group. The problem with going to a large church is that in order to get to know people its easier to get to know a smaller group of people and go from there. The other news on the ground is I'm entering a singing competition at the local shopping centre - small peanuts of course, but there's 1000 shopping spree in it for the winner plus an audio-technica mike and headphones. I can take or leave the mike, but I'd LOOVEE the shopping spree - there's so much stuff we wanna get for the house! :) So I'm giving it a good crack and we'll see how we go :) Also in the music arena audition dates for Phantom have just been announced - so excited! I am not auditioning for any major part simply because I dont think I have the calibre voice, talent, dancing ability OR figure to pull off anything major LOL I am however going to go for a chorus part, and I can't WAIT to give it a good go ) It's about time I got back into something musical, and what better than my absolute most favourite show of all time!!!!! I am dreading going back to work tomorrow but I'm trying really hard not to have my usual sunday meltdown - usually on Sunday afternoons I get down, and upset, and frustrated, feeling like I've wasted my weekend. This weekend I cannot at all say that - I did Lifefest yesterday, face painted for a few hours straight, then I got my house in order and then today did the grocery shopping and did a bit more housework :) I'm just trying oto take it day by day and sometimes minute by minute, not letting my mind go too far beyond the right now. It's so hard though, so tempting for me to keep poking my thoughts way into the future instead of enjoying what is in front of me. I hope I can keep those good feelings going because I have a flex day on Tuesday - sometimes flex days can be worse than weekends!! Until next time!

A few of my favourite things........(raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens......la la la la)

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via Jimminy on Pinterest

Source: fab.com via Chris on Pinterest

Source: jossandmain.com via Chris on Pinterest

Source: estudiomi.com.br via drawdrawdraw on Pinterest

Source: streetartutopia.com via Delaney on Pinterest

Source: saatchionline.com via Lisa on Pinterest

The Marriage Wisdom of Mrs Brown....

I was stranded on the couch this evening with a sprained ankle, and was watching Mrs Brown's boys where she made this speech. I was absolutely blown away so here it is :) 

"Marriages aren't made in heaven, they're made here.....and it's tough. You fight with each other, you love each other, and sometimes you feckin' hate each other."

Father: "but with God's help..."

"Argh with God's help? With God's help you stay sane, the rest is up to you! And if you get it right, you can be happy. Happier than you ever thought possible."

I don't really know whether I could have said that better myself :) One day I'll use that in a wedding speech I reckon, it's pure gold :) 

Give us this day.....

This morning at church the sermon was this amazing message on the burning bush, and on Matthew 22:14 where it says "many are called, but few are chosen". The pastor talked about the space in between those thoughts - what happens in between when people are called and when they are chosen and why do so many not follow through.

As the pastor was talking I went off on a slightly different track - one of the other verses that was used was about the burning bush. In Exodus 3:3-4 it says

So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.”

⁴ When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”

And Moses said, “Here I am.”

The amazing part of this is that Moses made a conscious decision to stop and examine the bush and God makes a big deal of this - so much so that when Moses does that, it gets God's attention. Moses doesn't just pass by the bush and move on, he stops and takes time. 

It made me think about all the struggles I've been having with church, work, weekends and life in general. I've forgotten how to rest in the moment, how to be present and take what God gives me for this day, this hour, this minute. I think this is partially why I struggle with free time - I'm too busy worrying about what I'm not doing, what needs to be done, what I'm missing out on and what I am not getting done in that moment rather than what IS going on in that moment. I want to get back to a moment by moment relationship with God where every breath is expired in prayer to God that He will use me in the moment and will walk with me IN that moment. That God will give me sufficient for THIS day what I need, and that is the only place I need to be. Instead of yearning for the weekend, I just need to be here, right now. Tomorrow will take care of itself, and I cannot do anything about yesterday. 

Its all pretty simple stuff, and yet I struggle with it  so! My prayer for this week will be that I'll be reminded of the burning bush - that taking the time in the moment to stop and pay attention to what God is doing RIGHT NOW will always get God's attention. If I press in to Him, He will draw closer to me in my daily life. That's our promise, and I want to capture a little of the burning desire to be close to Him that I've somehow lost along the way. 

My Guilded Cage....

So, its the weekend again. And like every 9-5 Monday-Friday employee I long for the weekend. It should be a time to exhale, relax, spend time with family and friends, do things I want to do and just hang out right?

Wrong.

My weekends are torture for me. I love them, and I HATE them. During the week while I go to work every day I long to be home and have spare time, to get stuff done that I want to get done, And then the weekend arrives, and I've spent ALL week fantasising about the weekend. So much so that my weekends become much more stressful than even my working week.

This is really hard to explain without me sounding completely neurotic - perhaps that's because I am neurotic I dont know LOL I have this intense, passionate, burning drive to do do do all weekend. That would be ok if it was stuff I enjoyed. On one level I do enjoy it, I mean there has to be some kind of payoff right? For example, last night I pulled every single piece of clothing out of my wardrobe folded it with my folding board and rearranged my wardrobe so now its all nice and tidy and clean. I've been longing to do that for ages, so I got stuck in and I got it done and I felt elated that it was finished and clean and tidy - kind of like a little piece of my brain was slotted back into place and I felt a little more "together". At the same time, I got cranky at my husband for coming into the bedroom because I intensely just wanted to be alone. So it isolates me from my loved ones. And after it was done and finished I looked at the clock and it was way past bedtime. So then I felt resentful because my Friday night was over.

This morning I wake up and remember that I wanted to do my linen cupboard, so I get out of bed and before breakfast or even getting dressed I spent a good hour pulling everything out of my linen cupboard folding sorting and then putting it all back. II felt really good when I finished it, again like a little piece of my brain is put back in place where it should be. Just now I finished completely cleaning my kitchen and sweeping and spot cleaning my floors and I found myself getting really cranky at my husband because it was evident it hadn't been done for a few days and I was resentful that I'd spent half of my Saturday doing housework. In between these things I'd sit down for a few minutes but not long because then I'd want to get up and do more stuff. I keep remembering more and more things I wanted to do this weekend, and there's no way I'm going to get through all of that stuff - and even if I do something I want to do I dont enjoy it because I keep thinking about everything else I'm NOT getting done while I'm doing it!

See how my brain works? And people wonder why I'm exhausted!!!!

During the week I don't have this problem - I am obligated to go to work and do my work so I know every weekday what my day is going to be like and there's no other choices. But when I'm presented with choice is when I begin to panic.

I want to enjoy my free time and live IN the moment and not be worrying about the next thing or the next thing. Sundays are the hardest day because I cannot possibly enjoy anything because I know that Monday morning is looming ahead of me. It's only when I have holidays or an extended period of time off that I start to really relax and let go because I know that I have several days in a row to relax and unwind. Perhaps my problem is that weekends is not long enough - a common problem I guess. I just wish I could enjoy my time off - I look around me and I see other people having fun and I want that. Is there anyone else out there experiencing this or is it just me?

The Only Thing Certain is Change....

So, today I finished up in out of home care and shifted desks across to the other side of the office to start the "pointy" stuff - another ending, another beginning. As usual its always the unknown that distresses me the most - not knowing what its going to be like, not knowing how my job is going to change. This afternoon was kinda awkward - I was shifting my stuff over into my new pod, and everyone was so quiet.....it was really weird. I'm used to quiet offices, because there's usually hardly anyone around our side, but that's because of a lack of ppl - in this instance it was just everyone absorbed in their own thing.

I'm expecting several things out of this new team:

a) my new manager is the complete opposite to my old one - she's very business like, very professional and VERY much the straight shooter. There's no mucking around and no empathy. She's nice enough but very hard - nosed and not at all nurturing like my old manager.
b) there's quite a few guys in my team, in fact I think there's more guys than girls in my team. Thats unusual for where I work! As such I don't anticipate there will be much small talk, if any. It will change the whole dynamic of what I do at work because it will be much more "work" focused. Not sure if this is necessarily all bad though.
c) its going to be a LOT of hard work - I am fully expecting overflowing days and plenty of frantic work. Lots of supervising contacts, lots of transports, and regular critical response. It's full on, certainly not for the faint of heart, and I'm really nervous about how I'm gonna go with that. I'm not sure why I'm so unsure about this - I keep reminding myself that I have experience, but I have experience with different work than this. This is a lot more full on and I'm pretty terrified!

This move has driven home one thing to me - it's definitely time to pull my socks up! Work will be work, and home will be home - there will be very little if any cross over. I'm glad about that, because my home life is SO good right now :) Our house is getting those little personal touches we wanted and I'm carving out a nice little world here. It's time to work to live, not live to work!

In prep for the weeks ahead Im doing a clean out this weekend - my walk in wardrobe has become a walk in hazard, so I'm cleaning it out and I'm going to clean out the linen cupboard too. I'm going to get all my washing up to date, get started on my next assignment, have drinks with friends and go to church on Sunday. I'm going to plan my lunches for the week and do a decent grocery shop, and i'm going to make sure that I'm prepared for the change of pace.

It's what I've studied for and worked for all these months, and I've been whinging that I want back in the game. I just REALLY hope I don't disgrace myself!!!!!!

And So, Here We Go, Blog 2.0!

Phew! It's been a big few days trying to set this up! Thanks to Blog.com and its technical issues I have relocated! Hooray! Hopefully Blogger will provide a more reliable platform from which to operate! For any new readers out there, here's a bit about me. 

I'm currently 30 years old, I'm a proud home owner in a town I've wanted to live in practically my whole life. Living the dream so to speak LOL I also have an anxiety disorder, depression and post traumatic stress thanks to my childhood. I won't go into details but let's just say its somethings a daily struggle. I am an artist, a singer and I'm studying my masters in counselling. I have three amazing best friends and a bunch of gorgeous ppl in my life who I consider God's compensation for my family growing up! I have a very strong faith, but as you'll see that faith is regularly tested. I believe this is because God has big things for me in the future, though I couldn't tell you what that is going to be! 

So now we have that out of the way on to today - the last few days have been a bit of a roller coaster. I found out Monday morning after getting back from my last stint to Sydney that I'm being shifted to the other side of the office - which means case responsibility and a massive increase in pressure. Now, don't

 get me wrong, its not a job I'm unfamiliar with, I used to be a case manager in Qld, and I'm very familiar with what that means. But perhaps that's the problem - I know what that means. It's the opposite of "better the devil you know" - sometimes ignorance really can be bliss!

So, a little increased stress, and today was a bad day thanks to a massive neck problem - I've pinched something, or dislocated something, or something....who knows - all I know is that it HURTS :( 

Tomorrow I'll be moving desks, another opportunity to move on into something new. It seems my life is full of "new seasons" - you would think that would be a good thing, but I cannot say it always is. Take church for example, last weekend I went somewhere new. It was ok, pretty stock standard. And for the first time, I liked slipping in the back door and then slipping back out again without anyone cornering me and making me have the "small talk" coversation with them. I get sick of that sometimes. I liked not being asked to do anything, not being invited to anything, not being asked all the usual questions - where do you work, what do you do, how long have you been in town etc etc. I was anonymous. And there was something comforting about that. I can't really explain that other than to say I REALLY didn't want any attention. Maybe I will in the future - I miss having a church family and a group of friends. But for now, I'm just treating church as between me and God. No middle man. Or woman. 

I really hate it when a pastor sms's u claiming that you've been "on their heart" lately and that they're "praying for you" - translation - you haven't been to my church in a few weeks and I want to know why. They know that's what it means, I know thats what it means, and yet I'm somehow supposed to be touched???? I dont think so! I'm so sick of pastors who just want bums on seats - the only time they pay attention to you is when you DONT show up. Perhaps that's part of the reason why I'm enjoying just going to church. No expectation, no obligation, just going to church because I want to go to church. Period.