Me 2.0

I had the most beautiful day today! I slept in til when I naturally woke up, I basically fluffed around this morning then got dressed and was picked up for lunch with a most beautiful friend :) :) we had a lovely day, shopping, and eating, and drinking coffee, and catching up on all the goss :)

One thing that happened to me today really struck me - as we were talking, my mobile phone rang. I looked down, took note of who it was, and something changed in me....I realised that I was having too much fun to interrupt it by answering the phone. So I didn't. And it turns out it was just as well I didn't. It felt good to take control over my time, and invest in people worth investing in.

Later today I also had the opportunity to put in some boundaries around my personal life vs my working life. And it felt really really really good :) :)

Then I was given a lovely compliment about work, and I felt even better...

Today I just felt really proud of who I am. I really like who I am when I am around the friend I spent time with today :) It's like I'm funny, and relaxed, and comfortable, and more MYSELF than I am around other people I know. I can be totally honest and confident that she's not going to take stuff the wrong way. I don't second guess myself when we're hanging out. I want more of THOSE kinds of friends - though I know they're rare! I think I can count the friends that truly make me feel like that on one hand!

Plus I feel proud of how far I've come. I have my ups and downs, and lately I've had more downs than ups, and I've lost a few people on the way which has blindsided me at times - but through it all I've learnt how to recognize good relationships from the not so good relationships, and I've realised that instead of opening myself up to everyone I come across, I can be selective with who I spend my time on, and how. I can say no and be ok. I can put boundaries in place and be ok - and if people don't like that, then they're not worth me knowing anyways.

I've learnt to really LISTEN to myself and to others. I've all of a sudden realised that people I thought were friends are really more interested in themselves than in anyone else. I've noticed that the equal give and take is just not there with some people. It's like, as soon as they've run out of things to say about themselves all of a sudden they gotta go.....yeah....right!

I've dissected my recently failed friendships and I've come to realise that at some point along the way I've seen red flags and felt a "kick" in my gut that should have told me that things were not right. I haven't listened to that, and as a result I've had my heart ripped out a couple of times. I could have saved myself a fair bit of heartache if I had listened to myself, so I'm committed to not having that happen to me again.

I haven't finished this journey yet, I've still got a LONG way to go, and I certainly haven't learnt how to really keep my emotions in check....but I do feel like I've grown a bit lately. I feel good knowing that I'm good at my job and I'm starting to rebuild myself into a more confident, healthier and more mentally harmonious person :)


Until next time!!

Between the stroke and the slap.....

Last night I was watching a documentary done by Louis Theroux where he was talking to paroled sex offenders in Los Angeles. These are people I read about every single day - deviant, deceptive people who prey on the young and innocent to gratify themselves with little or no regard for what their actions might do to others.

They're scum. Absolutely no doubt about it. How can I think anything else?

But one thing one of them said really struck me. He described his father as a "piece of shit" and his mother an "angel" and described being slapped on one side of his face and stroked upon the other. He broke down in tears, and in total anguish said " I'm tired of making decisions. I'm tired or not knowing which one's a stroke and which one's a slap."

It was one moment of total and complete honesty that really hit me, because in that moment I completely and totally understood what this man was talking about. He was describing my life.

Now dont get me wrong, there is NO excuse for this man's actions. None. Nada. Zip.

What I do identify with is this sense of complete and total confusion, uncertainty, bliss and pain. This was my childhood. On the one hand, I had a really lovely relationship with my grandparents, and lived a very privaledged existence in a way - I always had food on the table, a roof over my head, clothes, went to private school, and really had a very sheltered upbringing picking flowers and drawing rainbows.

And on the other hand, I had an alcoholic abusive father who beat up my mother verbally and physically, and after she left turned on me. As a child, I lived in constant fear, exacerbated even further by the persistent secret keeping between my parents and my grandparents - there was so many things I had to keep from my grandparents and vice versa, and any time I let slip something I shouldn't have said I would either dissolve into panic, or walk around with a sick, heavy, burning pain in my gut that sooner or later word would get back to the other and I'd be yelled at, belittled, slapped or hit. I was literally living between the stroke and the slap. I never knew what was coming next, I never knew what kind of mood my father and mother would be in.

As I got older and the abuse actively turned on me, this fear and panic deepened as the consequences got more serious and the violence became more frequent. I lived in a very lonely prison, and I was definitely not my own best friend.

I have come a LONG way since then, but every once in a while that panic and fear sets back in. And in little things too.....little worries, little fears. The other morning I accidentally broke a glass on the floor at work and just like I did when I was five I started apologising profusely and panicked a little...i pulled myself together, but it really took me straight back into that place. Sometimes I feel like I'm a world away from where I used to be, but in moments like that it's right there.

So what's my point? Well, I guess the point is that we abhor physical and sexual abuse, we are disgusted with violence against children. We condemn those who perpetrate bruises, broken bones, scratches, welts, sprains....I just wish that the same disgust could be shown for the true horror that is emotional, mental and spiritual abuse that is perpetrated upon children every single day through sheer uncertainty and instability in the home. I wish I could adequately describe for others the profound impact this kind of environment can have on a child, then on the pre teen, the teen, the young adult, the adult, the middle aged person, the old person. Children are sponges, they absorb the emotional life of their parents - when you take out your frustrations, pains, hurts onto your children, or ask them to keep secrets, you are creating permanent scars that no one can see. For you, it's one bad day. For them, it's a lifetime of confusion.

Sometimes it's not the stroke OR the slap that causes us pain - sometimes its having to live in between them both.

Oh Mother Where Art Thou?

As a married woman of nearly 11 years with no children, motherhood is something that still mystifies me a little bit. Of course, being my age and having been married a while I've long since been through the inevitable "so....when will you start a family?" "Are you thinking about it?" "if you are, what time line?" "Will you do IVF if you can't?" "What about fostering?" "Will you adopt?" - the list is endless!

A beautiful friend of mine posted something on Facebook the other day about time, and I noticed immediately someone else posted about not having any time because they have children - this got me thinking about how defensive we as women can become about motherhood and whether we have time or not. Most women who haven't had children would argue that their time is already pretty stretched, and I would definitely fall into that category - it always feels as if while I'm devoting time to one thing I'm neglecting something else. Kind of a like a juggler who has one more ball in the air then they can handle - you have to drop one, or you risk dropping them all!

Now, if you talk to women who HAVE had one or more children, they of course would argue that as a childless woman they had HEAPS more time then they do with children. And of course I have no doubt that it seems that way - though I'd argue that perhaps its more about a priority SHIFT rather than the addition of more time sucking activities! The defense of our right to choose whether we have children or not is so wrapped up in our identity of being a woman that it's really hard to comfortably sit with either choice. On the one hand you have women who have children. They talk endlessly about first words, first steps, behaviour management, stain removal, craft projects, car pools and soccer games. They wear joggers and sweats and pull their hair back in ponytails and barely manage a touch of lip gloss. They swap recipes, and have a role in society that is easily categorised and accepted. They are the pictures of love, and patience, and have some kind of innate patience that childless women cannot understand. They swirl for me in an aura of importance - in a mist of mothers instinct that somehow they got impregnated with the moment they gave birth - an instinct that I for some unknown reason have never possessed. They know true pain. They are the warriors who worry, pray, clean and cook their way through life and who have to give up certain things in order to pay attention to their children and thereby are left with the vacume of the life unlived - the balls that have to drop.....

Hobbies....plop.......self care......plop......date nights......plop......coffee with friends (dare I say especially with friends who DONT have children).....plop......sense of identity outside of being a mother....plop.....careers......plop......

Then there's the rest of us, those that for whatever reason have not shed the 'fruits of our loins' (ha ha!). We disenfranchised few who hover at the edges of womanhood...even if you're married its impossible to escape the endless questions and the pitying head nods and blanched smiles at the quiet "no, no children" that inevitably follows. Those with children envy our project rooms, our craft activities, our scrapbooking, singing, rehearsals, yoga classes, gym sessions, coffee dates and late night dinners. Our time is, in some contexts, viewed as less valuable than those with blossoming families - after all, a woman with children asking for time off to deal with a sick child, or to spend Christmas with her thriving clan has all the legitimacy in the world.....but take a woman with no children needing time off to tend to a sick friend or spend Christmas with their parents and somehow that is slightly less powerful. More than once I've been at work and have heard someone or other being nominated to go out on a late night job because they dont have children, and it always makes my blood boil just a little. Not because I necessarily disagree that tending to your children should take precedence - I don't - not even a little bit. What I do object to however is the idea of putting someone up for the job JUST because they don't have kids. After all, time is time, whether you have children or not, and we all don't have enough. And, just like women who HAVE children, we have our own balls that drop......

Playdates with friends who DO have kids.....plop.......the laughter and fulfilment that comes with children....plop.....societal expectations.......plop.......mother's groups.......plop......passing on your legacy to the next generation......plop.....preconcieved ideas of the role of a woman.....plop......the unconditional love of a child......plop

It's powerful stuff to think of a life without children. I don't see one or the other choice as better or worse than each other, just really different. Both carry their own regrets, their own sense of loss, their own pros and cons. The reality is I don't know whether I can have children or not. I may not be able to. The jury is still well and truly out - I can't even try for children for another 8+ months. I don't know what set of balls I have to drop yet, and I don't know whether I want to drop either. But inevitably I cannot keep all the balls in the air - either I'll grow too old to have children, or my body will reach a weight where I do fall pregnant, or I'll find out at some point in the future that motherhood will not happen for me.

The only thing I know for sure is that time, like many things, is relative,  and this morning while a saucepan of milk on the stove boiled over while I was trying to make coffee and I was moving my puking cat from the carpet to the tiles and then consequently clean up cat puke from my floor I was reminded yet again that even without children sometimes we just don't have the ability to keep the balls in the air.

So I cleaned up the cat puke, and the boiled over milk, I took a moment to thank God for the fact that I DON'T yet have children, and I accepted the notion that sometimes the balls have to drop. The most important thing is not whether you let things drop, but whether you pick them back up and carry on!

Top 100 Books Everyone Should Read

Tonight I sat down with my husband to watch a movie called the Equalizer and in it Denzel's character talks about his wife working her way through the Top 100 Books to Read Before You Die list.....and I thought, what a great idea!

So, in an effort to expand my mind and improve myself, I thought I'd do the same. Finding a definitive list was hard, and the movie doesn't state a source (of course, it's a movie!) so I went hunting and finally settled on a list called "100 Novels Everyone Should Read" posted by the Telegraph in the UK. So, to begin, I'm posting the list so you can follow along with me - I'll blog at least once on every book (or at least try to!). Here we go:

1. Middlemarch by George Eliot
2. Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
3. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
4. The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James
5. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
6. In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust
7. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
8. Disgrace by JM Coetzee
9. Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
10. Don Quixote by Miguel de Cevantes
11. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
12. Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
13. David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
14. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
15. The Code of the Woosters by PG Wodehouse
16. Brighton Rock by Graham Greene
17. Tess of the D'Ubervilles by Thomas Hardy
18. Scoop by Evelyn Waugh
19. The War of the Worlds by HG Wells
20. Tristram Shandy by Laurence Sterne
21. 1984 by George Orwell
22. A Passage to India by EM Forster
23. Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
24. Ulysses by James Joyce
25. The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins
26. Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell
27. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
28. Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
29, Life: A User's Manual by Georges Perec
30. Atonement by Ian McEwan
31. Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky
32. A Dance to the Music of Time by Anthony Powell
33. Clarissa by Samuel Richardson
34. The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler
35. Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis
36. Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
37. The Warden by Anthony Trollope
38. The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald
39. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
40. The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton
41. The Hound of the Baskervilles by Arthur Conan Doyle
42. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
43. The Rabbit Books by John Updike
44. Nausea by Jean-Paul Sartre
45. The Voyeur by Alain Robbe-Grillet
46. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie by Muriel Spark
47. The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera
48. Go Tell it on the Mountain by James Baldwin
49. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
50. Beloved by Toni Morrison
51. Underworld by Don DeLillo
52. The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
53. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
54. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
55. Austerlitz by WG Sebald
56. The Tin Drum by Gunter Grass
57. The Glass Bead Game by Herman Hesse
58. The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano
59. London Fields by Martin Amis
60. One HUndred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. My Name is Red by Orhan Pamuk
62. Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
63. The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
64. The Cairo Trology by Naguib Mahfouz
65. Dr Zhivago by Boris Pastermak
66. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
67. The Bend in the River by VS Naipaul
68. Crash by JG Ballard
69. If On a Winter's Night a Traveller by Italo Calvino
70. The Leopard by Guiseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa
71. The Dream of the Red Chamber by Cao Xueqin
72. Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant by Anne Tyler
73. All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Remarque
74. Waiting for the Mahatma by RK Narayan
75. Cider with Rosie by Laurie Lee
76. The Trial by Franz Kafka
77. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
78. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Caroll
79. Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys
80. Oscar and Lucinda by Peter Carey
81. The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco
82. The Stranger by Albert Camus
83. Germinal by Emile Zola
84. The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas
85. The Red and the Black by Stendhal
86. Old Goriot by Honore de Balzac
87. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
88. Eugene Onegin by Alexander Pushkin
89. The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing
90. Under the Net by Iris Murdoch
91. The Tale of Genji by Lady Murasaki
92. Cold Comfort by Stella Gibbons
93. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy by John le Carre
94. Midnight's children by Salman Rushdie
95. The Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
96. One Thousand and One Nights Anonymous
97. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
98. The Home and the World by Rabindranath Tagore
99. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
100. The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkein

I am under no illusions that this won't be a monumental task, taking me years - however I feel like there are so many books that I should have read that I haven't, it's about time I change that! Also, the other rule I'm putting in place is that even if I have read it before I'm reading it again - I want to be able to blog on them anyways, and it's about really digesting the stories.... I've put in bold the few books that I already own, and these will be the "back ups" for when I haven't been to the library. I thought I might start with Pride and Prejudice, partially because its a favourite and partially because I have it readily available to start tonight :) I'll update on my progress every once in a while - feel free to copy my list and start your own literary adventures! Happy reading!!!

Til next time.....

How Beautiful, How Blessed....

I had the most incredible weekend last weekend - hung out with friends and met some new people, had a really great time laughing and giggling :) I came home Monday and was looking forward to the week ahead knowing that it would be a full on week!

And, I was right!!! It's been very full on! Yesterday I had a number of appointments and went to see a band with my mate Cheryl and one of her friends and that was heaps fun :) I walked around the festival for a bit, just soaking it all in. Today I was downtown just after 7am for coffee with the lovely Jeanette and one of her friends, and then we went to Diggers to see the Bob Corbett band and then generally walk around and again soak it all up :) we walked basically the whole length of peel street, stopping to listen to buskers along the way or look at items in the stalls that lined the streets. It was a beautiful hot summer's day and we got to see heaps of very cool stuff that you pretty much wont see anywhere else in the country other than Tamworth :)

I feel very blessed to live here. I know locals whinge and moan and groan about the festival, but the truth is I live in a beautiful quiet regional city that comes alive every January with the most glorious cacophony of noises, sights and smells. It's busker against busker, amplifier against amplifier, street performer against street performer where every gimmick that can be pulled out to draw in the crowds is paraded down peel street. I noticed that quite a few buskers this year bring their own dancers - kind of like spruikers who try and get the crowd watching to clap, dance and hopefully part with their cash. Today I saw both good and bad examples of buskers, including a rather pushy and frankly, a little rude, bloke with a kelpie that was doing tricks (he was singling out people who left before the end of the show, saying that they were rude for not thanking him or, better yet, giving him money. He was even telling them how MUCH he thought his show was worth and basically bullying people into giving him money...puhlease....).


It can be irritating, the amount of cars and people that fill the city, but there's something really special about it. It's the only festival I've been to where every single person who comes can participate equally, and where everyone is accepted. There's a complete cross section of society there every day, and everyone's united by one thing - wanting to hear good music and loving the festival :) Everyone's pretty friendly, and considering how packed the city becomes most of them are pretty easy to get along with. There's a whole heap of "characters" who come to the festival to sell their wares or just perform their songs, and that includes a bunch of kids who come to busk in the streets. I really love it, I love hearing the undiscovered talent lining the streets (of course, some more talented than others!!). Today in the space of 15 minutes I saw a performing cattle dog, a whip cracking stockman, a celtic fiddling band complete with their own dancer, a slim dusty "sound a like" and the McClymonts (an internationally renowned country music act) and I didn't pay a cent for the privilege. Tomorrow I will take my fold up chair and a couple of drinks and head down to bicentennial park where I will see the grand final of the starmaker competition, a bunch of other acts and my childhood idol Lee Kernaghan and again, I will not pay a cent to do so......and at the end of it I won't be camping out somewhere, I'll head home to my own bed! How can I possibly complain about that??? I spent the better part of my childhood fantasizing about the day I got to go to the country music festival just ONCE - I've been every year since 2013 :) I get to LIVE here :) :) Not bad considering how long we dreamed of moving to Tamworth and buying a house and settling down :) :)

It's good to remind myself of my blessings - after all sometimes it's easy to forget in the minutia of life that there's so much more out there for me than the gloominess I get caught up in. I'm blessed with beautiful friends, a beautiful city, and frankly a beautiful life :) and I'll hold on to this gratitude as long as I can :)


Until next time!

Goodbye my Friend....

Here's my diary entry from Friday.....in honour of friends loved and lost over the years

Goodbye my friend. Our memories
I'll carry in my heart with me.
Just when I thought your trust I'd earned
Time presses on, I live and learn.

Goodbye my friend, I never thought
I'd see the changes time has wrought
The bitterness and pain I see
shine from your eyes when you look at me.

Whatever wrongs have gone before
have ruined us - we are no more.
The friendship that I cherished so
In one fell swoop I see it go

I am discarded no longer of use
And after small words and hurled abuse
Instead of fighting, or holding too tight
I'll walk away without the fight

No arguments or words I say
Would ever convince you to stay
It's all too easy to start anew
With people who don't challenge you

Goodbye my friend I'll slip away
And not a word of malice say
I wish you well, our hearts will mend
I'll miss you so...

Goodbye my friend.


Pamela Tough
January 20 2015

Another one bites the dust...

So, this Friday I suffered yet another broken down friendship....and this one was quite a shock. I could sit here and whinge and moan and groan and blather on about why they're wrong and I'm right, but what good would that do? At the end of the day, no matter how flat you make a coin it has both sides and the reality is I'm sure for every argument I come up with as to why I'm right they'd do the same thing right back at me. The truth is no one is perfect, and far be it from me to say anything bad at all about anyone.

That's why I have said nothing. I said nothing to the friend we were meant to be visiting together this weekend, I have said nothing to anyone at work, I've kept my big fat mouth shut. There's only two friends I have confided in, and even then I carefully chose my words because I want to be a better person. I want to be someone who wouldn't say something bad about people, and after the last few months I realise just how far I've fallen in this area. I used to be someone who would always see the good in people, and who would try to forgive. But somewhere along the line, my innocence has dissipated and has been replaced with cynicism and it was only after I got out of this latest friendship that I realised the dark and dreary outlook on the world I had adopted had come from that very relationship. Not that I blame them. After all, I am in charge of guarding my heart and my character and my relationship with Jesus. They're not responsible for that, I am, and I've been rather neglectful of late.

Driving home from Sydney today I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a car that said "Love it or leave it" with the Australian flag on it. Setting aside the obvious debate over racism and immigration etc etc it got me thinking about how people relate to each other these days. Friendships and marriages both these days seem to be so temporary - and its got me wondering when relationships became so disposable? The minute you say or do something the other person doesn't like, it's like they just jump at the opportunity to ditch the friendship and move on. I guess its like our consumerism and how we're so ready to throw things away....always upgrading, always trading for something bigger, better, more convenient, more comfortable, less hard. When did we stop working on our relationships?

I feel really sad when I think about how quickly we discard people - it's like as soon as they've served their purpose its all done and you just move on. Instead of making yourself a little uncomfortable and actually have a conversation with the person to sort out the argument its easier to just hit delete, block, and move on to relationships that don't challenge us, or stretch us - but in doing so, do we lose the opportunity to learn something? Do we lose a potentially amazing friendship that could have lasted a lifetime?

I admit, I'm at a bit of a loss to know what to do now. I've been blocked from facebook, and as I'm off work for a week there won't really be any opportunity for contact until next week at the earliest, and even then I have no idea what that will look like. How will they act towards me? Will they speak to me? Will they ignore that I exist? And how will I respond? Without any closure at all, the whole thing is just left hanging in the air without any end, and it's hard to know how to proceed. And as a Christian, what SHOULD I do? The attack came out of a very small disagreement we were having, and before I knew what had happened things had blown up in my face. It wasn't something I had intended to happen, and it wasn't even something I saw coming - it completely blindsided me. Should I have conducted myself better? I have NO doubt at all. Can the relationship be repaired? With God anything is possible....these questions are there, but the one that hangs heavy in my heart is should it?

I had to really examine myself, and this friendship, and I came to realise that perhaps this relationship wasn't something I should be fighting for. I didn't like who I was around this person, suspicious, gossipy and bitter. They weren't lifting me up, or challenging me to be a better version of myself.  If the person were here, they'd easily take my inventory (and in part did when the argument occurred) and I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty either. That's not the point anyways. The point is that I had been changed, I had turned into someone I didn't recognise, and I became very depressed over the last couple of weeks as a result. It was only after the friendship ended that I realised this was where it all came from.

So, now what? Well, that's a really great question! I won't ever truly know why things have happened the way they have, and I wont ever understand why some people have come and gone from my life. What I do know for sure though, is that sometimes God's greatest gifts truly are unanswered prayers - sometimes the biggest blessing that God can give us when it comes to relationships is a broken one because it means there's room in my life for other relationships where I grow and learn. It's so so hard to let go, it's really tough to admit that the friendship truly is over and done with - but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it's something that God has allowed to happen to me for a reason. And when I figure out the reason, I'll let you know!

Until next time,