Just a little ache...

I adore Tamworth, my house is gorgeous, my job is not bad, I make good money and I have a good life.

The only catch is......

I really, really miss these ppl. 

That is all. 

Coming up short....

Ok for those who have met me, no short jokes please! :P

Today I failed the grade. I know it, and God knows it. I was in the lunch room making lunch and having a well earned break after a morning of full on mayhem, when our head of admin walked in to make himself a cup of tea. He made a comment something to the effect of "you know, when I started this job I thought so long as I come in to work everyday and make a difference I'll keep coming in to work. After 40 years I've realised that I don't make a difference so it's becoming harder and harder to justify coming to work".

In that moment I had two thoughts. The weaker of the two, and the one I ended up choosing to articulate was something to the effect of "well, I have a mortgage that's why I come to work"

The truth is, and please excuse my french, but that answer was bullsh!t.

What I should have said was this.

There's been a LOT of media coverage in NSW recently about children dying through abuse or neglect, often children who are known to the department of communities. I work in human services, and I have four years of child protection experience in Qld, so I will be the FIRST to say that perhaps I'm a little bit biased in my position. I am also extremely aware of the flaws in both the Qld and NSW systems. I live with those flaws everyday, but I also have to figure out a way to sleep at night. Despite all of those children and all of that media coverage, I dont think about those children.

I think about the kids that got fed last week because I organised food for them. I think about the children who don't have to continue witnessing domestic violence. I think about the teenagers I've worked with who are now facing their future with at least some kind of hope because I helped them out with some furniture, or a laptop, or a drivers licence. I think about what would happen to those children if my job didn't exist.

It's true, I cannot make a difference to all the children who need it. And the reality is my job is fairly expendable, and I can always be replaced by someone else who will one day step in and do the same thing and deal with the same crap and flaws and bureaucratic rubbish that I do every single day. But if I can put my hand to the cases in front of me and do something, however small to improve the lives of children who are in need, then I have a reason to get out of bed every day. God put me in this job, and I know there's a reason for that. I don't know what that reason is, and frankly I've given up needing to know. All I know is that I'm called to honour that, and I'll keep honouring that as long as God wants me to.

That's what I should have said. I know God forgives me, and I'll come out swinging tomorrow.

Til next time :)

Press in or check out....

So, this week has been a real roller - coaster, but like all trials and tribulations, there's a lesson to be found! Let me explain....

So, when I was working in Queensland I steered clear of the investigative stuff. I don't deal very well with conflict, and it's against my nature to deliberately antagonise people for the sake of being blunt. I fluff and I fudge and I try to keep everything softly softly and nice. That was ok while I was in Qld, because I didn't work in that kind of role. 

Enter 2013 - I move from one side of the office to the other and suddenly conflict becomes a very real and normal part of my day. I float for a few weeks but this week...well, I hate to say it but I choke. 

Honestly, truly, hair-ball the size of a grapefruit choked. Unfortunately I have a manager who suffers no fool and takes no prisoner, so needless to say the debrief was like being at the dentist getting a root canal. 

I was pretty demoralised, and really really low. I began to panic that perhaps I was in the wrong place, the wrong job, the wrong time, the wrong everything. I fretted and worried that I wasn't cut out for this job, and that I would bomb out and end up having to quit or be fired. Then we'd lose the house and I'd be out of work etc etc etc. I worried that I'd have to change who I am in order to do this job, or I'd have to give up this beautiful life that I'd worked so hard to get. I'm soft, I know I'm soft, but I don't know whether that's something I would even want to change. 

I agonized over this for days and the advice I was given from several sources all said the same thing: I needed to at least raise the issue and see what my oh so intimidating manager had to say on it. AS someone who doesn't like conflict this was rather a tall order, but I figured at this point I had nothing to lose. So this morning we have a team meeting, and when my manager says "has anyone else got anything they wanted to put out there" I shocked myself and blurted out "I'd like to add something" and then I told everyone how I'd been struggling with this new role and how I hadn't really done much second work, (aka being a secondary worker for someone else having the pointy ended conversations if you know what I mean) and how if anyone was going out on those sorts of jobs I'd be happy to second them. I explained that in Qld I had avoided investigation and assessment because it's not my strong suite and I wanted to try and upskill myself to deal with the challenges of this job. 

The response I was met with both at the meeting and again later that day when I sat down with my manager for a meeting was to say the least shocking. My manager told me in no uncertain terms that my casework was "exemplary" and that she couldn't fault me on that aspect of my job. She said I had summed up my struggles beautifully, and that she had already taken action to ensure I could second more front line work in the future. She told me that in terms of engaging with other services I had done more since I started than any worker she'd ever seen. 

The lesson.....despite the patterns my parents laid out for me of running away when things get hard sometimes it's better to press in than check out. God always knows what He's doing, and if He's put me in this job then I just have to trust that He will help me skill up to be able to do it effectively. I really learnt my lesson today - never second guess what God has given to you. Even if something seems completely overwhelming God is so much bigger than anything I'm going through. 

Perhaps next time I'll think twice before I question whether I'm in the right place and the right time. He knows better than I :) 

Til next time!! 

Selling Out

I've often heard it said in church circles that someone is "sold out" for Jesus. This is considered a compliment, but it was difficult to even find a definition for the term that could come close to what would be meant by this. I wanted to know what it means to be "sold out" for Jesus.

Today in church we learnt about Jesus healing a blind man as detailed in John 9. I've heard this story, a LOT and I've probably read it dozens of times. But for some reason I never really cottoned on to what happened next in the story.

First of all, the disciples were looking for an earthly reason as to why the man was blind - they were looking for someone to blame. Too often when things dont make sense to us, when things are unjust or unfair we try to look for reasons in the person's past for that person to have been punished so. The truth is, bad stuff happens. And it's not fair, it's not right, and it often makes me really really angry. But, the message in the first half of this scripture is that bad stuff can and will be used to glorify God. What the enemy intends for evil, God always intends for good. If the man hadn't been blind, Jesus wouldn't have been able to show God's glory through this miraculous healing and the message of Jesus' tru identity is revealed.

Of course, this doesn't make the pharisees very happy. Anyone stating that they are the Son of God is not only a challenge to their beliefs but in their culture is deserving of punishment. They investigate the claims of the healed man, but couldn't get the answers they wanted. The truth stood, as it always did, and the man's testimony was far more powerful than their interrogations. In John 9:24-25 the Pharisees ask the man to confirm that Jesus is a sinner. The healed man replies "whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!" For this he was thrown out of the church, becoming in Jewish society an outcast.

I've always thought that being sold out for Jesus meant standing on a street corner screaming for people to repent, or going to some far off country to do missionary work or something radical like that. And it certainly can be. But this healed man did nothing other than tell the truth. He was asked, and he told the truth.

God puts us where we are for a reason, and sometimes instead of wishing we could be radical for Jesus all we really need to do is stand up and tell the truth. Our testimony is far more powerful than anything the enemy can throw at us anyways!

For Such a Time as This.....

So, I heard a song called "One more Time" by Michael W Smith on the radio the other day and there was a couple of lines in the song that really spoke to me. I have already shared them on Facebook but I wanted to share them here.....


"This is what you're made for
Standing in the downpour
Knowing that the sun will shine


Forget what lies behind you Heaven walks beside you
You got to give it one more try
One more time"




A thought came to me as I was listening to this song - for years now, actually pretty much ever since I started working in child protection four and a half years ago, I've always said to myself that my work is only a stepping stone onto some kind of job that "really matters" - something in counselling, or in ministry, or both. Something world changing. Something more spiritual.


But listening to this song, I felt God say to me "this is what you're made for... - this is where I put you, you're mine and you're exactly where I want you to be".


There are some people who are made to stand on the mountain tops, there are some people who are made to fly with the eagles. And there are some people who were made to stand in the mud and hold others up. Perhaps God's answer is not to bring me OUT of the mud, but rather give me the strength to stand where others cannot. Perhaps it is my job to endure the hard stuff WITH my faith, rather than using my faith as a "get out of the muck" free card. It's so easy to forget that while you're waiting for God to answer perhaps He already has....God's answer for me may not be a new job or a more spiritual job. God's answer for me just might be to teach me to operate as a Christian woman, showing Jesus' love to the clients I work with in the job I have right now. Maybe one day I'll get a new job, and maybe I wont. But as I drove home listening to the song and absorbing what God dropped into my spirit, I made a commitment that I'd be the best darned caseworker I could be. Right here right now.


And perhaps standing in the downpour, I can teach some of my clients and even some of my colleague how to believe in the sunshine again :)

Ho hum....

Another weekend is over, and another week is upon me. It doesn't seem to matter how anticipated the weekend is, it's always over too soon. 

This weekend it does feel like time has slowed down a little though and perhaps that's because I've been fighting off a virus so I've been less active than I normally would be. Saturday I spent most of the day prepping for a dinner party with friends which was lovely, and then today I have literally done NOTHING. Like, seriously - NOTHING. Oh, wait, I did do the grocery shopping. But that's it. I've been feeling so lethargic and achey and my throat has a horrible tickle it feels like I'm swallowing gravel!

Despite my best efforts it also meant I had to miss church again. Not by design, but because I didn't want to be spreading my germies all over the place. I really wanted to go though. I'm feeling really down and depressed, so I thought I'd blog some of my favourite things to cheer me up - enjoy!

I have a Holly Hobbie puzzle that I've recently framed and put on my wall in my office - it makes me smile because it reminds me of my childhood :) 

This is apparently called "Pool Party" LOL

Love love love, and did I mention LOVE this dress!

 

I'm doing a bit of research into the "Health at Every Size" movement - it's a bit of a mind shift to what the medical profession will have you think, but so far it seems like the research is pretty sound. We all know that there's plenty of skinny people who are very unhealthy - it's all about health, not size! 

Amen Sista - if the rest of the music profession could think like this there'd be a lot more great music out there and a lot less rubbish! 

I'm still trying to do this.....

Whatever is good.....

The last couple of days I've been very agitated. Last night I had a meltdown over our fire alarms.

Yes, it's not a typo, our fire alarms.

You see, we have fire alarms that go off at ANYTHING other than water being cooked on the stove top. Doesn't matter what it is, doesnt matter what stage of cooking it is in, if it's anything other than water being boiled you're in trouble. While I appreciate the safety this affords us, it's incredibly frustrating when you're just trying to cook dinner, and to top it off the sudden nature of the alarms going off seems to be a really bad trigger for me - it freaks me out!!! Then Brad was getting cranky at the dog, and I just couldn't take it - I felt like there was danger all around me and I just dissolved.

Then today my husband and I sat down to watch a movie and we chose a movie called Harry Brown which we thought would be an ok movie to watch. Unfortunately we were wrong. The violence, swearing, drugs and disgusting scenes in the movie slowly began to disgust me and anger me, and then at one point there's a man who suddenly yells really loud and I lost it - I yelled at brad to turn it off and then had a full blown panic attack. It took me ages to calm down. I couldn't handle the violence or the "base-ness" of what I was seeing. I'm so angry at what is acceptable in this world. I'm so frustrated about what people will accept. It makes me long for a world where drug abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, sex and all manner of catering to the most basic primal pleasures is no longer acceptable: where people stand up and DO SOMETHING. 

I feel like a freak. Like an absolute FREAK in this world. And if I dare say anything I get told to stop being a "prude" and to get a "sense of humor". Today I got told that I have no sense of humor because I didn't find a video on youtube equating being "australian" with being a drunken moron funny - it's become so much a part of our lives that to NOT go out and get drunk, have sex outside of marriage, not swear, not smoke, not to do drugs, lie, cheat, steal or be out only for number one is NOT normal - I'm somehow "going against the grain".....WHY SHOULD IT BE???? Who the hell (emphasis intentional) decided that this was ok??? 

Scripture says in Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things". Perhaps God emphasises this because He knew just how hard that would be. 

We're told not to conform with the world and I can see in my own household evidences of this conforming and I am very angry about it. I see it in me, I see it in my husband, I see it in what we watch, what we listen to, how we act and react. It's not acceptable, it shouldnt be acceptable - and it's time that I take a stand for my little corner of the world. I refuse to bend under the pressure I feel at work to become bitter and cynical. I refuse to conform to the idea that indulging in the things of this world is a good idea. I refuse to comply with the belief that we're only here for this life and we shouldn't be thinking about others. I simply won't accept it.

So, how am I going to do this? So glad you asked!!! Here's my list...

• Time to launch a prayer ATTACK on my workplace - that includes praying during the day, speaking in tounges while I work, prayer in every room and watching my language and my witness to my workmates. 
• From now on I am going to be very careful about what I watch and what I listen to - I will do as scripture says!!
• I need to make Christian friendships a priority because they're sadly lacking in my immediate world - I miss having a church family and I need that back
• I need to prioritise church events over other things rather than always putting them off
• I will no longer hide my witness - I'm Christian and I'm not afraid for others to know it and even challenge it
• I'm going to bake something and take it over to the neighbours - its wrong that we've never met
• my online presence in the short term will probably reduce - I need to start concerntrating on my real world rather than the online world. I'm sick of being addicted to facebook and to being online. It's time I take control over my life. 

I honestly believe that only my relationship with God will heal my bruised spirit right now. But in order for me to tap into that I have to stop isolating myself from others, and I have to most of all concentrate on those things that God values - not what the world values. So this is fair warning - if there's stuff I see that isn't good, pure, noble, lovely I WILL DELETE IT. I won't indulge it anymore. I wish I could be done with this world, but so long as I'm in it I WILL make a difference to my little corner of it.