*Sigh*

I'm going to miss bourbon......


I swear I'm not an alcoholic.....I drink very little but I do OH SO love to have a half strength bourbon and cola at the end of a long day.......

And I'm REALLLLLLYYY gonna miss that.

I know that it's empty calories, I know that its full of sugar blah blah can't have it blah....

I am just gonna miss it.

That's all.

My Plan - Weight Loss Bible Study

So I've started a weight loss bible study specially designed for people who have issues with food (aka ME!) and last night I did the first study which was basically to put together a plan of what I'm going to do. Obviously there's three different scenarios, right now, pre op and post op.

Here's the plan for right now:

My Boundaries (Phase 1)

My goal is to prepare myself for the regime pre and post op by stretching my endurance, elongating the periods I can go without food, and acclimatising myself to the foods I will be allowed to have post surgery.

a) I will have at least one meal replaced by optifast per day (usually breakfast) followed by a period of fasting from all foods (until at least 1pm)
b) I will maintain a high protein, low carb diet
c) I will limit my intake of bread to two slices per day
d) I will phase out all non approved fluids and only drink the fluids allowed to me

How much?
a) I will only eat whole, healthy foods and limit processed foods as much as possible
b) I will only have take out foods once per week
c) I will take my lunch to work each day and make a point of phasing out all junk food, choosing healthy options for snacks etc
d) I will drink 2 litres of water per day


Here's the plan pre op (aka three weeks leading up to surgery):

My Boundaries (Phase 2)

Eating is not a sin. However, eating unhealthily, eating too much, or eating outside of the guidelines assigned to me by my dietician is. Therefore:

a) I will only eat when I am allowed to eat
b) I will only eat when I am genuinely hungry
c) I will only eat what I am allowed to eat according to my dietician (aka opti and approved foods)
d) I will only drink approved fluids

How much?
a) I will only eat what is good and healthy and necessary to sustain me
b) I will only eat according to the guidelines provided to me (3-4 optis, approved vegetables, low joule jelly and approved fluids per day).


Here's the plan post op (post surgery and beyond)

My plan will be to follow strictly all guidelines provided to me by my dietician. I will not deviate from these guidelines, and I will after a time begin to integrate 5 hours per week (1 hour per day) of exercise into my plan also.

a) I will eat small meals often only when I am genuinely hungry
b) I will only eat what I am allowed to eat according to my dietician
c) I will exercise 1 hour per day (when I am allowed to)
d) I will take benefibre daily, a multivitamin daily and I will consume the appropriate amount of water
e) I will use the plate and bowl for every meal and I will stick strictly to the guidelines regarding fluids and portion sizes
f) I will take at least 45 minutes to 1 hour to eat each meal and I will take small bites in doing so

My Secondary Boundary
I will eat all meals at the table without distraction and I will pay mindful attention to what I am eating and how I am eating.

My Role Vs God's Role

Verse                            My Role                                                     God's Role
Romans 12:2                 To renew my mind                                      He will transform me                                                                                                                                            
John 8:31-32                 I must hold to God's teachings                    He will make me a disciple and set me                                                                                                          free from my bondage to food  
John 15:4-5                   I am to remain in God                                He will be with me and make me                                                                                                                 fruitful
John 17:17                    I am to believe and obey God's word         He will sanctify me

2 Corinthians 10:3-5     I am to take captive every thought               God's power will win

I have the assurance that if God is with me, I cannot fail. When I am fearful of failure, when I read stories of others who have not succeeded in keeping the weight off, I will remind myself of God's ability to sustain me and make me successful. I want to be an example to others of God's strength, and in order for me to do the work that God has set out for me I have to be healthy, fit and strong. God wants me to be healthy, he designed for me to be healthy, and He CAN make it so if I am willing to do the work. In my own strength, I will surely fail. In God's strength I can be nothing but victorious.

A Timely Reminder....

We all like to think we're six feet tall and bullet proof.....


Well, I'm not six feet tall......


And I dont think I'm bullet proof!


I saw this on the facebook feed that shows up on my skype (no I haven't returned to Facebook - I just use skype to message people :) and I thought - yeah! It's important for me to take care of myself, now more than ever - so I'm posting this as a timely reminder to myself and to everyone to be kind to yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Protect yourself and nurture yourself because you're worth it. Only when we do this do we have capacity to then give that same love, care and nurturing to others.

Until Next time! 

Sticks and Stones....

Today I had an interesting day. A colleague of mine is going through a bit of a rough time, and I found out this evening that the person responsible has been "talking smack" about me behind my back. She doesn't even know me at all so I couldn't figure out what she could be saying - so I asked.....

And surprise surprise, she picked the one obvious thing - my weight.

It's not the first time I've been the subject of bullying, and not just at school either. I've been seriously abused and bullied in the workplace because of people's prejudices against me because of my weight issues. There are those in this world who will look at someone who is overweight and who will be repelled and disgusted by what they see much like some would be by disabled people or by a certain race, skin colour or any other physical trait. I learnt that the hard way. As shocking as it was for me in the beginning of my adult life, I'm not shocked by it anymore. It's just sad.

It's sad because I think over the past few months I've really grown as a person, and I know that no matter WHAT I weigh, no matter what my physical appearance looks like or how I do my hair, or what I wear, I know I am beautiful inside AND OUT. I am beautiful because of the value God places in me, and because of the beautiful friends I have around me who DO see my worth. Sure I'm not the most popular person on the planet, and sure I dont have a TONNE of friends - I've even had to come to the realisation that people I was close to once I'm not that close to anymore and that's hard - but I am me. I am quirky, and funny, I'm open and I believe I have a heart to help people and to love others. I also believe what the bible says about me, that I am a child of God, that God created me for a purpose and that He loves me EXACTLY the way I am. My worth is not found in what other people think of me and I refuse to let my self esteem and my joy and my peace be disturbed by something so superficial.

This journey has become SO MUCH BIGGER than just the size of my body or the clothes I wear, or even the number of my scales. It's become about saving my life. I see this as a necessary, life saving procedure just like any other, and I know that I will be exactly the same person after I lose the weight as I am right now. I'll just live a longer more active life, and that's what I want.

I guess its because this has become so much bigger that I just dont sweat this stuff anymore. At the end of the day, it says more about her than it does about me and that's the truth. When I turn up to work next week, I wont be treating her any differently than I do now. I'll of course be wary about what I tell her, and everyone for that matter, because obviously there are people in my office who dont have my best interests at heart - but I wont let this stupid thing steal my joy or even taint the way I interact with people. I'll forgive, and move on, and I'll lose the weight for the sake of my health, not because I want some shallow person I don't even know that well and who certainly doesn't know me, to approve of me.

Rockin in Brisvegas!

It's Monday night and I'm completely wiped out....I drove back from Ipswich today, took me most of the day but it was worth it for my epic weekend! I left here early Friday morning only stopping for coffee and a quick toilet stop on the way. I hung out with Bennie in the afternoon, and then met my beautiful girl Liesl for the most AMMAAAZZING night of awesome food, side splitting laughter and the Mrs Browns Boys movie :) :) :) it was by far the most perfect night and I'll never forget it :)

Saturday morning I went to the Artshed (and as usual spent way too much money!) and then raced across town to meet with Angie for coffee and shopping. I was successful in getting some earring converters and some nice earrings so I was really happy about that, and then headed back to Bennie's for a quiet night in (mainly just to recharge, I was pretty stuffed by then!).


Sunday Bennie and I went to church, and then after a quick stop off at Mt Ommaney to the shops and then spent the whole day at Southbank :) it was MAGIC - a GORGEOUS winters day (21 degrees - verrry nice) gorgeous walking along the river, wandering the Sunday markets, just soaking in the laid back atmosphere followed by faabbbulllous fish and chips, a trip to Nitrogenie for the most amazing icecream ever and then the art gallery and a quick stop at the museum! By the time we'd done all this my ankle was protesting, so we went back to Bennies and watched awesome british comedy over dinner :)

The only real dark cloud over the whole weekend was Bennie getting sick :( by the time I left he was coughing up a lung and feeling really awful poor boy! I was a bit worried about money too - being away is so expensive, but I feel like it was worth it because I got to spend time with the people I love most in the whole wide world (apart from Brad of course!)

I feel so blessed....sometimes I think its easy to forget that I DO have really true friends - people who will give up spending the weekend at the V8 supercars with their family to spend time with me....people who will sms me when I forget to sms them just to make sure I got home safe....people who I have known for a really long time....when ur in a new place starting out, its easy to forget that even though those people are not around all the time, they are there :)

Tomorrow I start the next phase of my return to work - 3x5 hour days per week :) I'm glad I'll be doing a bit more, and I guess I'll miss the free time :) It's a gradual return, and I'm happy about that - its what I need to feel normal! Wish me luck!

Until next time...

It's Not Ok!

So today I did something that's made me really proud of myself. A very dear close friend of mine has over a period of time has become distant and several times has really let me down when I've needed them, and today they did so again. In the past I've basically just stewed over it, fretted over it, let the anger and the disappointment eat me up from the inside out and just shut myself off. But today I did something different.

Today I said in big bold letters - ITS NOT OK!

Ok so thats not exactly what I said, but that was the message. I didn't do it in a nasty way, and I phrased things in a very constructive way ie. I feel....I need to tell you that......I am upset......this is disappointing to me because.....

I WAS upset, it didnt change my level of anger or frustration, and it certainly didn't change the emotional reaction - that was exactly the same. But what did change was that for the first time I set an appropriate boundary. I let the person know that I wasn't a door mat, and that I wasn't beyond standing up for myself and expecting more from people. I don't deserve to be second all the time, and for the first time I got angry enough and confident enough to say so.

The result was good and we were able to resolve the issue. I dont pretend to sit here and say that I'm not still a bit angry about it, but they have apologised and I accepted that apology so I'll be moving on from it.

What does this have to do with my gastric sleeve surgery? Well, a lot actually. I've realised that in order for me to get through this I need to surround myself with supportive people who will really BE there for me - who will support me and walk the journey with me. I need to be with people who I can rely upon, who I can call on and know that they'll be a positive supportive influence in my life. It's not just a good thing for me to put together, it's absolutely ESSENTIAL for my success.

Today was the first step in me re-claiming myself - for most of my life I was beaten down, both physically and emotionally, and I was taught that I was not ok. But the truth is, I AM ok. I am ok right now in this moment today. Whether I lose one gram or not, I am ok and I am worth standing up for. The value I place into myself from here on in will be a defining factor in my success through this journey - I am worth investing money, time, and effort into - I am worth those things from others and from myself. Because lets face it, the number one cheerleader in my corner needs to be myself :) if I dont believe in me, how can I expect anyone else to?

Best Photo EVER

OMG I am totally in love with this photo taken at a friend's 30 year wedding anniversary recently!!!!!!!!!!

I love it because it reminds me of the wonderful whacky sense of humour that I and my husband have in our marriage :) :) I'm so grateful for that  - it's the stuff that gets us through all the rubbish that life can deal out sometimes :)

Here's to a life full of giggles :)