OCD or Control Freak?

The last few days I've noticed something, and it doesn't bother me so much as puzzle me. So sit down, strap in and hang on you're in for a bumpy ride through the realm otherwise known as my special brand of neurosis!

I discovered that it's very possible that I just might be teensie little bit, just a smidge, itty bitty speck on the back of a gnat.....controlling.

Yes, I know, you're shocked. Stunned. Your mind is officially blown. You can't think straight at the suggestion of this completely world view changing revelation.

Ok, I know you're not shocked, or stunned, in fact if you know me at all you'll probably think "yeah...and??? tell me something I don't know!" Unfortunately, this was not my reaction! I was actually quite blown away by this.

I've found it difficult to shake the party line I was fed as a kid, that I was lazy and slothish and that I never did anything properly or well. I always just assumed I'd be the kind of person who would do just enough to get by, and despite me being an adult and completely autonomous in shaping the person I am to become in my life I've never been able to see myself in any other way. Yet, I've noticed over the last few days that I'm actually extremely hyper sensitive to my surroundings - they literally change the way I am able to process information and function in my life.

Here's an example, the other day I took two hours of my working day to de-clutter and sort through my workspace. I got rid of stuff, changed around stuff, completely cleared off my desk and was able to streamline my space. I paid attention to how I felt as I made decisions about where things were going to go, and about how I was going to use items I was hanging on to and why. It was, and I'm not being dramatic, a RELIGIOUS experience for me. The process of going through those things was almost more euphoric as how I felt when I'd finished - I went home SINGING and feeling like a million dollars. That got me thinking - I get a mental and physical pay off from de cluttering the space - what IS it about that act that gets me so excited?

Now, I'm not saying I'm OCD to the point where I wash my hands over and over, or dont believe that light switches are turned off - but I am OBSESSED with organisation and changing things around. It's almost like a relief, when I find a project or something to work on I feel like I can breathe again. When I don't have anything like that I get really cranky and upset and grumpy. I NEED to feel like I'm in control of my surroundings, and if I feel like the housework is getting away from me, I will stay up late, put everything else aside, and CLEAN like I'm scratching a damn itch. I can't stop until it's done, no matter what happens.

This is a new aspect of me that I've only just discovered. I'm not sure whether i like it or not, because I hate being dependent upon anything for my own happiness, but at the same time I obviously get something out of it or I wouldn't be doing it. And to be honest, I dont think I want to get rid of it. I like being tidy, I like putting things right in my world, and i especially love the clarity it brings my mind when I'm able to feel in control of my world. The only problem is, life by its very definition is messy. It's chaotic, its disordered, and it's completely out of my control no matter how much I THINK I'm somehow holding the keys to my own life. Have I just traded my stress over feeling like I need to "accomplish" stuff to a need to have everything in order, or is it really all the same thing? I don't feel like I have a massive issue with spare time anymore, but this whole obsession over cleaning, rearranging and de-cluttering might just be a substitute. And the million dollar question is, will I ever find a place of peace where I don't need to obsess over either in order to be happy?

Until next time.....

Happiness Challenge Day 3

Ok so I've been super super slack with my happiness challenge stuff lately, so I'll do my best to make up for lost time :) I'm currently playing a game I discovered called "heartstone" and the challenger I have up at the moment is taking FOREVER to play each turn, so I figure I have plenty of time in between turns to have a look at the next challenge :)



Today's challenge is involving laughter, which is an easy one for me - I LOVE to laugh, and I love comedy, especially ventriloquism and nothing makes me laugh out loud more than this little purple guy - Peanut :) The first time I saw this video, I laughed so hard I nearly threw up and my guts hurt for hours afterwards - I couldn't BREATHE!!!!! So, if you're reading this, take the time to watch - it's completely silly but if you're anything like me you'll love it :) 



Until next time chuckles,

Happiness Challenge Day Two

So this is today's challenge:

"So make an effort today to choose carefully what you put in your mouth; engage in some form of activity (even if it’s just going for a walk); take some time to relax; and/or get to bed nice and early to ensure adequate sleep."

Well, I decided that since its a beautiful, cool rainy night I'd get a nice restful night's sleep.



So goodnight :) :)

Until Next time,

Happiness Challenge - Day One

Hi All :) So 20th of March was the United Nations International Day of Happiness and I signed up to the 7 day Happiness challenge....unfortunately it started right as I was going on my epic Queensland adventure (more of that in future posts!) so as a result I've started the challenge today and I'll be trying my best to complete it over the next seven days.

So, day one's challenge is to do up a collage either digitally or on paper of your dreams and goals. So I've done a digital collage of a few images of things I'd like to have happen in my life. I'll put the collage below and then explain each pic :)

Ok so from the top across.....
1. Peace: both in my life and in my own mind
2. A healthy active life with the inclusion of good quality exercise
3. I want to grow old with my husband and be one of those cute couples who are still in to each other!
4. I want to love myself and have good self esteem
5. I want to have joy in my life :)
6. I want to be eating healthy
7. I want fulfilment in my work
8. I want an active plugged in prayer life and a connected relationship with God
9. An outdoor area that we can enjoy every day
10. An ongoing involvement with music
11. A potting shed art studio :)
12. Trip to Italy
13. Travel to south island in New Zealand
14. I want to have kids and raise a family
15. I want my faith to be greater than my fear
16. I want a golden retriever puppy
17. I want to ensure I have good quality friendships that last my whole life long :)

Well, that's one day down, six to go! Fingers crossed for a happier me! Til next time!

Why I'm not Going to Church (and other reasons I'm labelled a heretic!)

So if you've been reading this blog for a while you'll know that church is a bit of a sore issue for me. Ok, its a LOT of a sore issue with me. Unfortunately I've been through the ringer when it comes to church, and I went from being a misty eyed optimist who thought that church was just wonderful and great and fabulous and perfect to being crushed and becoming cynical and stale and over it. Now more than anything else I'm just confused. I dont really know what to think at this point so I guess I'll just pour out a few thoughts for you all about why I'm struggling with the idea of "church".

1. Trust - or lack thereof.
This is probably the number one problem with me going to church. I find it difficult to trust especially when I feel like people aren't being authentic. I dont know who the pastors are, I don't know whose legit and whose not, I dont even really know what denomination I want to be anymore. I always said that I considered myself "just Christian" but I've also always gone to pentacostal churches. Lately I have been questioning whether that's a good choice for me anymore, or whether perhaps there's somewhere else for me where I can be myself. I've been burned by pastors who we thought were legit and turned out to be just in it for themselves and I think that's really affected me. I dont trust that pastors have their congregation's agendas above their own - and I feel like any church I go to there's always something that puts me on edge these days, whether it be the focus of a sermon, a comment about tithing or something else. I feel like pastors pump themselves up and are only focused on numbers of people and numbers of tithes rather than the quality of interactions. The church I have been going has the slogan "1000 strong reaching 1000's more" which granted, is a fine goal, but I feel like a focus just on numbers forfeits a focus on feeding those who already attend and making sure they're taken care of.

2. "The Church" aka "The People" - I feel very uncomfortable in church settings these days. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, or alternatively like I'm invisible. No one sees me, no one wants to see me, people just walk by me and dont bother. And even if people do see me its always the same...I have to put on the "happy church face" and talk about the weather and my job and how blessed I am yadda yadda yadda. It's all such crap. It feels fake to me, phoney and a real "show" for sunday morning. I dont want to be fake. I want a real church experience where I feel fed and nurtured and safe. I dont get that anymore, and I miss it. I feel like everyone puts on such an act for church I never get to know anyone really.

3. Un-reality - I feel like going to church is like stepping out of reality for a while - you put on your happy face, you play the part, you raise ur hands when ur supposed to, bow ur head when you're supposed to, pull out your iphone, tablet or bible and look interested when ur supposed to, and then you navigate the gauntlet to get out of the building without someone stopping you and commenting on how they "missed you" at some event and then pause expentantly for some pat answer that you know is false, or worse they see your left hand and inevitably give you that look of pity and ask "so you're husband isn't a believer" and then you have to try and explain in 30 words or less why ur husband just isn't into church to which they always pat your hand and say "oh well we'll add him to our prayers dear" -  and then there's always the awkward goodbyes from people standing at the doorway ready to pounce on you to try and offer you coffee, because despite you having been there for weeks they still think you're new - and then when you finally get out the door and get back to your car you're so exhausted that any refreshment you got from the service is gone - so you drag urself home, telling urself that you did the right thing and gave time to God when in reality you wish you'd stayed home and gotten some housework done because that would have been more productive. Then you feel bad. *sigh* this is my experience of church these days. I just dont want to do it anymore. And I keep telling myself I should, and I feel awfully condemned for not going, and I pray and I bargain and I plead with God to renew my mind and take me back to that more innocent time when church was fun and friendly and warm. I tell myself that church is good for me, and that I should put aside my shyness and my misgivings and just take the plunge but every time I put a toe in the water there's something in me that dreads it.

I love God. I truly do. I talk to Him all the time. I love His word, and I love His Son, and I try to live every single day reminding myself how incredibly blessed I am to have this life. I try my best to live in a way that would be pleasing to God, and I know I screw up more often than not, but I do try really hard. So why is church so hard? Is it that I just haven't found a new "home" yet? Or is it deeper than that? Is it something wrong with me? Why is it that other Christians find church so easy, yet here I am still struggling after all these years. I know all the arguments about not experiencing growth without a church and I truly believe that's true. So how do I get past this? Will I ever get past this? And if I don't, how will I go on without the beautiful benefits that come from having a spiritual family? I'm so desperate for that, I just dont know how to be what they want me to be anymore.

When I figure it out I'll let you know...in the meantime....

Until next time...

The Ladies in my Life.....

So, anyone who knows me at all knows that I've been singing ever since before I could talk. There's a reason that during my first job's christmas party I won the award for "who needs a radio, we have Pam.." LOL I swear that if algebra were song lyrics I'd be the next Steve Hawkins LOL

Anyways, I was sitting outside the vocal studio today waiting for my singing lesson, and I was thinking about my musical influences. Every musician/artist has people they looked up to growing up, people they'd listen to over and over and over again and try to emmulate. For me, there's a team of very special ladies that really inspired me as a kid and I thought perhaps I would share them with you....

In no particular order.....

Dame Julie Elizabeth Andrews, DBE (born 1 October 1935)

I couldn't possibly start this list without Julie.....I have been watching, emmulating, copying and studying this amazingly beautiful lady since before I can remember. My earliest memories of musical theatre are all wrapped up in her gorgeous clear vibrato - in fact the first musical theatre piece I did in an Eisteddfod was "A Spoonful of Sugar" from Mary Poppins and the second was "Do Re Mi" from Sound of Music! I truly thought she was IT - the be all and end all of vocal ability, and everytime I got up on stage I just wanted to BE her. To this day I still tend to take a slightly "british" tone because her annunciation is so perfect. She's just so classy, she has an air of royalty and quality :) 

As I got older I realised she wasn't just an amazing singer, but a truly beautiful soul. When she lost her voice in 1997 it really hit home for me that without my voice, I felt like I'd be nothing. No good for anyone at all. Yet, despite her obstacles she's continued to entertain and amuse audiences in movies and voice over roles, and she still has the most AMAZING smile. Her sense of humour and ability to laugh at herself just makes me glow :) 

Doris Day (born Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff; April 3, 1922)

 Another lady with the most amazing smile! Doris Day in Calamity Jane was a revelation to me! All of a sudden here was an incredibly beautiful girl all butched up and not at ALL interested in romance! She was strong, and independent and confident and I was blown away! I had never seen anyone so beautiful be so not self - conscious about it. Of course in the endboy gets the girl, but its not without its hiccups! I've seen her shine in other movies, but Calamity Jane made me realise that I could be a great female singer without being "wishy washy" or "love struck" all the time.  

In her later years she became a very enthusastic animal rights activist and even has a horse rescue and adoption centre named after her. Today she is 91 years old and still beautiful! 

Marina Prior (born 18 October 1963)

My first in a serious of "Phantom" related ladies! Marina Prior was the first Australian Christine, she played Maria in Westside Story, Lily in The Secret Garden, Mabel in Pirates of Penzance, she's toured with Jose Carreras, she's sung with many Australian Symphony orchestras, she's even played Mrs Banks in Mary Poppins - this lady has done it all. I'm not sure whether its the gorgeous hair, the massive eyes or her piercing higher range, but to me this lady has the classic middle of the range "not quite classical but not fully musical theatre" voice that I always wanted! Proof that brunettes really do have more fun! :) 

Sarah Brightman (born 14 August 1960)

Ok, the fact I have held off this long before RAVING about the one and only should get me an award!!! The original Christine opposite the incomparable Michael Crawford, Phantom of the Opera was WRITTEN for her - it doesn't get much cooler than that. My first exposure to POTO was watching Sarah Brightman and Steve Harley on RAGE. I was hooked from that moment onwards. Apart from being married to a creepy composer (sorry ALW!) I wanted to BE HER so bad. In fact, watching her as Christine was perhaps the one defining moment in my life where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be THAT. Unequivocally without any question at all. That dream hasn't really changed, although I guess I'm a little more realistic about it now. I was obsessed - I watched everything of hers I could get my hand on, screeching at the top of my lungs trying to reach her impossible notes in songs like "Wishing you were Somehow Here Again" and "Pie Jesu". Her voice is impossible and beautiful, her coloratura will rip right through your soul and even at 53 she's still got it :)  

 Judy Garland (born Frances Ethel Gumm; June 10, 1922 – June 22, 1969)

  

Ahhh Ethel Gumm. I must have worn out my grandmothers video tape of the Wizard of Oz she taped off the telly, and no part was more watched than "Somewhere over the Rainbow". I sung it in an eisteddfod when I was about 11 or 12 - I didn't win, but I dont think there is a single song that sums up my childhood more beautifully than that. I always felt as a kid like I was escaping into fantasy worlds because my real world was so awful. I needed my fantasies so badly because without them all I'd have was real life, and that was not a nice thought. I was so sure that there was a better life out there somewhere, and that I just had to hold on until I found it. I couldn't understand why everyone around me seemed to be enjoying their lives and yet I was always in a holding cell waiting for this or that to happen before I could finally just breathe out, relax and be happy. The bad news is, my child and young person self never got to learn that there's "no place like home". The good news my adult self did :) 

Of course there's others who as an adult tickle my eardrums - Idina Menzel, Danielle Everett, Maria Callas and Jemma Rix just to name a few but I stuck just to the influences from my childhood. I was going to add Audrey Hepburn to the list, but I can't really considering in My Fair Lady she doesn't actually sing. So for now, this is my list, the ladies in my life, and all I have to do is put on a movie, or a CD, or switch on my ipod and they're there for me, like old, dear friends. Listening to them is like pulling on an old jumper - its warm and comforting and familiar. They got me through a rough childhood and gave me reasons to dream. 

Until next time! 

You Don't Make Friends with Salad...

Or maybe you do? LOL

Lately I've been part of a "salad club" at work - once a week we each bring a salad to share with the rest of the group, providing healthy, fresh low fat low carb options for lunch four out of five days a week. At first I was a mix of enthusiasm and dread - I have always hated salad - its never been something I would choose to eat. But over time, as different salads came in to work every day from different colleagues, I found myself looking forward to it. Knowing that there was something different there every day kind of made me excited, and slowly my taste for it developed.

I then had to go to Sydney last week, so I've kind of reverted back to the quick take out crap i was eating before, but I quickly got really sick of that and found myself craving lettuce and tomatos and fresh dressings....I realised that what I really want for lunch is fresh low fat food. I dont even want sandwiches for lunch anymore, I really want salads!!!

So, perhaps tastes really can change over time. Don't get me wrong, once a week I indulge and I get take out for lunch. But its not something I want to do on a daily basis anymore. Its a revelation to me that I can really enjoy something I always dismissed as gross. It gives me hope that habits really can change. I've also begun drinking a lot more water, and I'm trying really hard to have smaller meals at dinner time too. Sometimes its hard to do these things, but I really don't want it to be a shock when I finally do get the opportunity to get the surgery I need. I am hopefully going to get back into swimming this week, and I'm hoping soon I'll see and feel the effects of these changes. I'll keep you posted.