A Downward Turn...

Over the last several months I've been on a real high - and it's lasted so long I actually started to think that perhaps the problems with anxiety, depression and PTSD were long behind me. Alas, once again I've descended.

Unless you've been entrapped by this invisible prison, its hard to describe how helpless and powerless you can feel at times to stop what is happening. It always starts the same way...a niggling foreboding followed by several events that heighten my stress, then comes a couple of days of uncontrollable water works, panic attacks, outbursts and mood swings, then a period of absolute numbness....almost like my emotions have worn themselves to the point where I just check out completely - like I just cant FEEL any more.

And now, the slow clawing back to genuine smiling, laughter and joy again. And thus the cycle is complete and begins again.

I can hear the multitudes...."Just cheer up already" or even my fellow Christians "just give your mind and emotions over to God - 'we were created for a sound mind' or even worse 'just take capture of everything negative thought and you'll conquer this" OH how I wish it were that easy.

I certainly think there's been some marked improvement over the last year or so in my ability to look at my reactions more objectively and identify when things have gotten a bit irrational. And certainly I don't fall as far when I do start to go down than I used to. Struggling with an illness that no one can see or measure I've experienced such a high degree of judgement, and none more strongly than from Christians. My brothers and sisters in Christ can't accept that perhaps my illness is not intrinsically linked to my faithfulness or to the quality of my relationship with God. Is it possible to be a good Christian and suffer from anxiety and depression? I would argue that it is - just as its possible to be a good Christian and have cancer. People aren't judged because they have a physical illness and yet have a relationship with God. Why is mental illness any different?

Sometimes I think it would in some ways be easier to have a physical illness. People would be sympathetic, bringing me flowers, saying prayers for me and offering to help me when I'm ill. I'd get sick days off work, and it would be completely acceptable for me to need help from others. Plus, if I was physically ill, there's possibly treatment or even a cure depending on what I have. Everything would be so tangible.

But this is not tangible. There's nothing that can be cut out, or operated on, or zapped, or poked or prodded to make me feel better. I take medication everyday but despite this I still descend sometimes. No one can see it, and even worse I make sure they do. That wall has become a permanent fixture on my face, I've built it up brick by brick. I'm a master of disguise, I can hide it beautifully, I can wipe away the tears and plaster on a smile quick as a flash because I've been doing it my whole life. I know there will come a day when the wall will come tumbling down and I'll have to try and figure out how to manage without it.

But for today, I'll keep my mask close by, just in case I need it.

Until next time,

Another year over....

So tomorrow is New Years Eve, and I thought it was about time I did a new bucket list. A lot has changed in my life recently, and there's some pretty big stuff that I've ticked off my list :) Things like buying a house, moving to Tamworth, working for Docs NSW, going to Sydney, etc etc. So, time for a completely new list, some new dreams both big and small. Its the best thing about achieving what you want in life - you then get to dream bigger things! :)

Here we go:

1. Sing in Country Music Festival
2. Build outdoor area on the back of the house
3. Start a family
4. Sound system for the loungeroom
5. Start a record collection
6. Buy Brad a playstation 4
7. Go back to NZ and travel the south island
8. Go to Europe
9. Rent a house on the beach for at least 2 weeks :)
10. Get surgery
11. Buy a vesper
12. Record an album
13. Finish my masters
14. Become a social worker/counsellor
15. work in ministry
16. Learn how to sew
17. Do an art workshop
18. exhibit in an art show
19. See snow
20. Build a potting shed art studio on the backyard :)

So, there you have it. I'm sure I'll add to this, but I thought this might be a good start :) Happy New Year everyone, I'm praying for a blessed and fulfilled 2014 :)

Til next time....

End of Year Reflections...

Well, silly season is nearly upon us, and believe it or not, I think I am finally starting to get some of that "Christmas Spirit" back! For years I've been pretty adverse to anything particularly christmassy, preferring instead to lay low and live in denial about the whole thing but this year it seems my soul has been somewhat dragged back into the true spirit of the season :) I still dont like the commercialism, or Santa (or as I say Satan re-spelt!) or the focus on stupid myths rather than the birth of Jesus, but I am however a little excited about having some time off, wearing silly hats and basically just spending some down time :)

So, with this sudden surge of Christmas spirit, its gotten me thinking about relationships - namely friendships. I've blogged before about how I've struggled to make friends, especially after my anxiety really kicked in. I've been through a lot in the last few years, and its really made me shyer than ever when it comes to relationships. This year however there's been a shift back in right direction. I've found myself more confident when it comes to my ability to make friends, and a little more secure in myself to know that I can cope with rejection if it comes my way.

I've also learnt that I'm worth more that what I get sometimes - I'm a good friend to those I love. I am valuable, I'm fiercely loyal and I'm worth knowing. I'm someone who deserves equal friendships where I get as much as I give and where I'm not constantly having to chase people to have contact with them. The other thing I've learnt is that I invest too much of my happiness and worth in other people. Whether I'm valuable or worthy or successful should not, and does not, depend on how many friends I have, or how long I've had them. My worth comes from God, and my relationship with God, not my relationship with people.

Sometimes I hold on too tightly to things, and they're generally things I should be letting go of because they're not good for me. Things like fear, sadness, bitterness and anger, as well as people who treat me ill. It's become increasingly important to me that I surround myself with people who will lift me up and support me in my life, and I've come to realise that relationships I've had and very tightly held on to in the past have not been healthy for me. That helps, because it helps me let go of those and not miss them in the way that I used to.

I've decided that my worth is not wrapped up in what my friends think of me, or even in how much effort they put into the friendship. I want to continue learning boundaries that will allow me to not feel the need to chase relationships but instead let them come to me. I'm learning how to nurture the real life relationships I have, and allow any relationships that arent real to fall by the wayside without malice.

It really is true that if you love someone you'll let them go - if they come back to you, they're yours. If they dont, they were never yours to begin with!

On a more positive note, I want to take a minute and acknowledge the real life relationships I have. All those people who email, message, text, call and who make time to hang with me. Those people are so special to me, they're so important. Some of them are new relationships, and some are old - they're all like sparkling diamonds in the fabric of my world, and I'm so blessed to know the people that I know. I'm really grateful for what I have, and even though there will be no family around my table this Christmas (other than hubbie and the furkids of course!) I will have friends, and that means so much to me. Its these friends that keep me from feeling any loss :)

And on that note, I want to wish anyone reading this a very happy, healthy and whole Christmas season. No doubt I'll post again soon with my New Year bucket list and reflections on the year that has been!

Until next time!

The relief of the flatline...

There has been a vast improvement in my outlook upon things these past couple of weeks and I cannot really point at the source with any degree of certainty. On the one hand Phantom is over and I finally am getting back to things that I enjoy such as reading, socialising and just generally spending time at home :) On the other hand, I am also being more compliant with my new meds and they appear to be having a profound affect upon my ability to stay calm, not panic, and deal with stress WITHOUT tears - a MASSIVE improvement for me! The last couple of weeks have been really full on, but I haven't really felt like I was slipping into panic like I used to.

So there's a lot going on - and being the 1st of December Christmas is fast approaching. We're not going anywhere or doing anything really, it will be a quiet time for Christmas, but we're planning on going camping in the Warrambungles for New Years with Bennie :) Should be heaps fun :) This week I have to travel to Maitland for a specialist appointment for my ankle in preparation for surgery....really hit me for six when they told me that it wasn't even a question that I'd need surgery - even though they told me that it was a possibility I kept laughing it off and saying there was surely something else they could do. Alas, this was not meant to be so it looks like I'll be having surgery sometime in the New Year, hopefully no sooner than that.

So in other news I am applying for a scholarship through the choral society for 2014 - if I am accepted I'll get half my tuition at the Conservatorium of Music paid for and in return I sing with the Choral society for 12 months :) since I'm not doing any shows next year that's an easy thing to commit to :) That's IF I get it :)

The other development at present is that I've had a massive breakthrough in the church department and I cannot explain that either. It was like, finishing Phantom and having a lunch date with Vicky one of the pastoral care people from church flicked a switch off in my brain. I sat with Vicky and laid it all out on the table - the good, the bad and the ugly - and for the first time I felt really validated. Voicing my fears regarding organised church was like the final step towards proper healing - time plus that meant that the next Sunday when I went to church all the nerves, fear, mistrust and pain was just gone. The following Wednesday I went to a creative workshop, and I'll be on the worship team from now on :) It feels fantastic getting back to what I feel God created me for. There's something incredibly powerful in doing precisely what God intends for you to do - when I'm worshipping God and singing for Him, the rest of the world completely dissapears and it's just Him and me - me open to whatever He wants from me, and Him, unearthing all the bad parts of myself and nurturing all the good. It's like gardening for my soul :)

The last couple of Sundays we've sung this AMAZING song - I just love it!

I dont know if this new found feeling of contentment and peace will last, but every single day I'm going to remind myself how blessed I am, and be grateful for everything in my life :)

Til next time....

Slippery Slopes

It's been 7 weeks since I switched health funds and began the waiting period before my surgery. Knowing that I'm in early days towards the date that I will be elligible for surgery I am keen to start adopting new behaviours and lifestyle choices that will be more in line with my life after the procedure is done.

I went and bought some Optifast to try and accustom myself to the taste - I found having it first thing in the morning made me feel sick in the stomach :( I'm going to try having it for lunch one day this week and see what happens. I talked to my psychologist about it and she said you're allowed to have the bars and the soups too, plus a cup of vegetables a day also, so its not quite as dire as I first thought. Still, its going to be a huge challenge to go two or more weeks on Optifast and nothing else.

I feel like I'm on a slippery slope trying to climb my way back up....I get really inspired and tell myself that I'm going to do all the right things and take hold of this thing before I go in to the operating room.....and in the moment I truly mean it. But then, I get tired so I dont go for a walk, or I get bored so I eat, or I slip back into old ways without really even thinking about it anymore.

If you have ever been seriously addicted to drugs or alcohol, you'll totally get what I mean. My willpower is not enough for me to make the changes I need to make. I honestly don't know what the answer is. But I do know that the more I beat myself up about it, the more I do it, so it's probably better that I dont! I have to learn to accept me exactly as I am - if I am not enough while overweight, I'll never be enough when I lose it.

Hello sleep...let me introduce myself!

So, its now been 6 days since the end of Phantom of the Opera. I have finally caught up on sleep, and although my house still isn't as ordered as I'd like it to be I'm starting to get back into the rhythm of normal everyday life. It's been a surprisingly easy transition, not nearly as hard as when I finished Grease and perhaps that's because this hasn't been as good an experience from an emotional point of view.

I have a lot going on despite not being in Phantom anymore - a GAZILLION appointments, physio, orthopaedic surgeons, psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, podiatrists, dentists..and that's just this month alone!! All in what could turn out to be a misguided bid to keep me healthy and sane! My ankle has begun to recover, which is great news, and I'm certainly in a much better frame of mind than I was for the last few weeks.

It occurs to me as I rush out the door this morning for the last day of the week, that I over think things far more than I need to. I long for a simple life, where social encounters are taken at face value and an offer of friendship is recieved with no perception of a hidden agenda. I have realised that I can be quite suspicious, always trying to figure out whether someone's intentions are really what they say they are. I guess that goes hand in hand with being unable to trust people, but it is EXHAUSTING having to analyse every little interaction. I'm not suggesting blind naivete of course - that would be just unwise...but what if I could be more authentic, more genuine, and trust that people will do the same with me without judgement? Then if people do judge me, then I'll either not know about it, or not care?

What if I just let it go and just threw caution to the wind. What if I just accept people where they are, and didn't always have a running commentary on what every little thing means all the time? What if I decided that I am enough for people to like, and if they don't its their loss not mine? What if I am enough?

Food for thought.....

Til next time!

The Music of the Afterlife....

As the dust clears, the fog machine packed away and the pyros set aside, I've had a chance to breathe again...well one day anyways!

It's hard to believe that Phantom is over - and yet I can hardly remember what life was like before it began! Considering rehearsals began at the beginning of June, it really has been a long run. Almost half a year in fact.

As I have previously blogged, Phantom has been both the hardest and most fulfilling show I've done to date. Fulfilling because it's been a lifelong dream to be in Phantom of the Opera, and hard because of the politics that went on behind the scenes. Having stepped back a little, I can now see that there are certain people who, for whatever reason, are just not that accepting of new folk. There's one girl in particular who, having just seen her facebook page I believe has made a snap judgement based upon the way I look which is rather sad, and others who for whatever reason either feel threatened by newcomers or who just have too much free time on their hands and prefer to spend it gossipping about others. The size of the egos in that cast in particular was always going to be a little full on - after all, it's Phantom. If there was ever a show to bring out the big guns, this was it!

Having said all that, one thing that was promised did indeed come to pass....I made some really good quality friends and that has been a joy.

I think the danger with finishing any show is becoming nostalgic and rosy-eyed about the experience, so in order to avoid that I thought I'd share a few things I WONT miss about Phantom. Here's my top 10:

1. fatigue...and having to rock up to work feeling hungover!
2. ingesting more than a few strands of synthetic hair from my hannibal wig every-single-night blech!
3. and while we're on the subject...the wigs - UGH thank god no more wigs!
4. stage make up and the disgusting things it has done to my face
5. those stairs - granted I didn't have the full "stair" experience thanks to my ankle, but trudging up and down those stairs was arduous at best!
6. costume changes
7. listening to a certain dressing room mate (who shall remain nameless) go on, and on, and on, and on about how insignificant, crappy and frankly time wasting being in the chorus is....*rolls eyes*
8. loads and loads of ankle pain
9. waking up in the morning to "Prima Donna" rolling round, and round and round and round in my head....
10. Sweat. Lots and lots and lots of sweat. Enough said.

So it's back to reality for me. I have tomorrow off in flex and I'm seriously considering spending some sanity money getting a massage and making a podiatrist appointment to get my feet done. Would be great to get a facial done too, my poor skin! It's only a matter of a month and a bit until Christmas, so I guess that's the next thing, but for now I'm just going to revel in the normality of daily life for a bit.