Along with this "internal makeover" I've continued to reflect upon my external changes also. Of course, I'm not even close to my goal, still at the very least around 10kgs away - but it's time to think long term about how to sustain my new life into the future. Exercise will be a massive part of that. Every single day I'm having to challenge my own mental restrictions I have placed around myself when it comes to physical activity. There are so many things that I've written off as being not something I could do - things like skating, bush walking, learning to ride a horse - things that because of my weight I had given up on are now all of a sudden a possibility again. And of course there's the big one - kids. Pregnancy was never an option to me because of my weight. It would be unhealthy and risky for me to fall pregnant at 148.6kgs. But, as the weight comes off, the possibility increases that pregnancy is now possible. And it's certainly something on our minds more and more as time goes by.
I've also been thinking a lot about friends. What makes a friend. Who is a good friend. Who is a bad friend. What does that look like? Along with all the massive changes I've made to my body and to my attitude I've also had to "relearn" appropriate boundaries. I've realised over the last 10 months that I've had a very unhealthy view when it comes to my relationships. I've allowed unhealthy people to have an undue influence on my mental and emotional health. I've allowed friendships that aren't good for me, that suck me dry rather than have a give and take effect, to wrap themselves around my world. This has been a really painful process - I've really struggled to let go of some of these friendships, and the evolution has continued. I've had to reevaluate pretty much everything about who and what I invest myself into and what I've found is that in terms of TRUE friendships, I have basically a handful of people. There's plenty of people in my life who are acquaintances, but when it comes to people who are really there for me there's very few. It's hard not to feel more than a little down about this, but I've tried to instead take it as an opportunity to expand my circle. I've had some gaping holes in my life for quite some time. On Friday night I went to a bible study and realised that one of those holes has been not necessarily CHURCH persay, but having Christian friends I can feel safe with who I can discuss the word of God with. I found that this week, and my heart soared. Another hole has been having friends who WANT to spend time with me. Who make an effort to spend time with me. Who even ASK to spend time with me. The amount of relationships I've had over the last few years who I've wasted time on CHASING them is really disgusting.
*EDIT*
A lovely lady shared this video on facebook today that REALLY explains beautifully what I'm trying to employ in my life regarding my friendships :) Tyler Perry ROCKS!
A dear friend of mine that I had coffee with the other day made an interesting point also. I was telling her how lonely I had been recently with all these friendships shutting down around me, and she said "I live in my bubble with my family and my kids, and apart from a couple of really close friends I dont really have that need much" - now I'm not suggesting I have children as a way of filling a hole in my life, cos I dont believe in children being born with a job, but it was an interesting point. What I'm really craving is relationships, and like it or not having children does provide that. Perhaps what I'm really seeking is not another friend, but instead a family.
The question is, what do I really want and need from my relationships. I'm still trying to figure that out. It's hard for me to make friends at times, so reengaging in church seems like an obvious first step. I think I'm starting to become more aware of what relationships I have that make me feel really good, and I've made a commitment to myself to invest in those relationships and let go of anyone else who make me feel really bad. It really hurts having to do that, but in the long run it's the best thing for me.
Along with all of this, I've also been thinking more about long term the choices I make food wise. When i think about the choices I used to make regarding food my mind is constantly blown - not in terms of volume but in terms of content. I've given up all carbonated drinks, including mineral water or soda water. I've given up fast food. I've given up pretty much all junk food. When I eat, I eat protein, and whole grains, REAL food, veggies and fruits. I still have two small squares of chocolate a day as a treat before bed, but that's included in my caloric count every day. I still have my coffee, and my tea, and I still get to eat real food, including food I really like, but the difference is the foods I LIKE look very different to the foods I used to like. I still get cravings, and I still have to fight against those cravings, but its become a LOT easier. Right now I'm watching a documentary called "fed up" which is about childhood obesity, and it blows my mind how different I feel and think about food. I'm just not entering into the hype anymore. I have a real desire to "clean up my act" even more around foods. I've joined the facebook page for the farmers market, and I want to cook more REAL food and less processed food. I want to drink more water, consume less sugar, and for the first time I believe I CAN do that. I feel like my education has only JUST begun in terms of my long term health and weight.
With all this going on, it's no wonder I'm feeling a bit run down. This weekend I've come down with a cold, and I've been sleeping a LOT - like 10 hours or more both Friday and Saturday night. I'm not even sure 'll make it to work tomorrow, but I do plan on getting a dr's appointment just to make sure if I need time off I can take it. I'm completely and totally committed to looking after myself in all aspects. It's time I started protecting myself because I'm worth it!
Til next time!
