I watched a couple of my colleagues, packs of cigarettes discretely in hand, leaving the building to go have a cigarette as they do several times per day out the back of our office. They go out, they smoke, they chat about the weather etc. Often they go together, and seek eachother out so they dont have to stand out there alone. Rain, hail or shine there they are, at least three to four times in a working day, puffing away....
And for the first time ever, I wished I was a smoker.
Well, apart from the smoke, and the smell, and the taste, and the health problems, and the affect on my voice, and the bad breath, and the dependancy....
Ok, I admit it, I dont REALLY want to be a smoker. What I did pine for however was an excuse to walk away and do something that would PHYSICALLY calm me down. It was a horrific day, and coupled with a little PMS laced with not getting lunch til 10 past 4 in the afternoon I really didn't cope. I went home last night and collapsed in a ball of tears, anxiety and panic. All over nothing. That's what happens when you work in my line of business and are dealing with an anxiety disorder. There's no rhyme or reason sometimes. Sometimes, you just have to shut down. At least that's what I did last night. I felt helpless, completely at the mercy of my own emotions which in that moment are completely out of control. I take very deep breaths, I plaster a smile on my face and push through, knowing at the end of it I'll be drained, washed out and completely stretched thin. I hate it.
So today I made a decision. I realised that as much as I want to, I cannot complete uni at this time. I want to finish it, I really do, but I just can't continue to run this really ragged race. I feel like I'm failing at life. Everything is done half assed because I dont have the time or the energy to give it what it needs. I have so much on my plate, it's time to take the pressure down a bit. My work is too intense, too emotional, too traumatic for me to continue to push myself in my life outside of work to do everything I want to do. I hate not honouring my commitment to myself to finish this, but it's time for me to take a step back and get my life sorted out.
So tomorrow I have a letter to write, and a text book to sell. I still want to get my masters, and I reckon in the future I'll do it. But right now, I want time. Time to enjoy my home, my family, my life. Time to really devote myself to my job, and time to immerse myself in things that make me feel good rather than things that add pressure to me. Is that selfish? Is that wrong? The biggest regret I have is the hecs fees I've accumulated this semester without finishing. I hate to do that, but I just dont see myself passing. Not the way I am right now. I'd rather withdraw than have a failing grade on my transcript.
So, taking a deep breath and taking a step back. I hope it pays off.
Til next time.....
